The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon on NBC

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: February 26 – March 4

Wednesday, February 26: Guests include David Beckham, Guy Fieri and musical guest Doja Cat. Show 1213

Thursday, February 27: Guests include John Mulaney, Bad Bunny and musical guest Bad Bunny & Sech. Show 1214

Friday, February 28: Guests include Norman Reedus, Hailey Bieber and musical guest A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie. Show 1215 

Monday, March 2: Guests include Rachel Maddow, Pamela Adlon and musical guest Joji. Show 1216

Tuesday, March 3: Guests include Kevin Bacon, Tan France and Taylor Tomlinson. Show 1217

**Wednesday, March 4: Guests include Hillary Rodham Clinton, Noah Schnapp and musical guest Jane Birkin & Iggy Pop. Show 1218

These listings are subject to change.

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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: February 25 – March 3

Tuesday, February 25: Guests include Nick Jonas, Steve Coogan and a performance from Girl from the North Country. Show 1212

Wednesday, February 26: Guests include David Beckham, Guy Fieri and musical guest Doja Cat. Show 1213

**Thursday, February 27: Guests include John Mulaney, Bad Bunny and musical guest Bad Bunny & Sech. Show 1214

Friday, February 28: Guests include Norman Reedus, Hailey Bieber and musical guest A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie. Show 1215 

Monday, March 2: Guests include Rachel Maddow, Pamela Adlon and musical guest Joji. Show 1216

**Tuesday, March 3: Guests include Kevin Bacon, Tan France and Taylor Tomlinson. Show 1217
These listings are subject to change.

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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: February 24 – March 2

Monday, February 24: "The Tonight Show: Subway Special" with special guests BTS. Show 1211

Tuesday, February 25: Guests include Nick Jonas, Steve Coogan and a performance from Girl from the North Country. Show 1212

Wednesday, February 26: Guests include David Beckham, Guy Fieri and musical guest Doja Cat. Show 1213

Thursday, February 27: Guests include John Mulaney, Bad Bunny and musical guest Bad Bunny. Show 1214

Friday, February 28: Guests include Norman Reedus, Hailey Bieber and musical guest A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie. Show 1215 

**Monday, March 2: Guests include Rachel Maddow, Pamela Adlon and musical guest Joji. Show 1216

These listings are subject to change.

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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: February 21 – 28

Friday, February 21: Guests include Matthew McConaughey & Hugh Grant, Vanessa Hudgens and musical guest Ashley McBryde. OAD 1/17/20

Monday, February 24: "The Tonight Show: Subway Special" with special guests BTS. Show 1211

Tuesday, February 25: Guests include Nick Jonas, Steve Coogan and a performance from Girl from the North Country. Show 1212

Wednesday, February 26: Guests include David Beckham, Guy Fieri and musical guest Doja Cat. Show 1213

Thursday, February 27: Guests include John Mulaney, Bad Bunny and musical guest Bad Bunny. Show 1214

** Friday, February 28: Guests include Norman Reedus, Hailey Bieber and musical guest A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie. Show 1215 

These listings are subject to change.

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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: February 20 – 27

Thursday, February 20: Guests include Will Smith, Patti Smith and musical guest Patti Smith. OAD 1/9/20

Friday, February 21: Guests include Matthew McConaughey & Hugh Grant, Vanessa Hudgens and musical guest Ashley McBryde. OAD 1/17/20

Monday, February 24: "The Tonight Show: Subway Special" with special guests BTS. Show 1211

**Tuesday, February 25: Guests include Nick Jonas, Steve Coogan and a performance from Girl from the North Country. Show 1212

**Wednesday, February 26: Guests include David Beckham, Guy Fieri and musical guest Doja Cat. Show 1213

**Thursday, February 27: Guests include John Mulaney, Bad Bunny and musical guest Bad Bunny. Show 1214

These listings are subject to change.

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QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' February 10 - February 14

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.10.20
What an exciting time this is to be in New York City. There’s a buzz, a feeling, a vibe, a euphoria sweeping the town – and there’s one reason – tonight at Madison Square Garden it was The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show!
The Dog Show kicked off tonight and ends tomorrow, which means there’s a good chance we’ll know who won Best in Show before we know which Democrat won Iowa.
It was an exciting night at the dog show. My favorite part was when Eminem rose from the floor and started rapping, “Lose Yourself.”
Everyone is talking about the Academy Awards and the big story is that the South Korean thriller “Parasite” won four Oscars including Best Picture! What an amazing moment for South Korea – they have “Parasite,” they have “BTS.” Meanwhile, North Korea is this close to dial-up internet.
“Parasite” is the first “non-English speaking film” to win Best Picture. Though some Arnold Schwarzenegger movies came close.
I saw that there was some controversy with this year’s In Memoriam segment. Critics are saying they left out some big actors and they also forgot to include Joe Biden’s campaign.
Yesterday, at a campaign event in New Hampshire, Joe Biden called a woman a “lying, dog-faced pony soldier.” Most people didn’t know what it meant but it turns out it’s a reference from a John Wayne movie. So, that oughta bring in the youth vote!
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.11.20
Today was the New Hampshire primary! The polls closed at 8:00 p.m., and when they declared a winner, Iowa was like, “Psh, showoffs.”
The New Hampshire primary was held today. If anyone is in the market for some Joe Biden campaign merchandise – I think it’s about to get a whole lot cheaper.
Based on a lot of polls, Joe Biden was on track to finish the night in fourth or fifth place. I’m not saying Biden is in trouble, but the corona-virus is polling ahead of him.
Biden actually left New Hampshire early to start campaigning in South Carolina. Since it was Joe Biden he didn’t really “leave early” as much as “wander off.”
Elizabeth Warren’s campaign is struggling too. Today, she told reporters “You get knocked down, you get back up again.” Then asked how she’s been dealing with the stress she said, “I drink a whiskey drink, I drink a vodka drink.”
Warren, Biden, and Pete Buttigieg were all spotted at Dunkin’ Donuts. Dunkin’ was like, “You can’t BUY this kind of publicity!” Then Michael Bloomberg was like, “Yeah you can.”
During Trump’s rally, he told the crowd, “If you want to vote for a weak candidate...pick the weakest one you think.” Even Tom Steyer was like “Oh my god, he mentioned me!!”
Last night was an all new episode of “The Bachelor.” And there’s a rumor going around online that Peter ends up with someone who works for the show behind the scenes. It’ll be a real shocker in the finale when he’s like, “Paulie the cameraman, will you accept this rose?”
T-Mobile will soon be officially merging with Sprint. Afterwards, the CEOs wanted to make sure people heard the good news, so they called on their Verizon phones.
DNA testing companies like Ancestry and 23andMe are laying off workers. One boss said, “I have some bad news…you’re fired, and even worse…your wife is your sister.”
A new study found that smoking weed is bad for your memory. When the scientist presented the study, his colleagues were like, “Dave, you just gave us this presentation last week.”
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.12.20
Last night was the New Hampshire Primary and the people made their voice loud and clear – the voters said, “We want Bernie Sanders, one percent more than Pete Buttigieg.”
The big winner in New Hampshire was Bernie Sanders! You can tell Bernie’s fired up. Last night he was mixing Metamucil into a shot of Jager.
It was a big night in New Hampshire. Bernie Sanders finished first, Pete Buttigieg finished second, and Joe Biden is finished.
Biden hasn’t given up. In fact yesterday he said Mickey Mouse could beat President Trump in an election. Then Mickey heard and was like, “Actually, at 91-Years Old, I’m One Of The Youngest Democrats In The Race.”
Andrew Yang officially dropped out of the race. Yang supported giving Americans a thousand dollars a month, reducing student loans and legalizing weed. Americans heard and were like, “Wait, he did? We messed up! Come back!”
When a man at a restaurant in Massachusetts was paying a 12 dollar bill, he left the waitress a 2,000 dollar tip. Then she was like, “Fine, Mr. Bloomberg, I’ll vote for you.”
I heard about a Girl Scout troop in Illinois that’s been selling cookies outside a weed dispensary. They just earned a new badge that says: friggin’ genius.
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.13.20
Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day! Just a word of advice to any tourists in the audience – if you see a man on 6th Avenue wearing a diaper and shooting arrows – that’s not Cupid.
Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and you can tell romance is in the air here in New York City. Earlier today, I saw a hot dog vendor cutting his health code violations into little hearts.
The temperatures here could be as low as 17 degrees. That’s fun - cuz when the mood is right, what’s sexier than having to take off eight layers of clothes?
Trump spent the morning attacking Mike Bloomberg on Twitter and called him “a mass of dead energy.” When he heard that, Mike Pence was like, “Hey! That’s my nickname!”
Bloomberg tweeted at Trump and said, “Behind your back, people are laughing at you.” Trump called it “Fake news!” then spent the next hour trying to look behind his own back.
Trump is actually in a lot of fights. Last night, his former Chief of Staff John Kelly, spoke at an event and harshly criticized him. Then Trump tweeted about Kelly, saying, “Like so many X’s, he misses the action.” Then all of Trump’s exes were like, “Trust us, we don’t miss the action.”
There’s another Democratic debate next week in Las Vegas. Pete Buttigieg will spend the week prepping, while Bernie and Biden will spend three straight nights at the nickel slots.
The chairman of the Iowa Democratic Party resigned last night. He actually submitted his resignation letter in November, we’re just only getting the results now.
Amazon founder Jeff Bezos just bought a house in California for 165 million dollars. This house has everything – 9 acres, two guesthouses, a nine-hole golf course and best of all, a pretty sweet above ground pool.
Fallon Quotables 2.14.20
I wanna wish everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day! If you and that special someone agreed that you’re not exchanging gifts this year – right now you’re probably realizing: that was a trap.
Cinnabon was selling a heart-shaped tray of cinnamon rolls. Yeah, cuz nothing quite gets people in “the mood” like eating an entire tray of cinnamon rolls.
Burger King also celebrated by offering a free Whopper if you brought in a photo of your ex. If your boyfriend works at Burger King, it’s also a really cruel way to break up with him.
I saw that you could actually buy chocolate covered strawberries that are infused with weed. If you eat enough of them, Matthew McConaughey’s Lincoln commercials actually start making sense.
A woman in Virginia is giving her husband of 38 years a kidney. Which made it awkward today when he was like, “And I got you this...Whitman’s Sampler.”
President Trump is enjoying Valentine’s Day. Today he lit a candle, and sprinkled rose petals all over his tanning bed.
Attorney General William Barr said that the president’s tweets make it impossible for him to do his job. Meanwhile, Trump’s tweets make it very possible for me to do my job.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is going to be a guest judge on the next season of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Every part of that sentence just made Mike Pence grab his chest. 

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: February 13 – 24

Thursday, February 13: Guests include Rosario Dawson, Logan Lerman and musical guest Megan Thee Stallion. Show 1209

Friday, February 14: Guests include Steve Buscemi, Zoey Deutch and musical guest Justin Bieber Ft. Quavo. Show 1210

**Monday, February 17: Guests include RuPaul, Meghan Trainor and musical guest Meghan Trainor. OAD 2/6/20

**Tuesday, February 18: Guests include Robert Downey Jr., Aidy Bryant and musical guest Little Big Town. Oad 1/15/20

**Wednesday, February 19: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Lil Rel Howery and Andre D Thompson. OAD 2/7/20

**Thursday, February 20: Guests include Will Smith, Patti Smith and musical guest Patti Smith. OAD 1/9/20

**Friday, February 21: Guests include Matthew McConaughey & Hugh Grant, Vanessa Hudgens and musical guest Ashley McBryde. OAD 1/17/20

**Monday, February 24: "The Tonight Show: Subway Special" with special guests BTS. Show 1211
These listings are subject to change.

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BTS TO APPEAR ON A SPECIAL FEB. 24 TELECAST OF ‘THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON’

Entire Hour Will Be Dedicated to the Record-Breaking Global Superstars

NEW YORK – Feb. 13, 2020 – International music phenom BTS will appear on “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” in a special telecast on Monday, Feb. 24. The show will not only feature an interview and performance by the band, but will also act as a celebration of New York as Fallon and the group visit iconic local spots over the hour.
Last week Fallon asked fans to send in questions for BTS for the chance to have their submissions answered by the group. Following the call-out on Feb. 6, “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” trended at #1 worldwide with #FallonAsksBTS as fan questions poured in.
“We wanted to do something special for BTS and, at the same time, celebrate New York City. BTS really knocked it out of the park. You’re not going to believe how big and fun their performance is,” said Fallon. “They took over Grand Central Terminal. It’s BTS on NBC from NYC at GCT…wait, this is getting weird, isn’t it? Just watch the show on Monday, Feb. 24.”
BTS, an acronym of Bangtan Sonyeondan or “Beyond the Scene,” is a South Korean boy band that has been capturing the hearts of millions of fans globally since their debut in 2013. The members of BTS are RM, Jin, SUGA, j-hope, Jimin, V and Jung Kook. Gaining recognition from their authentic, self-produced music and top-notch performances to the way they interact with their fans, the band has established themselves as global superstars breaking countless world records.
While imparting a positive influence through activities such as the “Love Myself” campaign and the United Nations “Speak Yourself” speech, BTS has mobilized millions of fans across the world (named ARMY), topped prominent music charts, sold out worldwide tours, including stadiums, and has been named as one of TIME 100: The Most Influential People of 2019. The band has also been recognized with numerous prestigious honors, such as the Billboard Music Awards and American Music Awards.
The group made their “Tonight Show” debut in 2018 with an interview and performance of their hits “I’m Fine” and “Idol.”
Previous “Tonight Show” special takeover broadcasts have featured music superstars Justin Timberlake, Cher, Ariana Grande and Miley Cyrus.
From Universal Television and Broadway Video, “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” is executive produced by Lorne Michaels and produced by Gavin Purcell. Gerard Bradford, Jeremy Bronson, and Jamie Granet-Bederman also produce. “The Tonight Show” tapes before a live studio audience from Studio 6B in 30 Rockefeller Center.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: February 12 – 19

**Wednesday, February 12: Guests include Ryan Seacrest, Zoë Kravitz and musical guest Jack Harlow. Show 1208 

Thursday, February 13: Guests include Rosario Dawson, Logan Lerman and musical guest Megan Thee Stallion. Show 1209

Friday, February 14: Guests include Steve Buscemi, Zoey Deutch and musical guest Justin Bieber Ft. Quavo. Show 1210

**Monday, February 17: TBD Repeat 

**Tuesday, February 18: TBD Repeat 

**Wednesday, February 19: TBD Repeat 

These listings are subject to change.

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QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' February 3 - February 7

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.3.20
I wanna say congrats to the Kansas City Chiefs on winning Super Bowl LIV! And an even bigger congrats to everyone in Kansas City who showed up to work today.
I saw that Bernie Sanders actually hosted a Super Bowl party in Iowa yesterday. He even made his special three-layer dip: Robitussin, Metamucil, and Werther’s Originals.
Pete Buttigieg went to an Iowa voter’s Super Bowl party. At halftime, the voter and his son took Pete outside and tossed him around the front yard.
Yesterday was also Groundhog Day! I saw that Punxsutawney Phil predicted an early spring. If you’re keeping track: we don’t listen to scientists about the climate, but we do listen to a rodent that lives in a hole.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.4.20
I am your host Jimmy Fallon, and based on zero percent of the vote, I’m declaring myself the winner of Iowa!
People are still talking about last night’s Iowa caucuses. It was being called the “Super Bowl of politics,” but it ended up being called the “Fyre Festival.”
A bunch of technical issues made for a long night in Iowa without a winner. We haven’t seen that many confused white people since they first tried to dab.
The caucuses were delayed, chaotic, and frustrating, which explains their official sponsor: “Spirit Airlines.”
You could tell Iowa was having trouble counting votes – at one point, they called Florida for help.
They had four years to prepare, and they messed it up. If NBC can count votes for “The Voice,” then Iowa should be able to do it for a presidential election.
The company that made the Iowa voting app is actually called “Shadow.” Even Mark Zuckerberg was like, “Seems shady.”
It came out that Pete Buttigieg’s campaign has paid Shadow to do work for them in the past, so all day, the hashtag “Mayor Cheat” was trending on Twitter. Democrats were furious. Even Mike Bloomberg was like, “How dare you try to buy this election!”
In Washington, tonight President Trump delivered his State of the Union address. You can tell he’s fired up about the impeachment trial ending – he rolled in on a hoverboard, tossing out glow sticks.
The White House said Trump’s speech was designed to focus on “policy buckets” like the economy and immigration. As opposed to the buckets Trump usually focuses on: original and extra crispy.
The New York State Senate is considering a bill that would make it illegal to text while walking. Some Senators are voting "no" while the rest are voting "K."
Scientists just discovered a new weed compound that’s 30 times more powerful than THC. That’s the good news – the bad news is they gave out free samples at the Iowa caucuses last night.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.5.20
Last night, President Trump gave his State of the Union address and, if you thought this season of The Bachelor had way too much drama...wow!
The biggest moment of the night was after Trump’s speech when Pelosi took her copy of it and ripped one page after another. People were shocked, cause when they heard someone “ripped one” at the State of the Union, everyone thought it would be Trump.
Between Pelosi and J. Lo, women over 50 are tearing it up this week!
For Trump’s entire speech, Pelosi reacted to many lines with slight head nods and eye movements. It was so bad, I couldn’t tell if she was reacting to the speech or giving secret signs to the Houston Astros.
People called Trump’s speech a 78-minute victory lap. Let’s see, for Trump, one lap 78-minutes...yeah that sounds about right.
Today, the Senate officially acquitted Trump in his impeachment trial. The Senators voted on Trump’s impeachment around 4 p.m., and we knew the results right away. Or as Iowa put it, “Hey, how’d you do that?!”
The results weren’t surprising and it was largely determined by old white men. If you want more of that, tune-in to the Oscars! This Sunday at 8 p.m.
Trump was acquitted today. Then he called up Ukraine and said, “Now...where were we?”
Republican Senator Mitt Romney broke with his party and voted to convict Trump. Romney’s decision took a lot of grit, nerve, and guts – incidentally, "grit, nerve, and guts" are the names of some of Mitt Romney’s sons.
Today the Kansas City chiefs held their Super Bowl Parade. All the confetti was hand ripped by Nancy Pelosi.
A Canadian man said that he’s burned one million dollars in cash to avoid paying his wife child support. Even Nancy Pelosi was like, "That's a little extreme."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.6.20
This morning, President Trump attended the National Prayer Breakfast. After being acquitted, God was like “Oh you better be here, dude.”
Not only was Trump at the National Prayer Breakfast, but Nancy Pelosi was also there. Which explains the theme of this year’s breakfast: “Awkward!”
The breakfast seemed like a good time. Trump ordered all the pancakes while Pelosi ordered all the mimosas.
At the breakfast, Trump showed off a copy of USA Today with the headline “Acquitted.” Trump was like, “Now I can do anything I want – I even stole this USA Today from a Holiday Inn.”
Trump was having fun until a second later when Nancy Pelosi popped out and ripped the newspaper in half.
You could tell Trump was in a good mood. He even awarded the Medal of Freedom to the guy working the omelette station.
Later in the day, he held a press conference about his acquittal where he walked out to a standing ovation. Seriously, I haven’t seen that many happy white guys since the Utah Jazz made the playoffs.
As of this morning there were still not enough results counted in Iowa to call a winner. At this point, even Bernie Sanders and Pete Buttigieg are like, “Just forget it.”
The Iowa results are coming in and Bernie Sanders is trailing Pete Buttigieg by less than 1%! Which explains why all-day Bernie was yelling, “Now I really hate the one-percent!”
Things are going well for Bernie. In January, he raised 25 million dollars. When he realized how rich he is, Bernie started running attack ads against himself.
The CEO of LinkedIn announced that he is stepping down. Unfortunately, when he sent out the press release, no one read it cuz it came from LinkedIn.
A dog in Iowa that went missing three years ago was just reunited with its family. It would’ve happened sooner, but the search was led by the Iowa Democratic Party. 

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.7.20
It’s been a few days now and we still don’t know who won Iowa. Poor Bernie Sanders – he already looks like he spent the last 20 years waiting for results. “Tell me doc, is it acid reflux or indigestion!”
It’s the Academy Awards, and there’s a lot of criticism that the nominees aren’t more diverse. You can tell the Oscars are too white – this year’s gift bags are just filled with New Balance sneakers.
The U.S. Department of Transportation just approved the first driverless delivery cars. These are crazy times we’re living in. Our delivery cars are driverless, our Oscars are hostless, and our elections are winnerless.
Disney is coming out with a new Star Wars-themed hotel. It’s the only hotel where you hear a knock on the door and someone says, “Luke, I’m am your housekeeper.”
A “Star Wars” hotel. If you check in with your sibling, they’re like, “One bed or two?”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: February 7 – 14

Friday, February 7: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Lil Rel Howery and Andre D Thompson. Show 1205

Monday, February 10: Guests include Janet Jackson, Jane Levy and Jo Firestone. Show 1206

Tuesday, February 11: Guests include Constance Wu, Backstreet Boys and musical guest Skip Marley & H.E.R. Show 1207

**Wednesday, February 12: Guests include Ryan Seacrest and Zoë Kravitz. Show 1208 

Thursday, February 13: Guests include Rosario Dawson, Logan Lerman and musical guest Megan Thee Stallion. Show 1209

**Friday, February 14: Guests include Steve Buscemi, Zoey Deutch and musical guest Justin Bieber Ft. Quavo. Show 1210

These listings are subject to change.

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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: February 6 – 13

Thursday, February 6: Guests include RuPaul, Meghan Trainor and musical guest Meghan Trainor. Show 1204

Friday, February 7: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Lil Rel Howery and Andre D Thompson. Show 1205

Monday, February 10: Guests include Janet Jackson, Jane Levy and Jo Firestone. Show 1206

Tuesday, February 11: Guests include Constance Wu, Backstreet Boys and musical guest Skip Marley & H.E.R. Show 1207

Wednesday, February 12: Guests include Ryan Seacrest, Zoë Kravitz and musical guest Jhené Aiko. Show 1208 

**Thursday, February 13: Guests include Rosario Dawson, Logan Lerman and musical guest Megan Thee Stallion. Show 1209

These listings are subject to change.

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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: February 5 – 12

Wednesday, February 5: Guests include Claire Danes, Lana Condor and musical guest Lil Wayne. Show 1203

Thursday, February 6: Guests include RuPaul, Meghan Trainor and musical guest Meghan Trainor. Show 1204

**Friday, February 7: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Lil Rel Howery and Andre D Thompson. Show 1205

Monday, February 10: Guests include Janet Jackson, Jane Levy and Jo Firestone. Show 1206

Tuesday, February 11: Guests include Constance Wu, Backstreet Boys and musical guest Skip Marley & H.E.R. Show 1207

**Wednesday, February 12: Guests include Ryan Seacrest, Zoë Kravitz and musical guest Jhené Aiko. Show 1208 

These listings are subject to change.

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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: February 4 – 11

Tuesday, February 4: Guests include Margot Robbie, Jeff Probst and musical guest Mura Masa & slowthai. Show 1202

Wednesday, February 5: Guests include Claire Danes, Lana Condor and musical guest Lil Wayne. Show 1203

Thursday, February 6: Guests include RuPaul, Meghan Trainor and musical guest Meghan Trainor. Show 1204

Friday, February 7: Guests include Rosario Dawson, Lil Rel Howery and Andre D Thompson. Show 1205

Monday, February 10: Guests include Janet Jackson, Jane Levy and Jo Firestone. Show 1206

**Tuesday, February 11: Guests include Constance Wu, Backstreet Boys and musical guest Skip Marley & H.E.R. Show 1207

These listings are subject to change.

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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: February 3 – 10

Monday, February 3: Guests include Andy Samberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead and musical guest Finneas. Show 1201

Tuesday, February 4: Guests include Margot Robbie, Jeff Probst and musical guest Mura Masa & slowthai. Show 1202

Wednesday, February 5: Guests include Claire Danes, Lana Condor and musical guest Lil Wayne. Show 1203

Thursday, February 6: Guests include RuPaul, Meghan Trainor and musical guest Meghan Trainor. Show 1204

Friday, February 7: Guests include Rosario Dawson, Lil Rel Howery and Andre D Thompson. Show 1205

**Monday, February 10: Guests include Janet Jackson, Jane Levy and Jo Firestone. Show 1206
These listings are subject to change.

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QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' January 27 - January 31

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.27.20
There was an impeachment bombshell that just came out, and it could possibly bring down Trump’s presidency, or as it’s known in the White House: Monday.
We found out that former National Security Advisor John Bolton’s new book has a firsthand account of Trump personally freezing aid for Ukraine to get dirt on the Bidens. You can tell Trump was caught off-guard by Bolton. Today he was like, “All I did was fire you, give you a mean nickname and insult the job you did and this is the thanks I get?!”
Bolton used to work for Trump, and now his book could bring him down. Today, Trump was faced with the two things he hates the most: disloyalty and reading.
I wanna say congrats to Billie Eilish for winning five Grammy’s last night. She’s feeling so happy and upbeat, now she has no idea how she’ll write her next song.
Billie Eilish was the big winner and before winning her 5th Grammy, she was seen mouthing “Please don’t be me.” It’s tough to give a 5th acceptance speech. At a certain point, you just start looking around the room for things to thank.
Jameson whiskey has a new cold brew coffee that includes whiskey. It's perfect if you're looking to start your day, and then immediately end it.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.28.20
Former New York City Mayor and 2020 Presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg is my guest tonight! I heard if we’re good, he’s gonna give all of us a billion dollars.
Mike Bloomberg is so rich, some people might think he’s out of touch, but I don’t think so. Backstage, he was just hanging out, buying a Twix from the vending machine, with a thousand-dollar bill.
Mike Bloomberg is actually worth almost 60 billion dollars! Mike is so rich, he has two Disney Plus accounts.
Mike Bloomberg is so rich, he’s the only person to ever buy the 20 dollar scratch-off ticket.
Mike Bloomberg is so rich, he just bought a big screen TV and the extended warranty.
Bloomberg has already spent over 250 million dollars on his campaign. Right now, there’s basically three things on Network television – Late night talk shows, shows about Chicago, and ads for Mike Bloomberg.
I actually have to be careful how I talk about Mike Bloomberg, cuz if I say “former New York City Mayor” three times, Rudy Giuliani will appear from a puff of smoke.
More revelations are coming out from John Bolton’s new book. Apparently, he was afraid that Trump was granting favors to the leaders of Turkey and China. I’m not saying Trump wants this book to disappear, but he just bought all the copies and threw them in Jeffrey Epstein’s prison cell.
The president asked, "Are you better off now than you were three years ago? Almost everyone say YES!” Then Trump was like, "Can I get a mostly hell yeah."
The Middle East peace plan was put together by Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner. So if it works, the Middle East can look back at this moment and say “We went to Jared!”
Last night was an all-new episode of “The Bachelor,” and the girls were pretty surprised when Chris Harrison told them they were going on a group date to...Cleveland. At first, they were like, “this isn’t a romantic date, this is a layover”
All the girls went to Cleveland, and they played football in the Browns Stadium. Afterward, half the girls got roses from Peter, and the rest got contracts from the Browns.
I saw that there’s a new Transformers movie in the works. It should be pretty cool. If you pay to see the movie, it transforms your 12 dollars into regret.
Justin Bieber just released a 10 part docu-series on YouTube. You can either watch ten YouTube videos, or 4,800 Tik Toks.
A new study found children who watch cooking shows eat healthier snacks. The study also found children who watch Gordon Ramsay are more likely to throw their mom’s risotto and call them a stupid donkey.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.29.20
President Trump’s Senate impeachment trial continued today with part one of a 16 hour question-and-answer session. If you thought this trial couldn’t get any more exciting...you were right!
16 hours of Q&A! Today, Bernie Sanders was like, “Who’s on trial, Trump or my bladder?!”
16 hours of questions. It’s like what happens after you set up the WiFi at your parents’ house.
The Senators wrote their questions on a slip of paper, that was handed to Chief Justice John Roberts, who read it out loud. Which got awkward when Roberts was like, “Okay, next question...Why is John Roberts such a wang?”
A college football coach in Michigan was suspended after telling the student newspaper he admired Hitler’s leadership skills. Even crazier, all the reporter asked was, “Who’s gonna be your quarterback next season?”
Afterward, the coach was like, “Ah, I shoulda said Bin Laden!”
Police in Florida caught an alligator who was peering into windows at a local shopping center. There was a sad moment when the alligator saw some boots and was like, “Carl?!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.30.20

Tonight is gonna be fun, energetic, exciting – pretty much the opposite of Trump’s impeachment trial.
Tonight the Senate wrapped up the Q&A portion of the impeachment trial, after 16 hours of questions. 16 hours of questions – it’s like going through customs with a tangerine.
Now we’ve arrived at the big moment in the trial – the vote on whether or not to allow witnesses. And I heard that if there’s a tie, Chief Justice John Roberts could cast the deciding vote. When he heard, Roberts was like, “Oh God, I wish I hadn’t been zoning out this whole time.”
In honor of the Super Bowl, Pizza Hut is offering a prize to the family that gives birth to the first set of twins after kickoff. So guys – when your wife's in labor on Sunday, just remind her to hurry cuz of Pizza Hut.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.31.20
Super Bowl 54 is on Sunday! So many exciting questions! Who will win? Who will lose? Most importantly, who will take the hint when the game’s over, it’s time to leave my house?!
I’m actually having a big Super Bowl party this year. I’m really looking forward to it – mostly so I can serve the guac that’s been in my fridge since last year’s Super Bowl.
One of the players on the Kansas City Chiefs is actually a doctor. When he gets hurt, he asks himself, “How many fingers am I holding up?”
Right before the game, FOX will air an interview with President Trump. Even the biggest Trump supporters are like, “Can we have just one damn day that isn’t about him?!”
Not only is the Super Bowl on Sunday, it’s also Groundhog Day! Things are gonna be a little different this year. Now if the groundhog sees his shadow, it means six more weeks of Trump’s impeachment trial.
Speaking of Trump's impeachment trial, today the Senate voted against hearing from witnesses. Which explains the Republicans new slogan, “If you see something, no you didn’t.”
Senator Mitt Romney actually stood up against his party and voted for witnesses. You know the Republican party has changed a lot, when the bad boy rebel is Mitt Romney.
A dentist in Georgia who collects toothpaste says he has over 3,000 tubes. That’s crazy – if he just learned how to squeeze from the bottom, he’d only need like 2,000.
I saw that Coca-Cola just released a new line of energy drinks, called “Coke Energy,” and it has over 3-times the caffeine as regular Coke. And this is fun – if you add just a scoop of meth it becomes Mountain Dew.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 31 – February 7

Friday, January 31: Guests include Ewan McGregor, Fran Lebowitz and musical guests Mustard & Roddy Ricch. Show 1200

Monday, February 3: Guests include Andy Samberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead and musical guest Finneas. Show 1201

Tuesday, February 4: Guests include Margot Robbie, Jeff Probst and musical guest Mura Masa & slowthai. Show 1202

Wednesday, February 5: Guests include Claire Danes, Lana Condor and musical guest Lil Wayne. Show 1203

Thursday, February 6: Guests include RuPaul, Meghan Trainor and musical guest Meghan Trainor. Show 1204

**Friday, February 7: Guests include Rosario Dawson, Lil Rel Howery and Andre D Thompson. Show 1205

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 30 – February 6

Thursday, January 30: Guests include JJ Watt, Louis Tomlinson and musical guest Louis Tomlinson. Show 1199

Friday, January 31: Guests include Ewan McGregor, Fran Lebowitz and musical guests Mustard & Roddy Ricch. Show 1200

Monday, February 3: Guests include Andy Samberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead and musical guest Finneas. Show 1201

Tuesday, February 4: Guests include Margot Robbie, Jeff Probst and musical guest Mura Masa & slowthai. Show 1202

Wednesday, February 5: Guests include Claire Danes, Lana Condor and musical guest Lil Wayne. Show 1203

**Thursday, February 6: Guests include RuPaul, Meghan Trainor and musical guest Meghan Trainor. Show 1204

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 29 – February 5

Wednesday, January 29: Guests include Blake Lively, Jameela Jamil and musical guest Roddy Ricch. Show 1198 

Thursday, January 30: Guests include JJ Watt, Louis Tomlinson and musical guest Louis Tomlinson. Show 1199

Friday, January 31: Guests include Ewan McGregor, Fran Lebowitz and musical guests Mustard & Roddy Ricch. Show 1200

Monday, February 3: Guests include Andy Samberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead and musical guest Finneas. Show 1201

Tuesday, February 4: Guests include Margot Robbie, Jeff Probst and musical guest Mura Masa & slowthai. Show 1202

**Wednesday, February 5: Guests include Claire Danes, Lana Condor and musical guest Lil Wayne. Show 1203

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 28 – February 4

Tuesday, January 28: Guests include Michael Bloomberg, Deepak Chopra and musical guest Rapsody ft. PJ Morton. Show 1197

Wednesday, January 29: Guests include Blake Lively, Jameela Jamil and musical guest Roddy Ricch. Show 1198 

Thursday, January 30: Guests include JJ Watt, Louis Tomlinson and musical guest Louis Tomlinson. Show 1199

Friday, January 31: Guests include Ewan McGregor, Fran Lebowitz and musical guests Mustard & Roddy Ricch. Show 1200

Monday, February 3: Guests include Andy Samberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead and musical guest Finneas. Show 1201

**Tuesday, February 4: Guests include Margot Robbie, Jeff Probst and musical guest Mura Masa & slowthai. Show 1202 

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 27 – February 3

Monday, January 27: Guests include Michael Strahan, Matt Bomer and Nick Thune. Show 1196

Tuesday, January 28: Guests include Michael Bloomberg, Deepak Chopra and musical guest Rapsody ft. PJ Morton. Show 1197

Wednesday, January 29: Guests include Blake Lively, Jameela Jamil and musical guest Roddy Ricch. Show 1198 

Thursday, January 30: Guests include JJ Watt, Louis Tomlinson and musical guest Louis Tomlinson. Show 1199

Friday, January 31: Guests include Ewan McGregor, Fran Lebowitz and musical guests Mustard & Roddy Ricch. Show 1200

**Monday, February 3: Guests include Andy Samberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead and musical guest Finneas. Show 1201

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' January 20 - January 24

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.20.20
I want to wish everyone a happy Martin Luther King Day. All day long, “MLK” was trending on Twitter. Unfortunately, President Trump thinks “MLK” are the roman numerals for Super Bowl 54.
I want to say congrats to the Kansas City Chiefs and San Francisco 49ers on advancing to Super Bowl 54! Fans of both teams are going crazy, while most of the country is celebrating that it’s not the Patriots.
This is the Chiefs' first trip to the Super Bowl since winning it 50 years ago. Things in the 70’s were so much different than they are today. Back then, the President was being impeached.
Las Vegas is already taking bets for the Super Bowl. Since 49ers quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo is white and named “Jimmy,” there are 2-to-1 odds he becomes a late night talk show host.
Trump’s Senate impeachment trial begins tomorrow. His legal team is busy preparing their defense strategy. So far it’s: release a live bat in the Senate chamber then scatter.
The New York Times Editorial Board endorsed Elizabeth Warren and Amy Klobuchar as Democrats’ top choices for the 2020 nomination. That’s right, they picked two candidates, and today, their sports section picked the Chiefs and the 49ers to win the Super Bowl.
A man in New Hampshire had a 21 dollar bar tab, and he left a 2,000 dollar tip. So it’s official: Mike Bloomberg will spend whatever it takes to get a vote.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.21.20
President Trump’s Senate impeachment trial kicked off today, even though there’s just about zero chance he gets removed from office. Republicans are calling this the biggest waste of time since they saw a double feature of “Cats” and “Dolittle.”
Mitch McConnell announced that each side would get 8 hours a day, for 3 days, to make their arguments. Yeah, 8 hours a day over 3 days – which is the same way everyone watched “The Irishman.”
3 days for 8 hours a day? This is like Shark Week for news channels. Tune in on Saturday for “Impeachnado” starring Tara Reid and Adam Schiff!
There are some pretty strict rules for the trial. Senators have to remain silent and they can’t use their phones. Meanwhile, Trump will be screaming at the TV while tweeting from the toilet.
One Senator claims rules for trial only allow members to drink water and milk on the Senate floor. The only other place you’ll see water and milk is Mike Pence’s beer helmet.
Each day of the impeachment trial will begin with the proclamation, “All persons are commanded to keep silence, on pain of imprisonment.” Senators heard and were like, “We’re spending 8 hours a day with Ted Cruz – how much worse could prison be?”
After each side presents its case, Senators then get to ask 16 hours of questions. 16 hours of questions! They’re gonna feel like every husband who comes home late with glitter on his suit.
16 hours of questions! That’s like your dad getting a new phone at Sprint.
16 hours of questions! That’s like every Uber driver I’ve ever had.
16 hours of questions! It's like you just told Planet Fitness you want to cancel your gym membership.
Trump is in Switzerland for the World Economic Forum, over 4,000 miles away from Washington. Apparently when he asked his lawyers, “How can I help?” they handed him a plane ticket.
Everyone’s talking about a new documentary about Hillary Clinton where she claims, “Nobody likes Bernie Sanders.” It’s a big deal. If Hillary’s accusations are true, it could cost Bernie the 2016 election.
I wanna say congrats to Derek Jeter, who got elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame today! The Hall of Fame announced that Jeter got in at 6 o’clock p.m., but somehow, the Houston Astros knew about it earlier.
Even Red Sox fans are like, “Congrats, Jeter! You suck.”
Delta is giving all of their employees two months of extra pay. They’re all super excited to use the money to check one bag on Delta.
A woman in the U.K. just found a message in a bottle from Canada. Which means Harry and Meghan must’ve been cut off from their Sprint Royal Family plan.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.22.20
President Trump’s Senate impeachment trial kicked off yesterday. It began at 1PM and lasted 13 hours! And out of habit, once the trial lasted more than 4 hours, every old Senator panicked and called their doctor.
During the marathon first day, several senators were actually caught sleeping – including Mitch McConnell. Even more upsetting, when Mitch McConnell falls asleep, he doesn’t close his eyes like you and me, his head just slowly retreats into his neck.
This week, there was an attempt to break the record for “largest gathering of twins,” and over 14,000 pairs of twins showed up. Asked how they’d describe the event, organizers said, “Creepy, really creepy.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.23.20
Today was Day 3 of President Trump’s Senate impeachment trial, and House managers are still presenting “opening arguments.” Right now, even the creators of Game of Thrones are like, “This opening is way too long.”
Today was Day 3 of the trial, and Democrats have now spent over 16 hours arguing their case. The only other place you’d see 16 hours of arguing is between a couple at Ikea.
Americans are really focused on the impeachment, and I read that more than 11 million viewers have tuned in. The ratings are huge, and Trump’s torn, he doesn’t know whether to worry about it, or take credit for it. “I have the biggest impeachment ratings in history!”
Yesterday, people noticed massive bags of Mexican food were delivered to Congress. So I guess this is nacho average impeachment trial.
Mike Bloomberg has opened up his campaign headquarters in Times Square, and he’s already got 1,000 employees. And this is nice – they’re all Democrats who dropped out of the race.
Honda and GM just unveiled a new self-driving car that doesn’t have a steering wheel or pedals. There’s no radio either, cuz all you’ll ever hear is yourself screaming.
Two strangers – one in New Zealand and one in Spain – placed slices of bread on opposite ends of the Earth's surface to create an "Earth Sandwich." Then their parents were like, “So...no news on the job hunt then?”
A man in Delaware accidentally bought two of the same Powerball tickets, then won 50,000 dollars twice, or as he told his wife, “Honey, I won the lottery one time!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.24.20
Today was the last day for Democrats to give their opening arguments in Trump’s impeachment trial. At the end, all the House Managers got up and sang Green Day’s “Time of Your Life.”
Now that the Democrats are done, Republicans will start their opening statements tomorrow. Trump’s already complaining that his defense will start on a Saturday. He tweeted that Saturday is... “Death Valley in TV.”
Trump could get removed from office and he’s complaining about ratings. It’s like when Nixon famously said, “I’ll resign – but I want ‘Happy Days’ as my lead-in.”
I read that Las Vegas is no longer using its famous slogan, “What Happens Here, Stays Here.” They’ve already come up with a new slogan. “What Happens Here, Gets Posted On Instagram And You’re Fired.”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 24 – 31

Friday, January 24: Guests include Milo Ventimiglia, Guy Raz and Carmen Lynch. Show 1195

Monday, January 27: Guests include Michael Strahan, Matt Bomer and Nick Thune. Show 1196

Tuesday, January 28: Guests include Michael Bloomberg, Deepak Chopra and musical guest Rapsody ft. PJ Morton. Show 1197

Wednesday, January 29: Guests include Blake Lively, Jameela Jamil and musical guest Roddy Ricch. Show 1198 

Thursday, January 30: Guests include JJ Watt, Louis Tomlinson and musical guest Louis Tomlinson. Show 1199

**Friday, January 31: Guests include Ewan McGregor, Fran Lebowitz and musical guests Mustard & Roddy Ricch. Show 1200

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 23 – 30

Thursday, January 23: Guests include Noah Centineo, Wendy Williams and musical guest Griselda. Show 1194

Friday, January 24: Guests include Milo Ventimiglia, Guy Raz and Carmen Lynch. Show 1195

Monday, January 27: Guests include Michael Strahan, Matt Bomer and Nick Thune. Show 1196

**Tuesday, January 28: Guests include Michael Bloomberg, Deepak Chopra and musical guest Rapsody ft. PJ Morton. Show 1197

**Wednesday, January 29: Guests include Blake Lively, Jameela Jamil and musical guest Roddy Ricch. Show 1198 

**Thursday, January 30: Guests include JJ Watt, Louis Tomlinson and musical guest Louis Tomlinson. Show 1199

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 22 – 29

Wednesday, January 22: Guests include Halsey, Leslie Jones and Claire Saffitz. Show 1193

Thursday, January 23: Guests include Noah Centineo, Wendy Williams and musical guest Griselda. Show 1194

Friday, January 24: Guests include Milo Ventimiglia, Guy Raz and Carmen Lynch. Show 1195

Monday, January 27: Guests include Michael Strahan, Matt Bomer and Nick Thune. Show 1196

Tuesday, January 28: Guests include Deepak Chopra and musical guest Rapsody ft. PJ Morton. Show 1197

**Wednesday, January 29: Guests include Blake Lively and musical guest Roddy Ricch. Show 1198 

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 21 – 28

Tuesday, January 21: Guests include Martin Short, David Dobrik and musical guest Yola. Show 1192

Wednesday, January 22: Guests include Halsey, Leslie Jones and Claire Saffitz. Show 1193

Thursday, January 23: Guests include Noah Centineo, Wendy Williams and musical guest Griselda. Show 1194

Friday, January 24: Guests include Milo Ventimiglia, Guy Raz and Carmen Lynch. Show 1195

**Monday, January 27: Guests include Michael Strahan, Matt Bomer and Nick Thune. Show 1196

**Tuesday, January 28: Guests include Deepak Chopra and musical guest Rapsody ft. PJ Morton. Show 1197

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' January 13 - January 17

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.13.20
Trump sent several tweets meant for Iranians in Farsi, beginning with this. The translation is: “To the brave, long-suffering people of Iran: I've stood with you since the beginning of my Presidency…we are following your protests closely, and are inspired by your courage.”
Americans were like, “Wait, how are Trump’s tweets in Farsi more coherent than in English?”
The Oscar nominations were announced today, and leading the way with 11 nominations was “Joker.” Yeah, it got the nod for “Best Picture,” “Best Actor,” and “Best Reason Not To Get A Clown For Your Kid’s Birthday.”
Along with “Joker,” the Best Picture category includes movies like “1917,” and “Marriage Story.” Which is why next year, some studio will try to get nominated by making a movie called: “World War 1: Clown Divorce.”
“Frozen 2” didn’t get nominated for Best Animated Feature. The producer was like, “If one more person texts me “Let it go” I am gonna SNAP.”
There’s a lot of controversy about the nominations. First of all, none of the nominees for Best Director are women. Yeah, you know there’s a problem when female directors got the same number of nominations as “Cats.”
This year, 18 of the 20 acting nominees are white. Yeah, the nominees are so white, this year’s Oscars are being held at Pottery Barn.
The Oscars are going to be three hours of white people on stage – or as that’s also known: The Democratic debates.
Next month, The Grammys will have a tribute special for Prince. That marks the first time in a few days that a Prince has gotten any love from "Grammy."
Gweneth Paltrow is selling a candle called “This candle smells like my...” You can buy it online, or have the most awkward conversation ever at Yankee Candle. Women said they like it, while men can’t figure out how to light it.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.14.20
Tyler Perry is my guest tonight! Tyler’s so busy – not only is he here now, but he also played every Democrat at tonight’s debate.
Everyone was focused on Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren after Bernie reportedly told her a woman can’t win the presidency. Most Americans disagreed, while every Oscar voter sided with Bernie.
I’m surprised Bernie said that to Warren. You think he would’ve learned his lesson after he said the same thing to Cleopatra.
It was freezing in Iowa with temperatures reaching 14 degrees. Democrats said they hadn’t seen numbers that low since Bill de Blasio was in the race.
It was so cold, all the candidates shrunk to the size of Pete Buttigieig.
It was so cold, Joe Biden’s teeth were chattering...on his nightstand.
I wanna say congrats to the LSU Tigers on winning the college football National Championship! Last night, they beat Clemson and today classes at LSU were cancelled. The only thing more empty than an LSU classroom is a movie theater showing Cats.
LSU’s Heisman-winning quarterback Joe Burrow threw for 5 touchdown passes last night. On the one hand, he’s the best player in college football, and on the other, he’s one step closer to playing for the Bengals.
President Trump was at the big championship game last night. The referees actually used his tie to measure the first downs.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.15.20
Robert Downey Jr. is my guest tonight! He stars in the new movie “Dolittle,” which pretty much sums up last night’s Democratic debate.
Last night was the seventh Democratic debate, and a lot of people are saying that it was pretty “dull.” It’s odd, cuz I really thought six white people standing behind podiums on stage for two hours was gonna be a rager.
The Iowa caucuses are just weeks away, voters in the state are being bombarded with campaign ads. The battle for the airwaves has gotten so intense, that Mike Bloomberg is now attacking The My Pillow Guy.
The House finally voted to send the articles of impeachment to the Senate. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me but the impeachment sort of feels like “Grey’s Anatomy.” Every time I see it my first thought is, “Wow, is that still on TV?!”
Pelosi appointed seven “impeachment managers” who will prosecute the case against Trump. I don’t know if that was a good idea - I mean, when you pick seven, aren’t you begging Trump to give them dwarf nicknames from Snow White. “There’s Congressman Dopey, Sleepy, and Grumpy.
Trump’s keeping busy. Last night, he held a rally in Wisconsin, where he ranted about dishwashers, and said people have to run them 10 times to get things clean. First of all, since when does Trump use a dishwasher? Everything he eats comes in a wrapper.
Trump said the same exact thing about toilets. Yeah, he said people are flushing toilets ten times to get them to work. I think I know what’s going on here: Trump’s washing his dishes in the toilet, and he’s going to the bathroom in his dishwasher.
“Jeopardy’s Greatest of All Time” tournament is over and in the end, Ken Jennings won three games, James Holzhauer won one, and Brad Rutter didn’t win any. Yeah, Rutter is one of Jeopardy’s all time greats, and now everyone looks at him like, “Psh, idiot.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.16.19
During the entire trial, Senators will have to remain in their seats. And if they’re also refused food and water, it’ll be just like flying Southwest.
In Washington, a bible was recently blessed to become the official Bible of the Space Force. Meanwhile, the Bible was like, “Wow, one day I’m in a drawer at Motel 6 and now I’m in space!”
HBO announced that a “Game of Thrones” prequel called “House of the Dragon” is coming in two years. In the prequel, we find out the House of Targaryan started when a Prince and his new wife decided to move to Canada.
“Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker” just passed the one-billion dollar mark at the box office. You can tell “Star Wars” has made a lot of money – now C3P0 can buy his way into the next Democratic debate.
A new study found that smoking weed can actually improve your sex life. Americans were like, “Great!” – then smoked some weed, and fell asleep.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.17.19
A major winter storm is expected to hit the East Coast and some places could get up to a foot of snow. And just to be safe, President Trump announced he’s shutting down the Senate until November.
Trump’s impeachment trial begins Tuesday in the Senate. It’s pretty historic. Impeachment has only happened three times in 150 years. It’s like seeing Halley’s Comet, or finding an employee at Home Depot.
During the trial, Trump says he’s probably still gonna go to Switzerland for the World Economic Forum. Cuz nothing says, “I’m innocent” like flying to Switzerland the minute your trial starts.
I wanna say Happy Birthday to Betty White, who turned 98 years-old today! It’s a big week for Betty. She had a birthday, and she became the only person in America to see all three impeachments.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 17 – 24

Friday, January 17: Guests include Matthew McConaughey & Hugh Grant, Vanessa Hudgens and musical guest Ashley McBryde. Show 1190

Monday, January 20: Guests include Ken Jeong, Kate Upton and musical guest Old Dominion. Show 1191

Tuesday, January 21: Guests include Martin Short, David Dobrik and musical guest Yola. Show 1192

Wednesday, January 22: Guests include Halsey, Leslie Jones and Claire Saffitz. Show 1193

Thursday, January 23: Guests include Noah Centineo, Wendy Williams and musical guest Griselda. Show 1194

**Friday, January 24: Milo Ventimiglia, Guy Raz and Carmen Lynch. Show 1195

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 16 – 23

Thursday, January 16: Guests include The Cast of Schitt’s Creek, Finn Wolfhard and Justin Willman. Show 1189

Friday, January 17: Guests include Matthew McConaughey & Hugh Grant, Vanessa Hudgens and musical guest Ashley McBryde. Show 1190

Monday, January 20: Guests include Ken Jeong, Kate Upton and musical guest Old Dominion. Show 1191

Tuesday, January 21: Guests include Martin Short, David Dobrik and musical guest Yola. Show 1192

Wednesday, January 22: Guests include Halsey, Leslie Jones and Claire Saffitz. Show 1193

**Thursday, January 23: Guests include Noah Centineo, Wendy Williams and musical guest Griselda. Show 1194

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 15 – 22

Wednesday, January 15: Guests include Robert Downey Jr., Aidy Bryant and musical guest Little Big Town. Show 1188

Thursday, January 16: Guests include The Cast of Schitt’s Creek, Finn Wolfhard and Justin Willman. Show 1189

Friday, January 17: Guests include Matthew McConaughey & Hugh Grant, Vanessa Hudgens and musical guest Ashley McBryde. Show 1190

Monday, January 20: Guests include Ken Jeong, Kate Upton and musical guest Old Dominion. Show 1191

Tuesday, January 21: Guests include Martin Short, David Dobrik and musical guest Yola. Show 1192

**Wednesday, January 22: Guests include Halsey, Leslie Jones and Claire Saffitz. Show 1193
These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 14 – 21

Tuesday, January 14: Guests include Tyler Perry, Yara Shahidi and musical guest Black Pumas. Show 1187

Wednesday, January 15: Guests include Robert Downey Jr., Aidy Bryant and musical guest Little Big Town. Show 1188

Thursday, January 16: Guests include The Cast of Schitt’s Creek, Finn Wolfhard and Justin Willman. Show 1189

Friday, January 17: Guests include Matthew McConaughey & Hugh Grant, Vanessa Hudgens and musical guest Ashley McBryde. Show 1190

**Monday, January 20: Guests include Ken Jeong, Kate Upton and musical guest Old Dominion. Show 1191

**Tuesday, January 21: Guests include Martin Short, David Dobrik and musical guest Yola. Show 1192

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' January 6 - January 10

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.6.20
For 2020, a lot of people are making the resolution to drink more water. That’s why for the last six days, college kids have woken up next to a pile of empty Coors Lights.
People are participating in the “2020 tipping challenge,” it’s where you tip waiters 20 dollars and 20 cents in honor of the new year. Waiters heard that and were like, “That’s great, sir, but your bill was 500 dollars.”
The big story is everything going on with Iran. But on the bright side, it’s the first time Trump’s ever said “I” and “ran” in the same sentence.
Before the Iran strike, Trump told some guests at Mar-a-Lago that something huge was coming, but he never told Congress. Which means there’s a really good chance that Sugar
Ray’s Mark McGrath heard about the strike before Nancy Pelosi.
Past presidents including George W. Bush declined taking out Iran’s top commander cuz it could lead to war. You know things are bad when even George W. Bush was like, “This could really mess things up in the Middle East.”
According to a new poll, Republicans top choices for president in 2024 include Ivanka and Donald Trump Jr. Meanwhile, Eric just got his tongue unstuck from a pole he licked on Christmas.
Bernie Sanders is now in a three-way tie for first place in New Hampshire. And if one of your New Year’s resolutions was to “eat less” just remember the phrase, “Bernie Sanders is now in a three-way.”
Last night was the Golden Globe Awards, and Russell Crowe won for his role in the miniseries, “The Loudest Voice.” When he heard that, Bernie Sanders was like, “How the hell did I not win that?!”
Tonight was the season premiere of The Bachelor! The new bachelor is Peter, and he’s actually a pilot for Delta. When he’s sitting by the fire on a date, and the girl asks for a blanket, he’ll be like, “That’ll be nine dollars.”
Police in Pennsylvania are investigating after someone intentionally released bed bugs in a Walmart changing room. Luckily, no one was affected – mostly cuz everyone at Walmart just tries on pants right in the aisles.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.7.20
Things are still pretty tense between Trump and Iran. In fact when Trump was asked about Iran possibly attacking us, he said "if it happens it happens." Just like when the Civil War started and Abraham Lincoln declared "Eh it is what it is." "What do ya want from me?"
And this isn’t good. The US military accidentally sent a draft letter ordering U.S. troops to leave Iraq, and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff called it a “kerfuffle.” Then Trump was like, “I believe the word is ‘covfefe.’”
But Trump is busy. Earlier today at the White House, he met with the leader of Greece. And Trump was confused, cuz he thought the leader of Greece was John Travolta.
Earlier tonight on ABC, Jeopardy began their “Greatest of All Time” Tournament, where the three biggest Jeopardy winners of all-time face off against one another. And since it’s ABC primetime they changed the name from “Jeopardy” to “Nerdish.”
ABC really gives you both ends of the spectrum. Tonight, it was the three greatest Jeopardy contestants of all time and last night on The Bachelor it was three single women puking out the sun roof of a limo.
Some business news. I saw that “Pier 1” is close to filing for bankruptcy. This may not mean much to you, but I promise, your aunt is devastated.
I saw that Uber and Hyundai are teaming up to make a flying taxi. It’s perfect if you’ve ever been in the back of an Uber and thought, “I wish this half-asleep driver was a thousand feet off the ground.”
A new study found that running a marathon can help you live longer, unfortunately your nipples suffer an early death. 

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.8.20
Thankfully everyone is fine, but last night, Iran fired 22 missiles at two American military bases in Iraq. It was pretty scary. One soldier said he hadn’t seen a bomb that big since the movie “Cats.”
Things are so tense right now, President Trump’s skin went from being on orange alert to red alert.
During the attack, the hashtag “IranVSAmerica” was trending on Twitter. It’s good to know that when a war breaks out, we treat it the same way we treat “BB-8 VS. Baby Yoda.”
Today, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced they’ll no longer be “senior members” of the Royal Family and they might move to Canada. I give them a lot of credit. Tons of celebrities always threaten to move to Canada — they're actually doing it.
I heard that a spinoff of “The Masked Singer” is in the works with masked dancers. A show where people dance but you don’t know who they are — it’s called “Dancing with the Stars.”
Starbucks just introduced a new menu item — the Almond Milk Honey Flat White. You don’t even have to order it, you just walk up and say, “I’m that guy.”
A 92-year-old man in the UK just got his experience, a boyhood dream, of going skiing for the first time. Funeral services will be held tomorrow at 1pm, refreshments at the ski lodge.
A woman in Florida gave birth to two sets of twins in one year. When her husband went to give her a hug she said, “you stay away from me.” 

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.9.20
Everyone’s still talking about the situation overseas. Tensions are high. Both sides are upset. No one knows what’s coming. Of course, I’m talking about Harry, Meghan, and the Royal Family.
I wanna say Happy Birthday to Kate Middleton! Of course, Kate goes by “The Duchess of Cambridge” along with her new title from the Queen, “The One Who’s Still In The Will.”
This morning, President Trump got some attention for tweeting... “STOCK MARKET AT ALL-TIME HIGH! HOW ARE YOUR 409K’S DOING?” Yeah, he called it a 409K. He later bragged that the stock market “kills 99.9% of bacteria and viruses.”
Earlier tonight it was Round 3 of Jeopardy’s “Greatest of All Time” tournament. It was a strange night of TV on ABC. It started off with an hour of Jeopardy, followed by a two-hour special on Jeffrey Epstein. The night went from, “Kids, come in and learn something!” to “Kids get out of the room, now!”
I read about a White Claw factory that’s opening in Arizona. Or, as students at Arizona State are calling it: church.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.10.20
The NFL playoffs are in full swing and there are so many big matchups this weekend. You have the Vikings vs. 49ers, Seahawks vs. Packers, and Prince Harry vs. the Royal Family.
The Green Bay Packers are asking for 700 volunteers to come to the stadium and shovel snow. That story again – 700 people who live off brats and cheese are volunteering for a heart attack.
President Trump held another rally in Ohio, and said Nancy Pelosi is “not operating with a full deck.” Then he added, “Unlike me – who’s operating with all 42 cards.” And a draw 4.
Tonight was the debut of a new drama here on NBC called, “Lincoln Rhyme: Hunt for the Bone Collector.” When people said the name is kinda long, NBC was like, “Oh, our bad -- it’s actually, “Chicago: Lincoln Rhyme: Hunt for the Bone Collector.”
The “Jeopardy: Tournament of Champions” is still going on, and the contestants are also having a little fun online. After the game yesterday, James Holzhauer tweeted, “My wife is going to make me roleplay as Ken Jennings tonight.” Then Alex Trebek was like, “What is...WAY too much information!”
The world’s first Harry Potter flagship store is coming to New York. Which makes Harry Potter the second Harry to ditch the U.K. for North America.
Last year, Pokémon Go users spent almost 900 million dollars in the app. Either that or...a three year-old got on their parent’s phone for five minutes.
Taco Bell is now offering some of its managers 100,000 – dollar salaries. You can tell they’re making a lot of money, cuz on their lunch break, they go eat Chipotle.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 10 – 17

Friday, January 10: Guests include Martin Lawrence, Matthew Lopez & Kyle Soller and musical guest Karol G. Show 1185

Monday, January 13: Guests include Selena Gomez, Charlie Hunnam and musical guest Stormzy. Show 1186

Tuesday, January 14: Guests include Tyler Perry, Yara Shahidi and musical guest Black Pumas. Show 1187

Wednesday, January 15: Guests include Robert Downey Jr., Aidy Bryant and musical guest Little Big Town. Show 1188

Thursday, January 16: Guests include The Cast of Schitt’s Creek, Finn Wolfhard and Justin Willman. Show 1189

**Friday, January 17: Guests include Matthew McConaughey & Hugh Grant, Vanessa Hudgens and musical guest Ashley McBryde. Show 1190

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 9 – 16

Thursday, January 9: Guests include Will Smith, Patti Smith and musical guest Patti Smith. Show 1184

Friday, January 10: Guests include Martin Lawrence, Matthew Lopez & Kyle Soller and musical guest Karol G. Show 1185

Monday, January 13: Guests include Selena Gomez, Charlie Hunnam and musical guest Stormzy. Show 1186

Tuesday, January 14: Guests include Tyler Perry, Yara Shahidi and musical guest Black Pumas. Show 1187

Wednesday, January 15: Guests include Robert Downey Jr., Aidy Bryant and musical guest Little Big Town. Show 1188

**Thursday, January 16: Guests include The Cast of Schitt’s Creek, Finn Wolfhard and Justin Willman. Show 1189

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 8 – 15

Wednesday, January 8: Guests include Quentin Tarantino, Jodie Whittaker and musical guest Nathaniel Rateliff. Show 1183

Thursday, January 9: Guests include Will Smith, Patti Smith and musical guest Patti Smith. Show 1184

Friday, January 10: Guests include Martin Lawrence, Matthew Lopez & Kyle Soller and musical guest Karol G. Show 1185

Monday, January 13: Guests include Selena Gomez, Charlie Hunnam and musical guest Stormzy. Show 1186

Tuesday, January 14: Guests include Tyler Perry, Yara Shahidi and musical guest Black Pumas. Show 1187

**Wednesday, January 15: Guests include Robert Downey Jr., Aidy Bryant and musical guest Little Big Town. Show 

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 7 – 14

Tuesday, January 7: Guests include Salma Hayek, George MacKay and Ask This Old House. Show 1182

Wednesday, January 8: Guests include Quentin Tarantino, Jodie Whittaker and musical guest Nathaniel Rateliff. Show 1183

Thursday, January 9: Guests include Will Smith, Patti Smith and musical guest Patti Smith. Show 1184

Friday, January 10: Guests include Martin Lawrence, Matthew Lopez & Kyle Soller and musical guest Karol G. Show 1185

Monday, January 13: Guests include Selena Gomez, Charlie Hunnam and musical guest Stormzy. Show 1186

**Tuesday, January 14: Guests include Tyler Perry, Yara Shahidi and musical guest Black Pumas. Show 1187

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 6 – 13

Monday, January 6: Guests include Shaquille O'Neal, Jacqueline Novak and musical guest Lil Baby. Show 1181

Tuesday, January 7: Guests include Salma Hayek, George MacKay and Ask This Old House. Show 1182

Wednesday, January 8: Guests include Quentin Tarantino, Jodie Whittaker and musical guest Nathaniel Rateliff. Show 1183

Thursday, January 9: Guests include Will Smith, Patti Smith and musical guest Patti Smith. Show 1184

Friday, January 10: Guests include Martin Lawrence, Matthew Lopez & Kyle Soller and musical guest Karol G. Show 1185

**Monday, January 13: Guests include Selena Gomez, Charlie Hunnam and musical guest Stormzy. Show 1186

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 3 – 10

Friday, January 3: Guests include Chadwick Boseman, Evan Rachel Wood, David Byrne and musical guest David Byrne’s American Utopia. OAD 11/19/19

Monday, January 6: Guests include Shaquille O'Neal, Jacqueline Novak and musical guest Lil Baby. Show 1181

Tuesday, January 7: Guests include Salma Hayek, George MacKay and Ask This Old House. Show 1182

**Wednesday, January 8: Guests include Quentin Tarantino, Jodie Whittaker and musical guest Nathaniel Rateliff. Show 1183

**Thursday, January 9: Guests include Will Smith, Patti Smith and musical guest Patti Smith. Show 1184

**Friday, January 10: Guests include Martin Lawrence, Matthew Lopez & Kyle Soller and musical guest Karol G. Show 1185

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 2 – 9

Thursday, January 2: Guests include Senator Bernie Sanders, Katherine Langford and Gary Vaynerchuk. OAD 11/26/19

Friday, January 3: Guests include Chadwick Boseman, Evan Rachel Wood, David Byrne and musical guest David Byrne’s American Utopia. OAD 11/19/19

Monday, January 6: Guests include Shaquille O'Neal, Jacqueline Novak and musical guest Lil Baby. Show 1181

Tuesday, January 7: Guests include Salma Hayek, George MacKay and Ask This Old House. Show 1182

**Wednesday, January 8: Guests include Quentin Tarantino, Jodie Whittaker and musical guest Nathaniel Rateliff. Show 1182

**Thursday, January 9: Guests include Will Smith, Patti Smith and musical guest Patti Smith. 1183
These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: December 31 – January 7

Tuesday, December 31: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Camila Cabello and musical guest Camila Cabello. OAD 12/5/19

Wednesday, January 1: Guests include Chris Evans, Naomi Scott and musical guest EarthGang. OAD 11/4/19

Thursday, January 2: Guests include Senator Bernie Sanders, Katherine Langford and Gary Vaynerchuk. OAD 11/26/19

Friday, January 3: Guests include Chadwick Boseman, Evan Rachel Wood, David Byrne and musical guest David Byrne’s American Utopia. OAD 11/19/19

**Monday, January 6: Guests include Shaquille O'Neal, Jacqueline Novak and musical guest Lil Baby. Show 1181

**Tuesday, January 7: Guests include Salma Hayek, George MacKay and Ask This Old House. Show 1182

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' December 16 - December 19

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.16.19
Leading up to Christmas, Target is staying open extra late for shoppers. While over at Walmart, the windows are still smashed from Black Friday, so you can come and go anytime.
Saturday is the last day that you can ship something via FedEx and have it arrive in time for Christmas. Meanwhile, if you’re in line at the Post Office right now, you should make it to the counter in time for Easter.
House Democrats put out a 658 page report that details why Trump should be impeached. Who is gonna read 658 pages? The last time Americans read something that long, it ended with Voldemort fighting Harry Potter.
In that massive report, there was a 20 page dissent from Republicans. So that’s 638 pages for impeachment, 20 against. If you put those stacks next to each other, it looks like Dwayne Johnson standing next to Kevin Hart.
The full House of Representatives is going to vote on impeachment this Wednesday. It's such a big deal that C-SPAN set up a GoFundMe to buy a second camera.
Despite all the impeachment drama, Trump’s still having fun. This weekend, he went to Philadelphia for the Army-Navy football game and was greeted with cheers. It was historic, because it’s the first time anyone’s ever cheered in Philly.
A new trailer just came out for the “Top Gun” sequel. It’s great! You see a plane flying upside down, passing between two other planes, and just missing a mountain -- then after that ad for Southwest Airlines, the Top Gun trailer starts.
For the first time in 25 years, Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas is You” is number one on the Billboard Hot 100. Mostly cuz they started counting plays at CVS and Walgreens.
Last night in Rockefeller Center was the annual Merry Tuba Christmas, where hundreds of tuba players gathered to play songs. Meanwhile, the Chipotle down the street was like, “Big deal. It sounds like that in here every night.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.17.19
The new cast for the upcoming season of “The Bachelor” has just been revealed! The rules are a little different this season. First, all 30 women have to make it through a House vote, then if approved, they’re going on to face a trial in the Senate.
There’s 30 women on The Bachelor all fighting for the same thing – to see who can disappoint their parents the most.
This year’s Bachelor is Pete the Pilot, three of the contestants are actually flight attendants. Which should explain why every episode starts 45 minutes late.
Another Bachelor contestant is a professional house flipper. And just a word of advice, when you get to the Bachelor Mansion, the first thing that you want to flip is the mattress.
Tomorrow is an absolutely historic day for the United States. That’s right, after months of anticipation, it’s finally here: the Masked Singer finale.
‘Twas the night before impeachment, and all through DC, Pelosi was clapping, while Trump screamed, “Why me?!”
Tomorrow, the House will officially vote on the articles of impeachment against President Trump, and Nancy Pelosi apparently “has the votes.” Then Hillary was like, “Well...don’t get too cocky.
The media is fired up too. This morning, in the NBC gym, I ran into Mika Brzezinski bench-pressing Morning Joe.
Today “Happy Impeachment” was trending on Twitter. When Trump saw that, he was like, “Trust me, after tomorrow’s vote everyone will be saying ‘Merry Impeachment’ again!”
Rudy Giuliani just did an interview where he admitted that Trump knew what he was doing in Ukraine. It’s almost like Rudy heard there’s no way Trump can be removed from office and thought, “Oh yeah, we’ll see about that!”
I’m not saying Rudy’s hurting Trump’s case, but even Harvey Weinstein thinks he needs to shut up and go away.
But Trump is busy. He hosted the president and first lady of Guatemala. At first Trump was confused, he was like, “I love Guatemala. Especially when they make it tableside.” It’s extra at Chipotle.
A Russian spy ship was just spotted sailing off the coast of Florida. Trump heard that and was like, “That’s not a spy ship, that’s my getaway vehicle.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.18.19

Today, the House of Representatives officially voted to impeach President Trump. Of course, it’s a dark stain on his legacy -- but on the bright side, Trump finally managed to win a popular vote.

That’s right, Trump’s allies are worried about the stain that impeachment will leave on his legacy. Although, when a guy wears that much spray tan, I don’t think he cares about the stains he leaves behind.

Today, Trump became the third US president to be impeached. It was Bill Clinton in 1999 and Andew Johnson in 1868. And this is crazy, back in 1868, Andrew Johnson was also impeached for trying to dig up dirt on Joe Biden.

What happened today is historic, and experts are saying this is what we’ll remember most about 2019. Then Americans were like, “Oh come on, have you seen Baby Yoda?”

During the debate, a Republican Congressman compared Trump to Jesus. I don’t know. If Trump were Jesus, I’m pretty sure we’d have seen him turn water into Diet Coke.

“Merry Impeachmas” was trending on Twitter. But to make sure everyone felt included, Democrats were also saying “Happy Don-ukkah.”

Someone in Ohio just won the 372 million dollar Mega Millions jackpot. The winner is thrilled, while the guy who gave him the ticket for Secret Santa just walked into the ocean.

Kids are now using money apps instead of piggy banks. It's gonna get even weirder when kids tell The Tooth Fairy, "Just Venmo me."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.19.19
Just six more days til Christmas and one of the biggest selling toys this year are LOL Surprise dolls. Yeah, LOL Surprise is very popular, mostly cuz that’s what Nancy Pelosi said right before she impeached Trump.
The big story is that President Trump was impeached last night. The vote on the first article of impeachment was 230 to 197 - which was basically Trump’s blood pressure throughout the entire day.
The sixth Democratic debate was on PBS. Since it was on PBS an expert from Antiques Roadshow came out and appraised Bernie Sanders.
There were just seven candidates on stage tonight, so a lot of people were calling the debate “intimate.” Then RadioShack was like, “Hey, seven people is a lot of people!”
The movie “Cats” is about to hit theaters. I’m excited for it cuz it’s the only movie where shining a laser pointer at the screen makes all the characters go crazy.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: December 23 – January 3

Monday, December 23: Guests include Adam Sandler, Jenny Slate and Megan Gailey. OAD 11/5/19
Tuesday, December 24: Pre-empted

Wednesday, December 25: Guests include Daisy Ridley, Tom Hiddleston, Michael Eric Dyson and musical guest Noah Cyrus & Leon Bridges. OAD 11/25/19

Thursday, December 26: Guests include Dolly Parton, Kacey Musgraves and musical guest Kacey Musgraves. OAD 11/20/19

Friday, December 27: Guests include Jon Hamm, Keri Russell and musical guest Gary Clark Jr. OAD 12/11/19

**Monday, December 30: Guests include Ryan Reynolds, Niall Horan and musical guest Camila Cabello Ft. DaBaby. OAD 12/12/19

**Tuesday, December 31: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Camila Cabello and musical guest Camila Cabello. OAD 12/5/19

**Wednesday, January 1: Guests include Chris Evans, Naomi Scott and musical guest EarthGang. OAD 11/4/19

**Thursday, January 2: Guests include Senator Bernie Sanders, Katherine Langford and Gary Vaynerchuk. OAD 11/26/19

**Friday, January 3: Guests include Chadwick Boseman, Evan Rachel Wood, David Byrne and musical guest David Byrne’s American Utopia. OAD 11/19/19

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: December 17 – 24

Tuesday, December 17: Guests include John Lithgow, Liam Payne and musical guest Liam Payne. Show 1177

Wednesday, December 18: Guests include Paul Reiser & Helen Hunt, Dua Lipa and musical guest James Blake. Show 1178

Thursday, December 19: Guests include Kate McKinnon and musical guest Dua Lipa. Show 1179

Friday, December 20: Guests include Eddie Murphy, Greta Gerwig and Orlando Leyba. Show 1180

**Monday, December 23: Guests include Adam Sandler, Jenny Slate and Megan Gailey. OAD 11/5/19

**Tuesday, December 24: Pre-empted 

**Wednesday, December 25: Guests include Daisy Ridley, Tom Hiddleston, Michael Eric Dyson and musical guest Noah Cyrus & Leon Bridges. OAD 11/25/19

**Thursday, December 26: Guests include Dolly Parton, Kacey Musgraves and musical guest Kacey Musgraves. OAD 11/20/19

**Friday, December 27: Guests include Jon Hamm, Keri Russell and musical guest Gary Clark Jr. OAD 12/11/19

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' December 9 - December 12

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.9.19
During a business roundtable, Trump said that people are flushing the toilet 10 or 15 times, because of low water pressure. Trump is like, “It’s crazy, I take off the lid, sit on the tank, do my business, flush 10 times, and nothing happens!”
People in the room were like, “Maybe you’re not jiggling the handle properly?” He’s like, “Read the transcript! It was a perfect jiggle!”
Let’s just assume people ARE flushing their toilets 10 or 15 times. Does that mean people are telling the president of the United States about their flushing habits, or Trump is asking about them? “Forget about North Korea...how many times does it take you to flush?”
Trump thinks lightbulbs make him look orange. Which means there’s a decent chance Trump might not know the difference between a light bulb and a mirror.
The House Judiciary Committee held another impeachment hearing. Democrat Jerry Nadler said that a jury would convict President Trump in quote, “three minutes flat.” Or in other words, the same amount of time Trump spends flushing a toilet.
Democrats on the House Judiciary Committee have been exchanging GIFs in a group text to lighten the mood of impeachment. It might explain why the chairman opened today's hearing by saying, "In Ermahgerd We Trust."
A lot of the candidates are selling holiday merchandise. It’s very nice—for 50 bucks, you can get a Joe Biden holiday sweater. And for 100 bucks, Pete Buttigieg will come over and be your own little Elf on the Shelf.
Democratic candidate Marianne Williamson fell for a hoax and tweeted that Trump had pardoned Charles Manson. Trump heard and was like, “That’s crazy!” And then he slowly erased the idea from his white board.
Russia was banned from next year’s Olympics because of doping violations. Meanwhile, when Trump heard, “Russia,” “dope” and “violations” he said, “Oh no, what did Rudy Giuliani do this time?”
The wife of Papa John’s founder John Schnatter, has filed for divorce. It looks like they may already have a settlement and Papa John is being very, very generous: he's giving her half his money plus cheesesticks and a 2-liter of Coke.
Ryan Reynolds got the actress from the Peloton ad to star in a commercial for his brand of gin where she sips on gin after a tough day. Though it's a little awkward at the end when her husband from the Peloton ad shows up and tells her to stop having so many carbs.
I read about a woman aboard a United Airlines flight from San Francisco to Atlanta who was bit several times by a scorpion. Even crazier—it was her “Emotional Support Scorpion.”
The tube in London will now have first class cars, where the rich can drink champagne and eat hors d'oeuvres. While on the New York City subway, you can still play that fun game: “Is That Man Passed Out…Or Dead?”
In New York City, police were called after a firefighter got into a fight with a sanitation worker over a parking spot. Then a biker and a sailor walked by and they all burst into YMCA. 

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.10.19
Earlier today, House Democrats unveiled the official articles of impeachment against President Trump, which the media called “giant,” “historic,” and “a very big deal.” That’s right, the impeachment has now reached “Baby Yoda” status.
At the press conference, Adam Schiff said for Congress, the impeachment “is not a matter of facts...it is rather a question of duty.” Trump heard and was like, “Hey speaking of ‘question of duty,’—how many times do you flush?”
Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler said Trump, "consistently puts himself above the country." And in response, Trump accused Nadler of consistently putting his pants above his nipples.
The CEO of Away luggage is stepping down, and she’s being replaced with an executive from Lululemon. The guy from Lululemon isn’t sure if it’s a great fit, but he’s gonna squeeze himself in there anyway.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.11.19
Trump and Melania hosted two Hanukkah parties at the White House. Yeah, the parties were actually a little awkward—especially when Trump walked by a menorah, blew out the candles and made a wish.
Trump was planning on tweeting about the party, but after the 50th attempt at spelling “Hanukkah,” his iPhone threw itself into a punch bowl.
Joe Biden has privately told staffers if elected president, he would only serve one term, since he’d be 82 years-old. He said, “At that point, I’ll hand things over to my young Vice President, Bernie Sanders.
Time Magazine just announced their 2019 Person of the Year and they chose 16 year-old climate activist Greta Thunberg. Greta famously sailed across the Atlantic Ocean on a boat with no kitchen, no showers, and no toilets. Then anyone who’s ever been on a Carnival Cruise was like, “Hey, I did that, where’s my award?”
The New York Yankees just signed pitcher Gerrit Cole to a record-breaking, nine-year, 324-million dollar contract. He’s so rich, now he can pay a butler to come out to the mound and adjust his crotch for him.
Apple has a new Mac Pro computer, and I heard that if you order it with every available feature, it costs 52 thousand dollars. When he heard, even Gerrit Cole was like, “Oh hell no!”
Alaska Airlines is offering priority seating to passengers in ugly Christmas sweaters. It’s nice until you’re wearing a REGULAR sweater and the attendant is like, “Oh, YOU can board!”
A man in Idaho just set a Guinness World Record for “Juggling balloons with his head.” The man called it “thrilling,” while the judge holding a timer called it, “The saddest day of my life.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.12.19
This weekend is SantaCon! It’s the annual bar crawl where people put on a red costume and drink all day, or as Times Square Elmo calls that, “Life.”
SantaCon starts in Times Square at 10AM and ends around midnight in tears and handcuffs.
The House Judiciary Committee spent the last two days going over the charges against President Trump and it was being called a “Marathon Two-Day Debate.” It was a tough choice for Americans: watch hearings for 20 hours, or "The Irishman" once.
Mitch McConnell said he may try to “acquit” Trump if he’s impeached, instead of just voting to dismiss the articles. “Acquit” is also what Trump will say if he DOES get impeached. “You can’t impeach me. I...a-quit.”
But it was a busy day for Trump. This is true, he actually tweeted over one hundred times today. And if you assume all of those were from the toilet, that equals about fifteen hundred flushes.
But one of Trump’s tweets actually got a lot of attention. Today, he responded to 16-year-old, Climate Activist Greta Thunberg, being named TIME’s “Person of the Year” by tweeting: “So ridiculous. Greta must work on her Anger Management problem, then go to a good old fashioned movie with a friend! Chill Greta, Chill!”
That’s how you know these are strange times. In one room, Trump is going after a 16-year old on Twitter, and in the other room, Melania is talking about the perils of cyber-bullying.
Scientists have discovered that monkeys who have best friends live longer than other monkeys. Though, the study noted it's important that the monkeys be actual friends and not just "frenemonkeys."

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: December 12 – 20

Thursday, December 12: Guests include Ryan Reynolds, Niall Horan and musical guest Camila Cabello Ft. DaBaby. Show 1175

**Friday, December 13: Guests include John Legend, M. Night Shyamalan and musical guest John Legend. OAD 11/22/19

Monday, December 16: Guests include Michael B. Jordan, Sam Heughan and musical guest Lea Michele Ft. Jonathan Groff. Show 1176

**Tuesday, December 17: Guests include John Lithgow, Liam Payne and musical guest Liam Payne. Show 1177

**Wednesday, December 18: Guests include Paul Reiser & Helen Hunt, Dua Lipa and musical guest James Blake. Show 1178

**Thursday, December 19: Guests include Kate McKinnon and musical guest Dua Lipa. Show 1179

**Friday, December 20: Guests include Eddie Murphy, Greta Gerwig and Orlando Leyba. Show 1180

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: December 9 – 16

Monday, December 9: Guests include Timothée Chalamet, Ashley Graham, Bong Joon Ho and musical guest Summer Walker. Show 1172

**Tuesday, December 10: Guests include Hasan Minhaj, Charlie Puth and musical guest Charlie Puth. Show 1173

Wednesday, December 11: Guests include Jon Hamm, Keri Russell and musical guest Gary Clark Jr. Show 1174

Thursday, December 12: Guests include Ryan Reynolds, Niall Horan and musical guest Camila Cabello Ft. DaBaby. Show 1175

**Friday, December 13: TBA Repeat

**Monday, December 16: Guests include Michael B. Jordan, Sam Heughan and musical guest Lea Michele Ft. Jonathan Groff. Show 1176

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' December 1 - December 5

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.1.19
After spending 12 hours on Thanksgiving eating, drinking and watching football, it was nice to relax today with 12 hours of eating, drinking and watching football.
There were some big match-ups today. You had “Oakland vs. Kansas City,” “San Francisco vs. Baltimore,” and “Americans vs. their Bathroom Scale.”
The New England Patriots played the Houston Texans. For the Texans, it was the biggest game of the year. For the Patriots, it was a short layover in Houston on the way to the Super Bowl.
The Houston Texans have one of the biggest JumboTrons in the NFL. Even crazier, they bought it on Black Friday for a hundred bucks.
It’s officially the holiday season and everyone is in the spirit—even the Jets gift-wrapped the Bengals their first win of the season.
The winless Cincinnati Bengals played the New York Jets. When fans in Cincinnati yelled, “You suck!” both teams were like, “Wait—are you yelling at us, or at them?”
Ever since a black cat ran onto the field during Monday Night Football a month ago, teams with “cat” names were 0 and 12 heading into today. And this only proves...that there’s a stat guy who definitely didn’t bring a date home for Thanksgiving.
The Giants hosted the Green Bay Packers for a game in the snow in New Jersey. You could tell it was cold when both quarterbacks had their hands under the centers’ butt even during the commercials.
The weather was brutal today with snow, ice and rain slowing down one of the busiest travel days of the year. Flight delays ranged between one hour and “The Irishman” on Netflix.
About 30 million people flew for Thanksgiving. It sounds like a lot until you realize 50 million booked tickets.
The day before Thanksgiving, a woman actually gave birth on an American Airlines flight. While it was happening, the guy next to her was like, “You know what? I will buy those headphones.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.2.19
Well you guys, today is Cyber Monday! Yeah, all across the country, people spent the day ordering a bunch of crap online in their underwear, then remembered it was Cyber Monday.
Americans love Cyber Monday—mostly cuz it’s like Black Friday minus the cardio.
Maybe it's just me, but I feel like Cyber Monday has gotten way too commercial...it used to mean something, but now it's just about buying stuff...
Forever 21 had a great Cyber Monday deal—the entire store was 40% off. Not the products, you could actually BUY a Forever 21 for 40% off.
I saw that you could also get 20% off on Spanx. It’s kinda cool. You get 20% off on Spanx, and then Spanx takes 20% off of YOU.
Amazon had all kinds of great deals on speakers, cameras, smart TV’s, voice assistants, and a bunch of other stuff that secretly records people having sex.
The new trailer for the next James Bond movie came out today. I’m not saying James Bond is getting old, but he and his Bond Girl just spend the movie in bed watching “The Kominsky Method.”
New York got pounded with snow today. It’s rough out there—on the way in to work, the “Nuts for Nuts” guy asked me to help warm his nuts.
The weather was so bad, travelers flying out of JFK and Newark had delays between one and two hours. While people flying out of LaGuardia were given sleeping bags and told, “You live here now.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.3.19
Tomorrow is the lighting of the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree. Yep, 20,000 people will be here and they’re all gonna be thinking the same thing: “Don’t blink.”
NBC aired the holiday classic, “How The Grinch Stole Christmas.” But this is cool, NBC updated it so the Grinch tries stealing Christmas with some help from Ukraine.
A new poll found that America’s favorite Christmas movie is “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” While America’s least favorite is still, “Frosty The Yellow Snowman”
Today is Giving Tuesday where people are encouraged to donate time, money and goods. After hearing that, tacos were like, "Alright you can have today since it's for a good cause, but next week it's back to us."
Senator Kamala Harris has dropped out of the presidential race. Apparently, this weekend, Kamala saw Joe Biden bite his wife’s finger in public and thought, “There’s no way I can beat this guy.”
Kamala broke the news to her staff over the phone. And they had a feeling she might be quitting when the Caller ID said, “Cancun.”
A lot of people were surprised Kamala dropped out—Andrew Yang was like, “How the hell did I last longer than Kamala Harris?!”
Now that she dropped out, Kamala said she’s looking forward to taking some time off and maybe getting her hearing back after having to stand next to Bernie Sanders at 3 debates.
President Trump is currently in London for a NATO Summit. He loves it over there—anytime someone says, “Cheerio,” he replies, “Honey Nut!”
It’s actually pretty tense over there cuz Trump is currently in a feud with French president Emanuel Macron. At a joint press conference, both leaders fought over ISIS, Russia and whether Peloton’s new holiday ad is offensive.
Things are hostile cuz France is now taxing major US tech companies like Facebook and Google. And then Trump responded by banning Ratatouille from Disney Plus.
Trump spoke to reporters this morning and told them he doesn’t know Prince Andrew, even though several photos of the two of them exist, from multiple occasions. But Trump was like, “Just cuz I’m photographed with someone doesn’t mean I know them—take Eric, for example.”
Trump and Melania had tea with Prince Charles and Camilla. Melania sipped her tea with one finger out, like a Royal. While Donald sipped his with two hands, like Baby Yoda.
The House Intelligence Committee released its first official report on impeachment. But before that, Republicans issued their own report, and some people called it a “pre-buttal.” Yeah, a “prebuttal.” That sounds like something you get before a colonoscopy.
Police are looking for a couple here in New York City who were having sex on a subway platform during rush hour. Talk about “Taking the ‘D’ train.” On the bright side, their performance earned them 30 bucks in change. Unfortunately, let’s just say he had an “early arrival.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.4.19
This is a really special night. Our entire audience is filled with people who couldn’t get a spot to see the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree lighting.
Earlier tonight we had the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree Lighting! 20,000 people packed into Rockefeller Center, plus another 10,000 who are still lost from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
This year’s tree is 77 feet tall, 46 feet wide and weighs approximately 12 tons. Even more impressive, it was driven here on the roof of a Honda Civic.
It’s not looking good for the president. Democrats think they’ve got him cornered. While Republicans think Democrats just need to chill out. And you know what’s great for chilling out? Lil Wayne’s weed.
During a reception at Buckingham Palace, world leaders including Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron were caught gossiping about President Trump. Trump was so upset by the video, he actually canceled a press conference, and left NATO early. He was like, “Take me back to where I’m respected!” then flew home to where he’s being impeached.
Senator Elizabeth Warren is my guest tonight! This week, she introduced a bill to give part-time holiday workers more benefits. Which is why every Mall Santa just offered her a swig from their flask.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.5.19
Jennifer Lopez is my guest tonight! Jennifer is so busy this week—not only is she hosting Saturday Night Live, but she was just asked to perform the halftime show at Trump’s impeachment.
Nancy Pelosi held a press conference and said that the House will officially draft articles of impeachment against President Trump. Then to lighten the mood, she brought out Justin Trudeau to tell a few “Yo President So Dumb” jokes.
Pelosi said that she prays for Trump, and then Trump responded on Twitter and said he doesn’t believe her. Then God heard and was like, “Oh man, am I gonna have to testify too?”
The House is moving forward with impeachment, and now it’s looking like Trump could be impeached before Christmas. But if he behaves, Nancy will let Trump open up one of his charges on Impeachment Eve.
Trump saw that and then a little bit of pee ran down his leg.
If you wanna watch the National Christmas Tree Lighting, it will be televised in four days on the Ovation channel and Reelz. No offense, but you can find the whistleblower faster than you can find Ovation and Reelz.
Joe Biden just released a new campaign ad that includes the footage of world leaders mocking Trump. That was fast! That’s like when a team wins the Super Bowl and there’s instantly a commercial to buy their Super Bowl merchandise.
Biden called Trump the laughingstock of the world. When he heard that, Rudy Giuliani had to change his Twitter bio.
There’s a new restaurant in Malaysia that serves airline food. It’s so authentic, that while you’re waiting to order, they slam a drink cart into your knee.
At an art fair in Miami, a banana that’s duct-taped to a wall just sold for 120,000 dollars. That’s crazy! You can get that same banana at Whole Foods for just 110,000 dollars.
120,000 dollars for a banana taped to a wall. But this is nice. The buyer also got a certificate authenticating that they’re a moron.
A man just got a tattoo of Baby Yoda drinking a White Claw. When he saw that, even the guy with a tattoo of a Furby drinking Crystal Pepsi was like, "That's not gonna age well."

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: December 5 – 12

Friday, December 6: Guests include Will Ferrell, Alan Cumming and Jessica Kirson. OAD 11/21/19

Monday, December 9: Guests include Timothée Chalamet, Ashley Graham, Bong Joon Ho and musical guest Summer Walker. Show 1172

**Tuesday, December 10: Guests include Charlie Puth and musical guest Charlie Puth. Show 1173

Wednesday, December 11: Guests include Jon Hamm, Keri Russell and musical guest Gary Clark Jr. Show 1174

**Thursday, December 12: Guests include Ryan Reynolds, Niall Horan and musical guest Camila Cabello Ft. DaBaby. Show 1175

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: December 4 – 11

Wednesday, December 4: Guests include Senator Elizabeth Warren, Alanis Morissette and musical guest Alanis Morissette. Show 1170

Thursday, December 5: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Camila Cabello and musical guest Camila Cabello. Show 1171

Friday, December 6: Guests include Will Ferrell, Alan Cumming and Jessica Kirson. OAD 11/21/19

**Monday, December 9: Guests include Timothée Chalamet, Ashley Graham, Bong Joon Ho and musical guest Summer Walker. Show 1172

**Tuesday, December 10: Guests include Annette Bening, Charlie Puth and musical guest Charlie Puth. Show 1173

**Wednesday, December 11: Guests include Jon Hamm, Keri Russell and musical guest Gary Clark Jr. Show 1174

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: December 2 – 9

Monday, December 2: Guests include John Mulaney, Karlie Kloss and musical guest Solange. Show 1168

Tuesday, December 3: Guests include a science Demo from Kevin Delaney, Felicity Jones, Tomi Adeyemi and musical guest Burna Boy. Show 1169

**Wednesday, December 4: Guests include Senator Elizabeth Warren, Alanis Morissette and musical guest Alanis Morissette. Show 1170

Thursday, December 5: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Camila Cabello and musical guest Camila Cabello. Show 1171

Friday, December 6: Guests include Will Ferrell, Alan Cumming and Jessica Kirson. OAD 11/21/19

**Monday, December 9: Guests include Timothée Chalamet, Ashley Graham and musical guest Summer Walker. Show 1172

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' November 25 - December 1

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.25.19
Thanksgiving is just a few days away, and I saw that about 50 million people will be traveling for the holiday. Yeah, here’s how that breaks down: 10 million are visiting family, while 40 million are delivering weed to those 10 million.
According to a study conducted by Motel 6, people get sick of family during the holidays after about 4 hours. That’s interesting, but I prefer to get all my data from the scientists at La Quinta.
The weather this week is actually supposed to be so bad that it could mean no balloons at this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. If you’re bummed, think about the guy who spent the last 11 months blowing them up.
This year’s National Thanksgiving Turkeys are staying at a hotel in DC. Even crazier, Eric and Don Jr. are spending the week in a turkey coop.
The big news from this weekend is that former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has officially launched his presidential campaign. His new slogan is “Rebuild America.” Which is better than his first slogan: “More popular than de Blasio, less crazy than Giuliani.”
Bloomberg is worth around 54 BILLION dollars and he will be financing his own campaign. 54 BILLION! That’s crazy! To put that in perspective, that’s like adding up all the money Trump is worth and then adding 54 billion dollars.
The other big news from the weekend was Trump’s 53-minute phone call to “Fox & Friends.” That doesn’t include the first 20 minutes of the call where Trump kept yelling, “Representative!”
It was so nuts. Fox News actually ended the call. Which means the hosts of Fox & Friends were busier than the president of the United States.
This weekend, “Frozen 2” made over 130 million dollars! Which is why Elsa just announced she's running for president, and financing her own campaign.
There was a “Sopranos” convention in New Jersey. It was a lot of fun. There were people in tracksuits, smoking cigars, eating gabagool—then next door to that was the Sopranos convention.
It just came out that romaine lettuce has been linked to an E. coli outbreak. On the bright side, it looks like I’m just one salad away from losing all that Thanksgiving weight.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.26.19
Senator Bernie Sanders is my guest tonight! Right before the show, I heard Bernie talking backstage, which means he’s just five blocks away.
There was actually a fun moment before the show when our audio guy was putting a microphone on Bernie and he was like, “Trust me—I’m not gonna need that!”
In a new national poll, Bernie Sanders is ahead of President Trump by 1%. And that’s the only time you’ll ever hear Bernie Sanders say, “God bless the one percent!”
Trump pardoned a pair of turkeys named “Bread” and “Butter.” Or as Trump calls them, “The two essential food groups.”
You could actually go online and vote for which turkey got the “official” pardon, which is why Butter’s lawyer got caught in Ukraine trying to find dirt on Bread.
After they got pardoned, Bread and Butter were sent to a farm in Virginia known as “Gobbler’s Rest.” “Gobbler’s Rest”—which is also the nickname for Mitch McConnell’s neck.
A Phoenix man was arrested for stealing another man's burrito. Right now the man could face up to ten years in prison or of course extra if they find guacamole.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.27.19
I love Thanksgiving—it’s fun spending the day looking at passed out relatives and trying to guess—full, high or drunk.
Thanksgiving is almost here. Tomorrow you'll be patting, rubbing, and stuffing your turkey -- while today, the TSA did all of that to you.
Even though it’s Thanksgiving, tomorrow you can still go to Applebee’s, Boston Market, and Denny’s. It’s perfect if you just realized something’s not working—like your oven, your stove, or your marriage.
I saw that storms are already wreaking havoc across the country and the Northwest is getting hit with a bomb cyclone. That sounds like something your uncle says as he runs to the bathroom on Thanksgiving. “Lookout Jimmy! There’s about to be a bomb cyclone!”
The Northwest is dealing with a bomb cyclone, featuring 100 mile per hour winds, rain, and snow. So it looks like winter AND your in-laws showed up earlier than you wanted.
If you don’t live in the Northwest, but you still wanna experience a bomb cyclone, just walk into any TJ Maxx on Black Friday.
President Trump held a rally in Sunrise, Florida and he called the impeachment inquiry a “scam,” “a terrible hoax” and a “witch hunt.” People in the crowd were like, “Looks like we’re getting leftovers BEFORE Thanksgiving.”
Trump is currently at Mar-a-lago to celebrate Thanksgiving. He’s actually excited about the holiday cuz this year Eric and Don Jr, are gonna pull the wishbone and the loser will take the fall for Ukraine.
Some 2020 Democratic candidates have announced their Thanksgiving plans. I saw that Pete Buttigieg is going deer-hunting, Kamala Harris will be cheering on runners at a turkey trot and Bernie Sanders will tell his family what the Pilgrims were like at the first Thanksgiving.
Democrats will start drafting articles of impeachment against Trump. But this is nice. They’re gonna deliver the articles with one of those giant red bows you see in a Lexus commercial.
For the first time in years, Toys R Us is opening new stores. But when you go inside, it’s just one laptop connected to Amazon.
For Black Friday 23AndMe is offering 50% off DNA tests. That’s how you know you had a rough Thanksgiving with the family—when the first thing you buy is a DNA test to prove you’re not related.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.28.19
I love Thanksgiving—it’s that special time where you spend half the day complaining about driving then the other half wishing you were back on the road.
Millions of Americans are stuffed, and the holidays are just starting. Yeah, as we speak, everyone’s Peloton is being slowly turned into a clothing rack.
In the early days of the parade, they just let the balloons fly away at the end. Which is why Thanksgiving in New Jersey was known as, “The day the sky monsters came.”
Hundreds of volunteer clowns marched in the parade. Yeah, cuz after “It: Chapter 2” and “Joker,” that’s definitely what you want running up to your kids.
We saw the New Orleans Saints take on the Atlanta Falcons. And this was nice—the Falcons wore a patch on their jerseys in memory of all the birds we lost today.
The Falcons play in Mercedes-Benz Stadium. And the Saints play in the Mercedes-Benz Superdome. While the Cincinnati Bengals play in the Hyundai Abandoned Field.
President Trump had Thanksgiving dinner at Mar-a-Lago. At one point during the meal, Trump built a wall around his turkey with mashed potatoes to prevent any vegetables from getting in.
I saw that Amazon is having huge deals on vacuums and crockpots. It’s being described as the best Black Friday deal of 1979.
Monopoly just released a “Longest Game Ever” edition, where the only way to win is to buy all 66 properties in the game. So if you didn’t get into a fight with your family on Thanksgiving, this oughta do it!

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.1.19
After spending 12 hours on Thanksgiving eating, drinking and watching football, it was nice to relax today with 12 hours of eating, drinking and watching football.
There were some big match-ups today. You had “Oakland vs. Kansas City,” “San Francisco vs. Baltimore,” and “Americans vs. their Bathroom Scale.”
The New England Patriots played the Houston Texans. For the Texans, it was the biggest game of the year. For the Patriots, it was a short layover in Houston on the way to the Super Bowl.
The Houston Texans have one of the biggest JumboTrons in the NFL. Even crazier, they bought it on Black Friday for a hundred bucks.
It’s officially the holiday season and everyone is in the spirit—even the Jets gift-wrapped the Bengals their first win of the season.
The winless Cincinnati Bengals played the New York Jets. When fans in Cincinnati yelled, “You suck!” both teams were like, “Wait—are you yelling at us, or at them?”
Ever since a black cat ran onto the field during Monday Night Football a month ago, teams with “cat” names were 0 and 12 heading into today. And this only proves...that there’s a stat guy who definitely didn’t bring a date home for Thanksgiving.
The Giants hosted the Green Bay Packers for a game in the snow in New Jersey. You could tell it was cold when both quarterbacks had their hands under the centers’ butt even during the commercials.
The weather was brutal today with snow, ice and rain slowing down one of the busiest travel days of the year. Flight delays ranged between one hour and “The Irishman” on Netflix.
I read that about 30 million people flew for Thanksgiving. It sounds like a lot until you realize 50 million booked tickets.
The day before Thanksgiving, a woman actually gave birth on an American Airlines flight. While it was happening, the guy next to her was like, “You know what? I will buy those headphones.”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: November 27 – December 6

Wednesday, November 27: Guests include John Boyega, Abigail Spencer and musical guest JP Saxe ft. Julia Michaels. Show 1165

Thursday, November 28: Guests include Tracy Morgan, Brian Regan and musical guest Jason Aldean. Show 1166

Friday, November 29: Guests include Kristen Bell, Judd Apatow and musical guest Danny Brown. OAD 11/12/19

**Sunday, December 1: Guests include Tiffany Haddish, Lakeith Stanfield and musical guest The Free Nationals ft. Anderson .Paak. Show 1167

Monday, December 2: Guests include John Mulaney, Karlie Kloss and musical guest Solange. Show 1168

Tuesday, December 3: Guests include a science Demo from Kevin Delaney, Felicity Jones, Tomi Adeyemi and musical guest Burna Boy. Show 1169

Wednesday, December 4: Guests include John Lithgow, Alanis Morissette and musical guest Alanis Morissette. Show 1170

Thursday, December 5: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Camila Cabello and musical guest Camila Cabello. Show 1171

**Friday, December 6: Guests include Will Ferrell, Alan Cumming and Jessica Kirson. OAD 11/21/19
These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: November 26 – December 5

Tuesday, November 26: Guests include Senator Bernie Sanders, Katherine Langford and Gary Vaynerchuk. Show 1164

Wednesday, November 27: Guests include John Boyega, Abigail Spencer and musical guest JP Saxe ft. Julia Michaels. Show 1165

Thursday, November 28: Guests include Tracy Morgan, Brian Regan and musical guest Jason Aldean. Show 1166

**Friday, November 29: Guests include Kristen Bell, Judd Apatow and musical guest Danny Brown. OAD 11/12/19

**Sunday, December 1: Guests include Tiffany Haddish, Lakeith Stanfield and musical guest the Nationals ft. Anderson .Paak. Show 1167

**Monday, December 2: Guests include John Mulaney, Karlie Kloss and musical guest Solange. Show 1168

**Tuesday, December 3: Guests include a science Demo from Kevin Delaney, Felicity Jones, Tomi Adeyemi and musical guest Burna Boy. Show 1169

**Wednesday, December 4: Guests include John Lithgow, Alanis Morissette and musical guest Alanis Morissette. Show 1170

**Thursday, December 5: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Camila Cabello and musical guest Camila Cabello. Show 1171

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' November 18 - November 22

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.18.19
It seems like there’s so much going on right now. The impeachment hearings are in full swing. There’s a Democratic debate on Wednesday. The new “Star Wars” show “The Mandalorian” has a Baby Yoda. And Taco Bell wants people to take their chicken tacos, stick them in a blender, and serve them as a bisque for Thanksgiving.
The impeachment hearings are heating up with four more witnesses testifying tomorrow. It turns out, asking a foreign leader for election help is a pretty bad idea. You know what else is a bad idea? Blending Taco Bell into a bisque.
Taco Bell says it’s perfect for Thanksgiving, but I don’t remember the Pilgrims whipping their fast food into a purée. I’d rather do anything than eat liquid Taco Bell—I’d even be willing to watch...The Democratic Debate.
Candidates face off on Wednesday, and the latest poll has the leader in Iowa as Pete Buttigieg. Yeah, Buttigieg is number one. And do you know who else is a popular lil’ cutie? Baby Yoda.
He’s everyone’s favorite new character from “The Mandalorian.” But check him out. He’s green, and he’s weak. Kinda just like a person who just ate...Taco Bell bisque.
Trump had his annual physical. There was an awkward moment when the nurse told Trump, “Mr. President, the open part of the robe should be in the back.”
A lot of people are asking questions about Trump’s health, since a trip to the doctor wasn’t on his schedule. Although, you could probably just read Trump’s schedule and see why he needed a doctor. Two breakfasts, a brunch, a lunch, a linner? What the hell is a linner?
Trump said he’s feeling great. Today he was like, “I’m the picture of health: I do 10 steps a day. I drink eight glasses of Diet Coke. And I try to get a good 7-to-8 hours of tweeting.
Everyone is still talking about the impeachment. I heard that Republicans want to call their own witnesses, but Democrats said they’re just trying to distract people from the facts. They might have a point—the first witness Republicans called was Baby Yoda.
Nancy Pelosi invited Trump to come testify personally, and Trump tweeted that he’ll, “strongly consider it.” Then Trump shook his Magic 8 Ball again and decided, “outlook not so good.”
It was just announced that the next ‘Real Housewives’ franchise is coming to Salt Lake City! And this is cool, since the show is in Utah, all the housewives will be married to the same guy.
Marie Kondo launched an online store today where you can buy candles, books, and kitchen products. Yeah, here’s how it works - first you buy the items from Marie and then six months later, she shows up at your house and makes you throw them out.
Netflix dropped Season 3 of, “The Crown.” Yeah, after a week of people going crazy for Disney+, Netflix was like, “I know how to get them back! A period drama about the English monarchy!”
T-Mobile announced that CEO John Legere will be stepping down after his contract expires in April. Good lord, even the CEO of T-Mobile can’t get out of his contract early.
Ford just unveiled its first-ever electric Mustang. It runs so quiet, you can actually hear the guy driving it whisper, “I have a small penis.” 

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.19.19
Chadwick Boseman is my guest tonight! Chadwick has been super busy. He’s promoting his new movie AND he’s been getting texts all day from Trump about fleeing to Wakanda.
Today was Day 3 of the impeachment hearings. Which means it was also the third day of Americans turning on the TV to watch Ellen and then screaming, “You gotta be kidding me!”
It was Day 3 of the impeachment hearings and it was once again on every channel. On the bright side, after 3 days, the impeachment is already one of the longer running shows on network television.
Three witnesses testified last week, four witnesses testified today and another five are scheduled for later this week. So good news, we’re just a few more people away from an all witness version of “Guess Who?”
During the testimony, there was a lighter moment when Vindman joked that he speaks Russian, Ukrainian, and “a little bit of English.” Then Trump was like, “OMG, me too!”
Of course the other big political story is that the hashtag #fartgate was trending yesterday, after people thought Representative Eric Swalwell may have “passed gas” on live TV. I guess we finally know who the whistleblower is.
Hackers have stolen thousands of Disney+ customers information. I don’t know what’s worse, that my hackers have my account info or that they know I watched Beverly Hills Chihuahua three times on Monday.
Macy’s announced that customers who shopped on their website last month may have had their credit card information stolen. Right now, J.C. Penney is like, “Haha! That’s what you get for having a website and customers.”
I saw that in China, you may soon be able to pay for items by just having your face scanned. Though it's gonna be a bummer when people hear, "Sorry but your face has been declined."
Two raccoons fell through a ceiling of a CVS store here in New York and started wandering the aisles. Luckily, the store manager was able to lasso them with a long receipt.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.20.19
What a special night it is! Our entire audience is made of people Gordon Sondland implicated in the Ukraine scandal!
I don’t wanna say things are bad for Trump, but right now, not even Baby Yoda could cheer that guy up.
We heard testimony from Ambassador Gordon Sondland who directly implicated Trump in the Ukraine scandal. You can tell it was bad for Trump, cuz he did something he NEVER does—he turned off the TV.
Ambassador Sondland basically implicated Trump, Rudy Giuliani and most of his cabinet. At that point, Trump grabbed his chest and said, “I think I’m ready for phase 2 of my physical!”
Seriously, Sondland named ALL of them. He was basically the Oprah of witnesses like, “You’re going to jail! You’re going to jail! You’re going to jail!”
Some of you may recognize him from his famous line in The Princess Bride when he said, “Inconceivable!”
The quid pro quo is really bad news for Trump—mostly cuz now he has to learn Latin words. “I barely know English!”
Mike Pence was on the phone like, “Could you send someone to move all my stuff into the Oval Office.”
Then, Pence was back on the phone like, "Umm, on second thought, you can cancel that last request.”
People were calling Sondland’s testimony “explosive.” I haven’t heard the word “explosive” so much since Chipotle started selling queso.
After Sondland noted many times in his opening statements there was a quid pro quo, there was a brief recess. You can see the disappointment in Devin Nunes’ face. The last time Nunes made that face was when Chili’s told him it was gonna be a 40 minute wait.
On NBC, Chuck Todd said the Democrats were doing a great job building their case “brick by brick.” So it sounds like the Democrats are gonna get their wall before Trump.
I’m not saying Trump is in trouble, but Vladimir Putin spent the day thinking, “We better find new candidate for 2020.”
Trump actually watched the rest of the hearings while flying on Air Force One. I’m not saying Trump is worried, but at one point during the flight he opened the door to get some air.
Trump toured Apple’s manufacturing facility in Texas with Apple CEO, Tim Cook. Previously, Trump called Apple CEO, Tim Cook, "Tim Apple"—but, to his credit, Trump didn't make the same mistake this time—he called him, "Tim Computer."
I’m not sure Trump’s mind was in the right place at the Apple facility. At one point he started swallowing a bunch of pills until someone said, “Sir, those are Air Pods.”
Earlier tonight was the fifth Democratic debate. Going into it, Biden was in first and Warren was in second, but after what happened today, the new Democratic favorite is Gordon Sondland.
Tonight’s debate was hosted by MSNBC and the Washington Post. I guess they tried to get the two things Trump hates the most but Eric and Don Jr. were busy.
The Grammy nominations were announced today! And I saw that Lizzo led everyone with eight nominations! Which feels right since, “Truth Hurts” definitely seems to be the theme of the day.
There’s a new male birth control about to go on the market, but it involves men getting an injection into their...groin. Meanwhile, women are like, “Aww...try childbirth.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.21.19
Last night was the fifth Democratic Presidential debate. Because after a full week of impeachment hearings, what better way to relax than watching 10 Democrats yell at each other.
I think I’m watching way too much news. Last night I listened to Rachel Maddow talk for an hour and then I realized my TV wasn’t even on.
Pete Buttigieg tried to separate himself from the field by claiming he was the least wealthy person on stage. Then he added, “But that could change after my parents give me my allowance.”
Joe Biden had some pretty big blunders on issues of race and domestic violence. Or as Biden’s campaign is calling it: a pretty average night.
While talking about domestic violence, Biden said we need to “keep punching at it and punching at it.” At that point, even Trump was like, “Why did I even call Ukraine! He’s doing it to himself!”
Biden also caught heat for saying that he quote, “came out of the black community." When she heard, Rachel Dolezal was like, “Well, he has my vote!”
Bernie Sanders picked up a huge endorsement from Ariana Grande. When asked how he got her support, Bernie said, “I see it, I like it, I want it, I got it!”
The MTA purposely flooded a New York City subway station to test it’s anti-flood system. When they saw, New Yorkers were like, “At least its water this time.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.22.19
My guest tonight is John Legend! John has won an Oscar! A Tony! An Emmy! A Grammy! And he was just named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive! Even more impressive—his Uber passenger rating is SIX!
I want to wish everyone a happy Friday! If you think you're relieved this week's over, imagine how the president feels.
What a week! We had impeachment hearings. We had a Democratic debate. Ariana Grande endorsed Bernie Sanders. And yet, all anybody will remember is that someone farted on MSNBC.
It was a brutal week for the President Trump. Witness after witness testified against him. I don’t want to say it was a disaster, but even Prince Andrew was like, “How ya holding up, buddy?”
I’m not saying Trump was in bad shape, but even Don Jr. was like, “We’re gonna do Thanksgiving at Boston Market this year.”
We are one week away from Black Friday! It’s that yearly tradition of people lining up outside department stores for hours and then realizing they can buy it all from home on Cyber Monday.
Victoria’s Secret has officially cancelled their Fashion Show. Or as one guy put it, “Oh my god, this week CAN get worse!”
‘Property Brothers’ are starting a magazine. They plan on handling the magazine just like their show: one brother will create the entire thing and the other will do nothing in a suit.
A new study found that teenage elephants are like human teenagers—they make a lot of mistakes, they’re stubborn, and they take risks. In response, teen elephants sucked on a vape and said, “You don’t know me!”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: November 22 – 28

Friday, November 22: Guests include John Legend, M. Night Shyamalan and musical guest John Legend. Show 1162

Monday, November 25: Guests include Daisy Ridley, Tom Hiddleston, Michael Eric Dyson and musical guest Noah Cyrus & Leon Bridges. Show 1163

Tuesday, November 26: Guests include Senator Bernie Sanders, Katherine Langford and Gary Vaynerchuk. Show 1164

**Wednesday, November 27: Guests include John Boyega, Abigail Spencer and musical guest JP Saxe ft. Julia Michaels. Show 1165

**Thursday, November 28: Guests include Tracy Morgan, Brian Regan and musical guest Jason Aldean. Show 1166

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: November 19 – 26

Tuesday, November 19: Guests include Chadwick Boseman, Evan Rachel Wood, David Byrne and musical guest David Byrne’s American Utopia. Show 1159

Wednesday, November 20: Guests include Dolly Parton, Kacey Musgraves and musical guest Kacey Musgraves. Show 1160

Thursday, November 21: Guests include Will Ferrell, Alan Cumming and Jessica Kirson. Show 1161

Friday, November 22: Guests include John Legend, M. Night Shyamalan and musical guest John Legend. Show 1162

**Monday, November 25: Guests include Daisy Ridley, Tom Hiddleston, Michael Eric Dyson and musical guest Noah Cyrus & Leon Bridges. Show 1163

**Tuesday, November 26: Guests include Senator Bernie Sanders, Katherine Langford and Gary Vaynerchuk. Show 1164

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' November 11 - November 15

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.11.19
It’s Veterans Day, and tonight our entire audience is made up of military veterans and military families! So right now, I’m gonna say something to you that I never say to AT&T: thank you for your service.
Not only is our audience tonight made up of U.S. Military veterans, but the entire back row is filled with current service men and women who are just sobering up from Fleet Week.
Thank you all for being here. And I thank you all for the sacrifices you have made fighting overseas while we’re at home fighting over Popeye’s chicken sandwiches.
Seriously, you guys are so much tougher than me. I’m not kidding, I can’t even get through ten minutes of Call Of Duty without a 15 year old making me cry.
I saw that there were a lot of Veterans Day shopping deals. For instance, Chipotle offered veterans “buy one, get one free” burritos. That’s right TWO Chipotle burritos. Even people who made it through Navy SEAL training were like, “I can’t handle that type of action...I feel a dishonorable discharge coming on...”
Lots of businesses were closed for Veterans Day. All banks were closed, the post office was closed, Sears was closed, although that had nothing to do with Veterans Day.
I’m so glad all of you are here. I have to say, after three months of watching the Jets and Giants, it’s nice to finally be able to clap for people in uniform.
Today was the 100th annual Veteran’s Day Parade in New York City, and President Trump attended. But I think he was a little confused. Cuz the entire time he kept asking, “Where’s the Snoopy balloon?”
Trump was actually gonna march in the parade, but at the last minute, he said his bone spurs were bothering him.
It was really nice of the president to show up for our veterans. He got up and said, “I love vets. Without them, who would take care of our pets when they get sick?”
I wanna say congrats to Sesame Street for turning 50 years old! You can tell some of the Sesame Street characters are getting older, cuz Cookie Monster now shouts, “Me want Belvita Biscuit to keep self regular.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.12.19
Most of the country was hit with snow, ice and record low temperatures. Yeah, millions of Americans woke up this morning like, “Damn, this promotion for ‘Frozen 2’ is nuts!”
Almost 70 percent of the country got hit with an “arctic blast.” You know it’s cold when they start describing the weather with flavors of Dentyne gum.
It was so cold, President Trump stayed warm by burning copies of Don Jr.’s new book.
It was so cold, Mitch McConnell’s chins were chattering all day long.
It’s a good day to be inside cuz the new Disney streaming service launched today! Yep, Disney+ is available and it features almost 500 movies. 500 movies or as Samuel L. Jackson calls it, “One year of work.”
Disney+ started streaming at 12:01am and suffered a few “technical problems.” When he heard about streaming problems at midnight, Bernie Sanders was like, “Been there, doing THAT!”
Disney+ is pretty amazing. It features all the movies from Marvel, Star Wars and Pixar. And just to compete with Netflix, it also features a thousand stand-up specials from Disney characters you’ve never heard of.
Experts think Disney+ could be the biggest threat to Netflix yet. Yeah, right now both streaming services are racing to see who can raise the price a dollar each month without you noticing.
You can tell Netflix is worried -- instead of asking, “Are you still watching?” now it says, “And where the hell do you think you’re going?
Disney+ has so much content to choose from. They’ve got Disney, Pixar, Marvel, Star Wars, and National Geographic. Everyone was like, “Wait, how did National Geographic wind up sitting with all the cool kids?”
That’s like a concert ad that says, “Come see John, Paul, George, and...National Geographic!”
People are really excited about Disney+. In fact, Disney+ is the White House’s only plan to distract Trump from the impeachment hearings.
Republicans have a memo that outlines their four strategies to defend Trump. We actually got a copy, and it just says “Pull the fire alarm” then “Repeat” three times.
To counter what people see on TV, I heard that Rudy Giuliani might launch his own podcast that would provide analysis of the impeachment hearings. The podcast doesn’t have a name yet although prosecutors are already calling it: “Exhibit A.”
I can’t wait for Rudy’s podcast. It’ll be fun to hear him rant against the Democrats, and then take a 30 second break to read an ad for Casper Mattresses.
I heard that Instagram might get rid of “likes” as soon as this week. Yeah, no more likes. In response, people immediately stopped running marathons and having babies.
I read that weed may soon be legal in New Jersey. It’s pretty simple. You smoke weed in New Jersey, then you ACTUALLY fuggedaboutit.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.13.19
You could tell it was World Kindness Day cuz all day long, New Yorkers were like, “No please, YOU take the wet subway seat.” “Screw me? No sir, screw you!”
The bad news today is that the country is still dealing with this arctic blast, it was freezing outside. Seriously, “Frozen 2” isn’t just the name of a movie—it’s also a nickname for my nipples.
It was also freezing down in Washington D.C. It was so cold, during today’s impeachment hearing, Democrats and Republicans put aside their differences and spooned each other for warmth.
Today was the first public impeachment hearing, but apparently Trump didn’t watch. Trump wanted to, but he threw his TV remote out the window when he wasn't named People Magazine's Sexiest Man of the Year.
It was such a tense day in Washington, emotional support dogs were actually brought in to help members of Congress deal with the stress. If you think you had a rough day, think about the dog that had to spend 12-hours cuddling with Mitch McConnell.
A lot of bars in D.C. opened up at 9am so people could watch the hearing and drink. Yeah, drinking all morning on a workday—or as White House staffers call that, “every day.”
Bill Taylor’s testimony was brutal for Trump—he clearly outlined how the president tried to get Ukraine to investigate Biden in exchange for aid. Which means it’s the second time in Trump’s life that his cover-up didn’t work.
Pete Buttigieg is now leading the polls in Iowa! Pete’s very proud. He’s been walking around like he’s 5-feet tall.
Hillary Clinton is in the news. In a new interview she said, “many, many, many people” are urging her to run in 2020. When asked to name them she said, “Pinot, Zinfandel, Cabernet and Sauvignon Blanc

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.14.19
Donald Trump Jr.’s, new book is now #1 on The New York Times Best Seller List. When he heard, President Trump was like, “You lost me at New York Times and lost me again at Don Jr.”
I’m just kidding, Trump was actually pretty excited for Don Jr. He even tweeted: “Wow! Was just told that my son’s book, “Triggered,” is #1 on The New York Times Bestseller List. Congratulations Don!”
Yeah, it was a pretty special moment for Don Jr., until a few minutes later when Trump tweeted: “JUST GOT HACKED! IGNORE LAST TWEET!”
The impeachment hearings continue, and we'll hear from Marie Yovanovitch, the Ambassador to Ukraine that Trump fired. I’m a little worried cuz if every person Trump’s ever fired is gonna testify, the impeachment will last FOREVER.
All the regular daytime TV shows will be preempted again for the impeachment hearing. But to keep viewers happy, they’re getting the “Price is Right” announcer to tell the witnesses to, “come on down!”
ANOTHER eight witnesses are gonna testify next week. Just a word of advice to the Democrats—if you pre-empt another five episodes of “The Kelly Clarkson Show,” NO ONE is gonna support you.
I saw that Netflix and Nickelodeon are teaming up to make movies and TV shows for kids. Yeah, right now Netflix is competing with Disney to make sure your kids never go outside again.
Apple just announced that they’re launching their most powerful laptop ever, the new Mac Pro, at a cost of 6,000 dollars. 6,000 dollars for something hot to sit on your lap, or as most guys call that—a bachelor party.
The world’s largest Starbucks opens tomorrow in Chicago. This place is huge. It’s 35,000 square feet, it’s five stories high, and best of all—it’s got TWO outlets.
It’s a Starbucks that’s five stories high. I think I know how this happened. When the builder said, “What size do you want?” the Starbucks people were like, “tall.”
That Starbucks is massive. I’ll give you an idea, when you ask for the bathroom key, it’s attached to a car door.
I saw that food brands Post and Hostess are teaming up to make a Twinkie cereal. That story again: Post and Hostess are teaming up to give stoners diabetes.
Alex Rodriguez is my guest tonight! He’s here promoting his show called, “Back In The Game,” which is about helping athletes manage their finances.
A-Rod has some really good financial advice. He tells people, “It helps to save, it helps to invest, and it helps to marry an actress worth half a billion dollars.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.15.19
My guest tonight is Celine Dion! Celine has played giant arenas, small venues, and a residency in Vegas – the only place that won’t book her is a cruise ship.
Of course, Celine sang the theme song for “Titanic.” Which is now also the theme song for Trump’s Presidency.
The impeachment hearings are in full swing and next week, we’ll hear testimony from Jennifer Williams, an aide to Mike Pence. Right now, Jennifer is like, “If you think the hearings are boring, try being an aide to Mike Pence.” (PENCE) “Jennifer! Are these pleated khakis too risqué?”
You guys know the phrase “Netflix and Chill?” Well for Disney Plus, apparently people are saying, “Disney Plus and Thrust.” Well, NBC’s streaming service is called “Peacock” – so, they miiiight wanna change that soon.
Well, the big movie this weekend is “Ford vs. Ferrari” starring Matt Damon and Christian Bale. It’s supposed to do much better at the box office than today’s other release: “Hyundai vs. Kia.”
A new poster for the upcoming season of The Bachelor was just released and the slogan for this season is “Expect Turbulence.” When they saw, Spirit Airlines was like, “Hey! Get your own damn slogan!”
According to a new study, 50-percent of people don’t change their underwear every day. Yeah, HALF. So if you change yours every day, that’s great, but odds are, the person who sat in your seat last night didn’t.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: November 15 – 22

Friday, November 15: Guests include Celine Dion, Tig Notaro, Colin O’Brady and Shin Lim. Show 1157

Monday, November 18: Guests include Seth Meyers, Cobie Smulders and musical guest Tones & I. Show 1158 

Tuesday, November 19: Guests include Chadwick Boseman, Evan Rachel Wood, David Byrne and musical guest David Byrne’s American Utopia. Show 1159

Wednesday, November 20: Guests include Dolly Parton, Kacey Musgraves and musical guest Kacey Musgraves. Show 1160

**Thursday, November 21: Guests include Will Ferrell, Alan Cumming and Jessica Kirson. Show 1161

**Friday, November 22: Guests include John Legend, M. Night Shyamalan and musical guest John Legend. Show 1162

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: November 13 – 20

Wednesday, November 13: Guests include Rachel Maddow, Tony Hale and musical guest Dominic Fike. Show 1155

Thursday, November 14: Guests include Alex Rodriguez, Lili Reinhart and Ian Lara. Show 1156

Friday, November 15: Guests include Celine Dion, Tig Notaro, Colin O’Brady and Shin Lim. Show 1157

**Monday, November 18: Guests include Seth Meyers, Cobie Smulders and musical guest Tones & I. Show 1158 

**Tuesday, November 19: Guests include Chadwick Boseman, Evan Rachel Wood, David Byrne and musical guest David Byrne’s American Utopia. Show 1159

**Wednesday, November 20: Guests include Dolly Parton, Kacey Musgraves and musical guest Kacey Musgraves. Show 1160

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' November 4 - November 7

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.4.19
My guest tonight is Chris Evans! And right now, even Chris Pine, Chris Hemsworth, and Chris Pratt are like, “Wait – which one is he again??”
I wanna say congrats to the 50,000 runners who finished yesterday’s New York City marathon! I love the marathon. It’s the one day of the year you can rub Vaseline on your nipples in public and not get arrested.
I can’t imagine the excitement of finishing a marathon. I get excited when I’m out running errands and accidentally get 10,000 steps.
The men and women’s marathon were both won by runners from Kenya. Which means Kenya is probably home to the world’s best marathon runners and the world’s most annoying Instagram accounts.
The winning time in the men and women’s race was just over two hours. Or as that’s known to everyone who DIDN’T RUN on Sunday – roughly 7 episodes of “Friends.”
This weekend was the end of Daylight Saving Time so we all gained an extra hour. Which is just what you want when your kids are home with a pillowcase full of Halloween candy.
Thanks to the end of Daylight Saving Time, Americans picked up one more hour of sleep and one more hour to boo Trump at a sporting event.
Over the weekend, Trump attended a UFC fight at Madison Square Garden, and we was greeted with a mix of cheers and some boos. Yeah, half cheered and half booed. Trump was like, “Wow, this reminds me of my wedding day.”
Trump was greeted with a mix of cheers and boos. Bill de Blasio heard the reaction and was like, “Please - I’ll take that ANY day of the week.”
Trump doesn’t seem thrilled with New York. In fact, it just came out that he’s changing his legal residence from New York to Florida. It’s all part of Trump’s plan to gradually flee to South America.
It came out that during the Halloween party at the White House, kids were asked to help “Build the Wall,” with red paper bricks with their names. So far, that’s the only part of Trump’s wall that’s been built.
Beto O’Rourke has dropped out of the presidential race. I could tell you’re torn, yeah. At one point he was super trendy, polling in the top three, and now it’s all over. Even e-cigarettes were like, “Geez, what the hell happened?”
Beto is out of the race. When he heard, Bernie Sanders was like, “I guess that makes me the Democrats’ hot young beefcake!”
Facebook announced that its rebranding, with a new logo that’s in all caps. Yeah, cuz that was everyone’s biggest complaint with Facebook—the logo.
It seems like Facebook is rebranding. You can tell they’re desperate for approval cuz their new mascot is a Popeye’s chicken sandwich.
Papa John’s is introducing a new crust for the first time in 35 years that’s garlic Parmesan. Really? The crust? That’s it? That’s like Spirit Airlines announcing they’ve removed all the ashtrays from their arm rests. 

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.5.19
Earlier tonight, ABC aired “The Little Mermaid Live!”. The production started off as “Frozen,” but thanks to Global Warming they had to change it to “The Little Mermaid.”
The New York Times just did a big story about the president’s Twitter and it found that Trump has sent over 2,000 tweets where he bragged about himself. Americans were like, “That’s ridiculous—everybody knows Instagram is where you brag about yourself.”
I saw that Donald Trump Jr.’s new book is out today. It’s called, “Triggered: How the Left Thrives on Hate and Wants to Silence Us.” If you go to Barnes & Noble, it can be found in the “Ignored Children’s” section.
I feel bad for Don Jr. Today he walked into the White House and said, “Dad, I have a new book!” and Trump was like, “Oh no...I, uhhh, LOST my reading glasses.”
A new poll in Iowa shows Elizabeth Warren in first, Bernie Sanders in second, Pete Buttigieg in third, and Joe Biden in fourth. Of course, Iowa’s a tough place for Biden -- for starters, all the corn is terrified of his teeth.
I saw that the McDonald's Happy Meal is turning 40. So, now that it's 40, instead of being a "Happy Meal," it's more of a "Self-Reflective, What Does It All Mean" Meal.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.6.19
We’ve got magic from Dan White! Dan’s been busy lately—he keeps getting calls from one guy saying, “Can you make the impeachment inquiry disappear?”
The 2020 election is less than a year away! So one year from today either Democrats or Republicans will claim that they’re moving to Canada, then just continue to go about their lives.
MSNBC and the Washington Post are hosting the next Democratic debate at Tyler Perry Studios in Atlanta. And this is cool. Every Democrat will be played by Tyler Perry.
I read that President Trump banished The New York Times and the Washington Post from the White House, but he still has the apps on his phone. Which isn’t surprising, considering he’s been married to Melania for almost 20 years and he still has Tinder.
The big movie opening this weekend is “Doctor Sleep” which is based on a Stephen King novel and a sequel to “The Shining.” I was a little confused—at first I thought Doctor Sleep was a biopic about Ben Carson.

Google is buying Fitbit for 2 billion dollars. It's not a done deal yet…Google said it still needs to workout the next 10,000 steps.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.7.19
I’m so happy to be here in Austin! I’ve done it all! I came. I saw. I got into a scooter accident.
I’m so pumped to bring the Tonight Show to UT! Because if you saw my grades in high school, you’d know this is the only way I was getting into UT.
We have 3,000 students in the house tonight! You guys are the best—so many people wanted to come, we had to do a lottery for tickets. But if you wanted to come somewhere that’s easy to get into, y’all would be at Texas A&M right now.
By the way, I like my jacket. I like this frill. I wanted to look like Johnny Cash, but instead I look like Woody from Toy Story going through a goth phase.
One of the best parts about UT has to be the live Longhorn mascot, Bevo. He’s a real, live steer. That’s the 15th Bevo in UT history. And if you wanna know happened to the other 14...Franklin BBQ. Located at 900 East 11th Street, Austin, Texas 78702...would we steer you in the wrong direction?
I’ve had the best time here. This week felt just like my time in college. I didn’t go to class, I don’t know any girls, and I’ll be gone before graduation.

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' October 28 - October 31

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.28.19
I feel the love! I feel the complete opposite of Trump at last night’s World Series.
President Trump and the First Lady went to the World Series in Washington, and when they showed them on the jumbotron, the crowd didn’t seem thrilled. Then Trump turned to Melania and was like, “Wow, they REALLY don’t like you.”
Trump is doing everything he can to spin it. At first he was like, “They weren’t booing, they were chanting, “Ruuuuuuudy Giuliani.”
Trump said, “Actually, they were chanting, “Uuuuuuuuuukraine call was perfect!”
After all the booing, things really got ugly. At one point, fans started chanting “Lock Him Up!” Some people thought heckling Trump was disrespectful. Then every outfielder who’s ever played in New York, Boston or Philly was like, “Toughen up, buttercup. I’m getting hit with D-cell batteries for nine innings.”
In the upper deck, fans hung a giant banner that said, “Impeach Trump!” Finally, enough security showed up and they were able to take down the banner and remove Hillary from the stadium.
It was a whirlwind day for Trump. At 9AM, he announced we took out the leader of ISIS and by 9PM he announced we’re taking out the guy in charge of the jumbotron.
Joe Biden appeared on “60 Minutes” for a sit down interview with Norah O’Donnell. It was a good interview. At one point Biden said that the reason President Obama hasn’t endorsed him is because he asked him not to. It’s like a middle schooler saying, “I do have a girlfriend, I just asked her NOT to come to the dance with me! She lives in Canada!”
I heard that Lyft is offering people free rides if they're going to a job interview. That way you can text your interviewer, “I’ll be there in 5 minutes. Wait, 6. Sorry, 15. I gotta reschedule.”
For the 2020 Olympics, Toyota is launching new “driverless taxis,” but they will still have a driver inside the car. Yeah, it’s perfect for anyone who wants their driver to solely focus on forced conversation.
A new study found that White Claw gets you drunk faster than other drinks, and leaves less of a hangover. Yeah, the study was done by a team of researchers known as “The Real Housewives.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.29.19
Halloween is just two days away and NASA says the Hubble telescope just spotted a pair of galaxies that look like a “spooky face.” Take a look at this. They’ve already come up with a name for the formation: Rudy Giuliani.
An army officer gave firsthand testimony about Trump’s call with Ukraine. The officer’s name is Lieutenant Colonel Alexander Vindman, and he’s an Iraq War veteran, he has a Purple Heart, and he has a Harvard degree. Or as Trump put it, “Psh, who are you gonna believe, him or me?”
In his testimony, Vindman confirmed the whistleblower’s report, and now a lot of people think the walls are starting to close in on Trump. In response, Trump was like, “How could you do this to me, walls?! After all we’ve been through?!”
Trump is expected to headline a Republican fundraiser at Disney World in December. Yeah, the plan is for Trump to visit the Hall of Presidents, switch places with his robot and let HIM get impeached.
Trump is going to Disney World. He’s even expected to go to Epcot, and ask every country for dirt on Joe Biden.
Trump’s going to go from getting booed at the World Series to getting booed by Donald Duck.
I saw that Walgreens is opening 100 Jenny Craig outlets inside their stores. That’s pretty cruel. Making people walk though an aisle full of Halloween candy before going into a Jenny Craig.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.30.19
Emilia Clarke is my guest tonight! Of course you know her from Game of Thrones, where she played "Queen Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, The Breaker of Chains and The Mother of Dragons." And, now she can be seen in her new movie Last Christmas playing "Kate." So, she might be getting typecast...
Speaking of Game of Thrones, HBO just announced that they’re working on a prequel that’s set 300 years before the original. HBO promises it’ll be just as action-packed and twice as awkward to watch with your siblings.
Today is “National Candy Corn Day!” And here’s a little tip -- if you’re hosting a Halloween party and think you might run out of candy corn, don’t worry - you won’t.
President Trump is coming to New York this weekend to go to a UFC match at Madison Square Garden. Trump said he’s excited to see how many different sporting events he can get booed at.
Trump is attending a UFC fight, and this is interesting, the winner will be named champion and the loser will be named Trump’s next Chief of Staff.
Trump’s approval rating is at just 41 percent. But his staff is spinning it. They’re like “It’s not a ‘low’ approval rating. It’s just ‘fun-sized.’”
USA Today just released a poll that found only 54 percent of Americans think our country is ready for a vegan president. Yeah, maybe that would be a little weird. I don’t know if anybody wants to see the president pardon the “Thanksgiving Tofurkey.”
I saw that John Legend and Kelly Clarkson are releasing a version of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” that’s “less creepy” than the original. It’s a pretty short song. Kelly says, “I really can’t stay,” and John says, “Okay. I’ll call you an Uber.”
3.9 billion dollar terminal just opened at LaGuardia Airport. It’s so much nicer -- now all the rats wear little bow ties.
The FDA says they want bigger calorie labels on snacks sold in vending machines, so people can make healthier eating choices. Although, I think the healthiest diet choice you can make is not eating food from a vending machine.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.31.19
Kristen Stewart is my guest tonight! She stars in the new movie “Charlie’s Angels!” Charlie’s Angels is expected to be the biggest female reboot until Elizabeth Warren gets elected in 2020.
According to Google, this year’s most popular Halloween costume is Pennywise the Clown from “It.” The least popular Halloween costume, once again, is “Sexy Rudy Giuliani.”
The company that makes M&M’s, Snickers and Twix starts preparing for Halloween two years in advance. Meanwhile, the company that makes Necco Wafers made one batch 50 years ago and has been selling them ever since.
This week, Twitter announced that it’s banning all political ads. Phew! This is great news. Now Twitter can just be the wholesome, family-friendly social media platform that it’s always been.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: October 30 – November 7

Wednesday, October 30: Guests include Emilia Clarke, Bobby Cannavale, Booker T. Jones and musical guest FKA Twigs. Show 1147

Thursday, October 31: Guests include Kristen Stewart, Gaten Matarazzo and Pete Lee. Show 1148

**Friday, November 1: Guests include Edward Norton, Alessia Cara and musical guest Alessia Cara. OAD 10/6/19

Monday, November 4: Guests include Chris Evans, Naomi Scott and musical guest EarthGang. Show 1149

Tuesday, November 5: Guests include Adam Sandler, Jenny Slate and Megan Gailey. Show 1150

**Wednesday, November 6: Guests include Henry Golding, Noomi Rapace and Dan White. Show 1151

**Thursday, November 7: From University of Texas at Austin guests include Matthew McConaughey, Chip and Joanna Gaines and musical guest Gucci Mane. Show 1152

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: October 29 – November 5

Tuesday, October 29: Guests include Reese Witherspoon, Rhett & Link and Daniel Humm. Show 1146

Wednesday, October 30: Guests include Emilia Clarke, Bobby Cannavale, Booker T. Jones and musical guest FKA Twigs. Show 1147

Thursday, October 31: Guests include Kristen Stewart, Gaten Matarazzo and Pete Lee. Show 1148
Friday, November 1: Repeat TBD

Monday, November 4: Guests include Chris Evans, Naomi Scott and musical guest EarthGang. Show 1149

**Tuesday, November 5: Guests include Adam Sandler, Jenny Slate and Megan Gailey. Show 1150
These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: October 28 – November 4

Monday, October 28: Guests include Emma Thompson, Joel Kinnaman and musical guest Liam Gallagher. Show 1145 

**Tuesday, October 29: Guests include Reese Witherspoon, Rhett & Link and Daniel Humm. Show 1146

Wednesday, October 30: Guests include Emilia Clarke, Bobby Cannavale, Booker T. Jones and musical guest FKA Twigs. Show 1147

Thursday, October 31: Guests include Kristen Stewart, Gaten Matarazzo and Pete Lee. Show 1148

**Friday, November 1: Repeat TBD

**Monday, November 4: Guests include Chris Evans, Naomi Scott and musical guest EarthGang. Show 1149

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' October 20 - October 27

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.20.19
I’m not saying Trump’s presidency is in rough shape, but right now, Alec is backstage working on his Mike Pence impression.
The Eagles took on the Cowboys at AT&T stadium. Both teams loved playing there, cuz whenever something got dropped, they could just blame AT&T.
The Cowboys played the Eagles in a heated division rivalry. Of course, the Eagles’ motto is “Fly Eagles Fly”...which is definitely better than The New York Jets’ motto “Trade Me Jets, Trade Me.”
At an NFL meeting, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones reportedly argued for more leniency on NFL marijuana rules. And then right after, he was like “You know what’s funny, man -- untoasted pop-tarts are better than toasted pop-tarts. But, you gotta get the kind with the frosting.”
The big NFL news happened on Thursday, when Kansas City’s MVP quarterback Patrick Mahomes dislocated his knee and could be out for awhile. I’m not sure what’s more shocking - Patrick Mahomes’ knee fell apart, or that his coach Andy Reid’s knees are still intact.
In the future, NFL owners wanna make the season longer by adding a 17th game. In response, Miami Dolphins fans were like, “Dear God, haven’t we suffered enough?!
Weekends are for two things: football and endless tweets from the president. Trump made some news on Twitter today when he quoted his Defense Secretary, Mark Esper. But he accidentally called him...“Mark Esperanto.” A staffer was like, “Do you wanna edit the tweet?” And Trump was like, “Nah, just fire him and hire a guy named “Mark Esperanto.”
Mark Esperanto sounds like the evil villain on a Telemundo soap opera.
Showtime just announced they’re making a new TV series all about the founding of Uber. It sounds good, but as soon as they ordered it, the show drove right past their offices. I think I just saw you, did you just pass us? Now it’s saying your show is ten minutes away.
Someone on Twitter posted a video of a New York City cockroach carrying a cigarette into a storm drain. It’s sad, six months ago, that cockroach took a bus from Iowa with dreams of making it on Broadway and now this.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.21.19
We also have Mayor Pete Buttigeig! It wasn’t easy getting Mayor Pete here. First we had to work around his crazy campaign schedule and then we needed his parents to sign the permission slip.
According to a new poll out today, Mayor Pete is surging in Iowa! He just passed Bernie Sanders, is now right behind Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren, and the thing that sets him apart from those three is that he actually knows how to find that poll on a smartphone.
Actually, Mayor Pete actually has something a lot of the other candidates don’t – his original teeth.
He’s really caught on in Iowa. Mostly cuz voters think he’s the only candidate young enough to find his way out of a corn maze.
I actually saw Mayor Pete backstage, and said, “It’s nice to see you,” and he was like, “YOU GOTTA SPEAK UP, I STOOD BY BERNIE SANDERS AT THE LAST DEBATE! MY EARS ARE SHOT!”
It just came out that Mitt Romney has been using a secret Twitter account where he supported himself and criticized President Trump. And he goes by the name...“Pierre Delecto.”
Pierre Delecto -- it sounds like an evil chef at Au Bon Pain.
Romney’s been running the account since 2011. Yeah, Pierre Delecto is eight years-old and loves Twitter -- he’s just like the president.
The FDA just announced that over 95 percent of baby food they tested had traces of metal in it. But on the bright side, your Mom wasn’t lying when she said, “Here comes the airplane!”
The Vatican just announced they’re selling a new bluetooth-enabled rosary that will let users track their prayers. It’s just like a Fitbit, except you feel wayyy more guilty for missing your goals.
Airbnb is renting out a real-life Barbie dreamhouse in Malibu. That’s how you know the economy’s in trouble -- Barbie’s got like 400 jobs and she still has to rent out her place on Airbnb.
The New York Jets played the New England Patriots. This was interesting. To make things fair, Tom Brady played the entire game with his helmet on backwards.
Some people in Sweden are getting microchips implanted in their hands to use as a credit card. Although it’s kind of rough when your card gets rejected and the cashier cuts up your hand.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.22.19
Tonight was Game 1 of the World Series, between the Houston Astros and the Washington Nationals. And this is nice -- even though their team’s not in it, Yankee fans promised to boo whoever wins.
ABC aired the classic Halloween special, "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.” They actually updated it a bit. At the end of this version, the Great Pumpkin gets impeached.
The impeachment inquiry is in full swing, and I heard that today actually marks its one month anniversary. When he heard, Trump was like, “I can’t believe nobody got me a present! Not even a card from Pierre Delecto?”
Democrats say the impeachment might take longer than expected cuz each witness keeps providing even MORE leads. So basically, Trump's legal strategy is, commit so many crimes they can never finish the investigation. “They’re almost done? Okay, tell Don Jr. to rob a bank.”
The top official from the US Embassy in Ukraine testified, and one Congressman called it his “most disturbing day in Congress.” And that’s counting the day Mitch McConnell walked out of the sauna without a towel.
A new report claims Vladimir Putin is the one who convinced Trump that Ukraine was corrupt. You can tell Putin has a lot of influence over Trump, cuz he also convinced him to trade all his Halloween Milky Ways for a roll of Necco Wafers.
In a new interview, Trump said he doesn’t want copies of the New York Times or the Washington Post in the White House. Yeah, Trump only keeps one newspaper in the White House and he uses it to train Rudy Giuliani. “Bad, Rudy! Go to your crate!”
Trump apparently retweeted an account called—this real, “DJTrumpsButt.” When I saw it, my first thought was, “Wow, Mitt Romney really likes coming up with new Twitter accounts.”
Snoop Dogg celebrated his 48th birthday, and received a bouquet of 48 joints. Although, what he was really hoping for was an “Edibles Arrangement.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.23.19
Millions of Americans are buying candy for trick-or-treaters -- which they’ll re-buy in six days after they polish it off themselves.
Halloween is on a weekday this year. Parents are like, “You mean I get to work a full day AND walk around for hours in the cold darkness?!”
I love Halloween. There are so many fun costumes, like “Sexy Nurse,” “Sexy Cop,” “Sexy Indicted Trump Staffer.”
If you’re still looking for a costume, look no further. This year, you can actually dress up as a “sexy, sold-out, Popeye’s chicken sandwich.” Most people called it ridiculous, while the president called the Statue of Liberty and said, “You’ve been replaced!”
Republicans “stormed” a closed-door meeting to protest the impeachment inquiry. Even crazier, they used Mike Pence as a battering ram.
The Republicans actually stormed the room as a Pentagon employee was moments away from testifying about Ukraine. Cuz nothing says, “Completely innocent!” Like storming the room of someone about to testify.
It really turned into an ugly scene among Republicans - I haven’t seen that many angry white guys since NBC cancelled “Frasier.”
Things are pretty chaotic in Washington. I read that a lot of reporters think this has been one of the worst weeks of Trump’s entire presidency. Which is really impressive when you realize it’s only Wednesday.
Tiffany’s just released an Advent calendar that costs 112,000 dollars. Yep, exactly like Jesus intended.
According to Tiffany’s, behind the first three doors are everyday objects like a cup, a clothespin and a harmonica. If the first three gifts are a cup, clothespin and harmonica, the fourth door better be filled with 111,000 dollars.
Pizza Hut is testing environmentally-friendly boxes that you can actually compost. It wasn’t that hard -- the box is made out of pizza from Papa John’s.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.24.19
Hey, before we get started, I just wanna give a special shout-out to all of our viewers watching from the Colorado–Mexico border!
During a speech in Pittsburgh yesterday, President Trump said that he’s building sections of the border wall in New Mexico and Colorado. By the time Trump is done building all these walls, the country is going to look like 50 giant cubicles.
Then Trump announced our Coast Guard will be patrolling the ports of Nebraska.
But Trump addressed his comments in a tweet and said... “(Kiddingly) We’re building a Wall in Colorado”(then stated, “we’re not building a Wall in Kansas but they get the benefit of the Wall we’re building on the Border”) referred to people in the very packed auditorium, from Colorado & Kansas, getting the benefit of the Border Wall!”
Well, that clears it up. Forget immigrants, I think we need to deport Trump’s English teacher.
Trump participated in a ceremony in honor of the Hindu holiday Diwali. Things got off to a rough start when Trump told everyone, “We’re gonna build “Diwali” in Colorado!”
Pete Buttigieg said that he’s used marijuana “a handful of times,” and it was back when he was still growing up. Still growing up? The guy is barely old enough to see “Joker” on his own.
Judge Judy has endorsed former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg for president. It sounds good, but I still wanna hear what the judges from “Hot Bench” think before I make my decision.
The band Coldplay is revealing the tracklist of their new double album in newspapers around the world. That story again, Coldplay is keeping their tracklist a complete secret.
A group of scientists who taught rats how to drive tiny cars, and claimed the rats found it “relaxing.” When the report was published, the scientists’ families were like, “Wait, THAT’S what you’ve been studying.”
A new study found that mashed potatoes are just as good as Gatorade when exercising. So remember, this Thanksgiving you’re not “overeating,” you’re “training for the winter games.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.27.19
We are coming to you after tonight’s game between the Packers and the Chiefs! Tonight was supposed to feature two of the NFL’s best quarterbacks, Aaron Rodgers and Patrick Mahomes, but Mahomes is still injured and a backup played in his place. For Chiefs fans, it’s basically like getting tickets to “Hamilton” and then hearing, “Stepping in for Lin-Manuel Miranda tonight will be Vanilla Ice.”
Rob Gronkowski says he’d consider coming out of retirement IF the NFL lets players use CBD. Then every current NFL player was like, “Yes, and we would also like to try CBD for the first time.”
Football isn’t the only thing going on right now. Last night, President Trump tweeted, “Something very big just happened!” Americans saw and were like, “You went five minutes without tweeting?”
ISIS is looking for a new leader. At this point, the only jobs tougher to fill right now are Trump’s Chief of Staff and head coach of the Jets.
They were able to find the leader of ISIS in a very remote area. He almost got away, but then his phone started ringing from a Rudy Giuliani butt-dial.
Rudy Giuliani accidentally butt-dialed an NBC reporter and was overheard talking about Joe Biden. It’s actually pretty impressive… cuz Rudy uses a flip-phone.
CNN made a guide to help people figure out if their Halloween costume is appropriate or not. Here’s a tip -- if you need to use the guide, it’s not appropriate. Just trust your gut on that.
The guide ranges from it ranges from “Princess” all the way down to “Slutty OJ Simpson.”
A message in a bottle from New Jersey that washed up in Newfoundland. It was the first time someone opened a message in a bottle and all it said was “What are you looking at?”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: October 24 – 31

Thursday, October 24: Guests include Keegan-Michael Key, Chance The Rapper, Brockhampton and musical guest Brockhampton. Show 1143

Friday, October 25: Guests include Priyanka Chopra Jonas, Questlove & Tariq “Black Thought” Trotter and musical guest Rex Orange County. OAD 10/10/2019

Sunday, October 27: Guests include John Cena, Luke Bryan and musical guest Luke Bryan. Show 1144

Monday, October 28: Guests include Emma Thompson, Joel Kinnaman and musical guest Liam Gallagher. Show 1145 

**Tuesday, October 29: Guests include Jason Momoa, Rhett & Link and Daniel Humm. Show 1146

Wednesday, October 30: Guests include Emilia Clarke, Bobby Cannavale, Booker T. Jones and musical guest FKA Twigs. Show 1147

**Thursday, October 31: Guests include Kristen Stewart, Gaten Matarazzo and Pete Lee. Show 1148
These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: October 23 – 30

Wednesday, October 23: Guests include Michael Douglas, Kathryn Hahn and musical guest Jenny Lewis. Show 1142

Thursday, October 24: Guests include Keegan-Michael Key, Chance The Rapper, Brockhampton and musical guest Brockhampton. Show 1143

Friday, October 25: Guests include Priyanka Chopra Jonas, Questlove & Tariq “Black Thought” Trotter and musical guest Rex Orange County. OAD 10/10/2019

Sunday, October 27: Guests include John Cena, Luke Bryan and musical guest Luke Bryan. Show 1144

Monday, October 28: Guests include Emma Thompson, Joel Kinnaman and musical guest Liam Gallagher. Show 1145 

**Tuesday, October 29: Guests include Jason Mamoa, Rhett & Link and Daniel Humm. Show 1146

**Wednesday, October 30: Guests include Emilia Clarke, Bobby Cannavale, Booker T. Jones and musical guest FKA Twigs. Show 1146

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: October 22 – 29

Tuesday, October 22: Guests include Jessica Biel, Billy Crudup and Jay Jurden. Show 1141

Wednesday, October 23: Guests include Michael Douglas, Kathryn Hahn and musical guest Jenny Lewis. Show 1142

Thursday, October 24: Guests include Keegan-Michael Key, Chance The Rapper, Brockhampton and musical guest Brockhampton. Show 1143

**Friday, October 25: Guests include Priyanka Chopra Jonas, Questlove & Tariq “Black Thought” Trotter and musical guest Rex Orange County. OAD 10/10/2019

Sunday, October 27: Guests include John Cena, Luke Bryan and musical guest Luke Bryan. Show 1144

Monday, October 28: Guests include Emma Thompson, Joel Kinnaman and musical guest Liam Gallagher. Show 1145 

**Tuesday, October 29: Guests include Jason Mamoa and Rhett & Link. Show 1146
These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: October 21 – 28

Monday, October 21: Guests include Scarlett Johansson, Mayor Pete Buttigieg and musical guest Jim James, Teddy Abrams & Members of the Louisville Orchestra. Show 1140

Tuesday, October 22: Guests include Jessica Biel, Billy Crudup and Jay Jurden. Show 1141
Wednesday, October 23: Guests include Michael Douglas, Kathryn Hahn and musical guest Jenny Lewis. Show 1142

Thursday, October 24: Guests include Keegan-Michael Key, Chance The Rapper, Brockhampton and musical guest Brockhampton. Show 1143

**Friday, October 25: TBD Repeat 

**Sunday, October 27: Guests include John Cena, Luke Bryan and musical guest Luke Bryan. Show 1144

**Monday, October 28: Guests include Emma Thompson, Joel Kinnaman and musical guest Liam Gallagher. Show 1145 

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: October 18 – 24

Friday, October 18: Guests include Taylor Swift, Chris O’Dowd and musical guest Angel Olsen. OAD 10/3/19

Sunday, October 20: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Kate Beckinsale and musical guest Young Thug Ft. Gunna. Show 1139

Monday, October 21: Guests include Scarlett Johansson, Mayor Pete Buttigieg and musical guest Jim James, Teddy Abrams & Members of the Louisville Orchestra. Show 1140

Tuesday, October 22: Guests include Jessica Biel, Billy Crudup and Jay Jurden. Show 1141

**Wednesday, October 23: Guests include Michael Douglas, Kathryn Hahn and musical guest Jenny Lewis. Show 1142

**Thursday, October 24: Guests include Keegan-Michael Key, Chance The Rapper, Brockhampton and musical guest Brockhampton. Show 1143

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: October 15 – 22

Tuesday, October 15: Guests include Demi Moore, Justin Hartley and musical guest Mark Ronson featuring Yebba. OAD 9/24/19

Wednesday, October 16: Guests include Lupita Nyong’o, Dane Cook, Jay ‘Sinatraa’ Won and Matthew ‘Super’ DeLisi and musical guest The Avett Brothers. OAD 10/7/19

Thursday, October 17: Guests include Kim Kardashian West, Kim Kardashian West & Winnie Harlow and musical guest Iggy Pop. OAD 9/11/19

Friday, October 18: Guests include Taylor Swift, Chris O’Dowd and musical guest Angel Olsen. OAD 10/3/19

**Sunday, October 20: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Kate Beckinsale and musical guest Young Thug Ft. Gunna. Show 1139

**Monday, October 21: Guests include Scarlett Johansson, Mayor Pete Buttigieg and musical guest Jim James, Teddy Abrams & Members of the Louisville Orchestra. Show 1140

**Tuesday, October 22: Guests include Jessica Biel, Billy Crudup and Jay Jurden. Show 1141
These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' October 7 - October 10

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.7.19
Today, a federal judge ordered President Trump to turn over 8 years of his tax returns. I’m not saying it’s bad, but right now Trump’s accountant is climbing over his border wall into Mexico.
People are still talking about the impeachment, and I saw that Trump said it’s a bad thing to have on his resume. The only thing worse than having impeachment on your resume is having Rudy Giuliani as your only reference.
I kinda like the idea of Trump even having a resume. Though I’m pretty sure under “Skills” all it would say is... “Can type over 50 tweets per minute.”
Trump’s never really needed a resume. The only one he’s ever made was a note to his dad that just said, “I your son. Me want job.”
Vladimir Putin spent his birthday weekend hiking with a friend in the Siberian Mountains. Putin said it was relaxing, while his friend called it, “The scariest 48 hours of his life.”
Going on a hike with Putin is basically the start of every episode of Russian Dateline.
The McRib is back at McDonald’s! Apparently, customers were asking for an alternative meat option and McDonald’s was like, “Done!”
A woman managed to board a Delta flight without a boarding pass or ID. It wasn’t that hard -- another passenger just had to say, “This is my emotional support woman.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.8.19
Congrats to the New York Yankees, who are moving on to the American League Championship Series! And congrats to the Mets, who are moving on to binge-watch season 8 of “Friends.”
You could tell the Yankees were feeling good when they popped champagne, lit cigars, and it was only the second inning.
The White House stopped an important American ambassador from testifying. Trump told his staff to do whatever it takes to stop anyone from saying anything that could endanger his presidency. Then his staff was like, “Okay,” and duct taped his mouth shut.
The White House blocked our EU Ambassador, Gordon Sondland, from testifying about the Ukraine scandal. Because nothing says, “We’ve got nothing to hide,” like saying, “We’ve gotta hide Gordon!”
Apparently, the ambassador has a bunch of text messages about Ukraine, but the State Department won’t give them to Congress. When she heard that, Hillary Clinton was like, “Russia, if you’re listening...I hope you’re able to find the texts on the ambassador’s phone.”
When the whistleblower testifies before Congress, they might disguise his appearance and his voice. Which means there’s a good chance the president is about to be brought down by a guy dressed as a Minion.
Trump had lunch with Vice President Mike Pence. You can tell Trump’s paranoid about leaks cuz before the meeting, he frisked Pence to see if he was wearing a wire. “Wow. You’re like a Ken Doll...everywhere.”
China is refusing to broadcast NBA games after the Houston Rockets GM spoke out in support of Hong Kong’s protesters. It’s a bad situation cuz the NBA needs China to grow their fan base and to make their shoes.
To save taxpayer money, the King of Sweden just took away royal status from five of his grandkids. For us, it’s a news story -- for Eric and Don Jr., it’s a preview.
A British man became the first person to fly around the world in a gyrocopter. When asked to comment on his flight in a gyrocopter, he said, “Uh, actually, it’s pronounced ‘yee-ro-copter.’”
A French town made a world record-setting fruit salad that weighed almost 23,000 pounds. When they heard about wasting 23,000 pounds of fruit, Edible Arrangements was like, “Stay in your lane, girl.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.9.19
Trump’s having meltdowns on Twitter and refusing to cooperate with the impeachment. Right now, Trump’s staff is like, “He’s 73, but he’s still going through the ‘Terrible 72s.’”
The White House actually sent a letter to Congress about the impeachment that says...“All of this violates the Constitution, the rule of law, and every past precedent.” Trump was like, “Love it! But you spelled ‘president’ wrong. It’s with two ‘Zs.’”
Not only is Trump lashing out, he’s now demanding an “apology” from everyone involved in the impeachment. Then women, minorities, the disabled, Mexico, and Puerto Rico were like, “You first.”
American Airlines says passengers on a recent flight may have been exposed to hepatitis. American Airlines passengers were furious, while Spirit Airlines passengers were like, “That’s all? I got polio...”
Passengers should’ve known something was up before the flight, when the gate agent said, “Now boarding zones, A, B, and C...That’s hepatitis A, B, and C.”
A growing number of doctors are diagnosing their patients via text message. So instead of writing, “You have erectile dysfunction,” they just send you an eggplant emoji and a sad face.
According to the CDC, the number of STD’s in the US has reached an all-time high. At first I wasn’t sure why, and then I remembered it’s been a month since college started up again.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.10.19
Trump held his first campaign rally since the impeachment inquiry in Minnesota. Trump loves Minnesota because the Vikings mascot basically has the same hair.
The Oxford English Dictionary just added the term “fake news.” Though, Donald Trump was actually more excited that they added the word “Baconator.”
It’s come out that the fountain in the opening credits for show “Friends” also appeared in the film “Hocus Pocus.” Though, the fountain still says tha

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: October 9 – 18

Wednesday, October 9: Guests include Jesse Eisenberg, Hailee Steinfeld, Steve Miller and musical guest Steve Miller. Show 1137

Thursday, October 10: Guests include Priyanka Chopra Jonas, Questlove & Tariq and musical guest Rex Orange County. Show 1138

**Friday, October 11: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Russell Westbrook and Ryan Hamilton. OAD 9/10/19

**Monday, October 14: Guests include Gwen Stefani, Ben Platt and musical guest Zac Brown Band. OAD 9/23/19

**Tuesday, October 15: Guests include Demi Moore, Justin Hartley and musical guest Mark Ronson featuring Yebba. OAD 9/24/19

**Wednesday, October 16: Guests include Lupita Nyong’o, Dane Cook, Jay ‘Sinatraa’ Won and Matthew ‘Super’ DeLisi and musical guest The Avett Brothers. OAD 10/7/19

**Thursday, October 17: Guests include Kim Kardashian West, Kim Kardashian West & Winnie Harlow and musical guest Iggy Pop. OAD 9/11/19

**Friday, October 18: Guests include Taylor Swift, Chris O’Dowd and musical guest Angel Olsen. OAD 10/3/19

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' September 30 - October 6

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.30.19
It’s the time of year people look at the puddle on a subway seat and go from saying, “I hope that’s lemonade” to “I hope that’s cider.”
I love the fall in New York City – there’s nothing better than watching tourists in Central Park jump into a big pile of leaves and then realize there’s a body underneath.
Everyone’s in the fall spirit. Some people spent the weekend carving a pumpkin, while Nancy Pelosi is trying to impeach one.
Trump is still fuming about the impeachment and this weekend he sent over 70 tweets! It’s so bad, at one point last night, Trump’s iPhone threw ITSELF in the toilet.
Trump tweeted he wants to meet the whistleblower in person, however their identity and whereabouts are still unknown. They’re probably hidden in a place that no one ever goes – so most likely, they’re at a Forever 21.
I read that Trump’s Chief of Staff, Mick Mulvaney, could lose his job cuz the president is unhappy with how he’s dealt with the scandal. If it happens, Mulvaney will try to get an easier job, like ER surgeon, cliff-diver or coach of the Jets.
In the next few days, top White House aides are gonna present Trump with an “impeachment response strategy.” Just in time! That’s like the captain of the Titanic yelling, “Argh, we should have taken a left!”
Congress is on a two-week break and I saw that Nancy Pelosi spoke about the impeachment at an Atlantic City casino. That’s how you know everything’s messed up. When Donald Trump is making statements from Washington and Nancy Pelosi is speaking from a casino in Atlantic City.
Democrats now say they’ll vote on impeachment by the end of the year. And this is nice. They’ve already hired Ryan Seacrest to host their “Impeachment Rockin’ Eve” party.
The impeachment is already getting ugly. In fact, Joe Biden’s campaign has asked TV networks to stop booking Rudy Giuliani, Trump heard and was like, “Finally, something me and Joe agree on!”
Giuliani appeared on every talk show over the weekend, and he ranted about the Ukraine scandal, made false allegations, spoke in run-on sentences, and contradicted himself several times. Giuliani is basically like if Trump’s Twitter account sprang to life.
I read that employees are now damaging workplace robots out of fear that they’ll take over their jobs. Which explains why today at the White House, Trump was seen trying to drop Mike Pence in the bathtub. 

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.1.19
The one-and-only Lin-Manuel Miranda is here! His new Broadway show “Freestyle Love Supreme” opens tomorrow! It is the hottest ticket in town. Prices range from “Wow, that’s expensive,” to “Sorry kids, no college for you!”
It’s officially October! And stores are already putting up their Halloween decorations. But unfortunately, those aren’t fake cobwebs at Forever 21.
People are putting up Halloween decorations. But make sure to buy your decorations now, cuz tomorrow the aisles at CVS will be full of stuff for Christmas.
They’re even putting up Halloween decorations at the White House. And just to frighten President Trump, instead of a scarecrow they’re using a cardboard cutout of Nancy Pelosi.
It just came out that Trump called Australia and asked them to help discredit the Mueller Report. Yeah, he asked Australia to work against U.S. intelligence -- today Trump said, “Everything’s the opposite down there, so it’s technically NOT treason.” “Actually treason backwards is “Nosert” as in, “No seart I did NOT commit treason.”
Now people want to see Trump’s calls with Putin as well. But Russia says the White House needs to ask “permission” before releasing any calls between them. That shouldn’t be a problem, cuz Trump already asks Russia for permission every time he uses the bathroom.
Meanwhile, 2020 candidate Kamala Harris has called on Twitter to suspend Trump’s account cuz of his intimidating tweets towards the whistleblower. Trump heard that and was like, “You can take away my presidency, but you’ll never take away...my Twitter!”
As if things aren’t crazy enough, today at the White House, a mouse fell from the ceiling and landed on a reporter. Usually, the mouse would’ve been caught, but Eric had his tongue stuck in the trap all week.
The mouse fell from the ceiling and landed on the lap of our own Peter Alexander from NBC News. And now it confirms a rumor that’s been going around NBC for years - Peter Alexander wears edible cheese underwear.
The first cannabis café opened today in Los Angeles. CNN called it the “first farm-to-table restaurant that highlights cuisine and cannabis.” So, apparently that reporter has never been to Taco Bell.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.2.19
It was 90 degrees today in New York City! Right now, every guy in your office who wears shorts year-round is like, “Well, well, well, now who’s the weirdo?”
It was 90 degrees today here in New York! It’s brutal out there -- on the sidewalk, people were spritzing themselves with Pumpkin Spice Lattes.
It was so hot, I saw a hot dog vendor fanning himself with health code violations.
It was so hot, President Trump wasn’t the ONLY thing melting down.
It came out that while talking about strengthening border security, Trump suggested building a moat filled with snakes and alligators. And you know today was nuts cuz that’s not even close to being the craziest part.
Apparently Trump said that he wanted to protect the border wall using a moat “filled with snakes or alligators.” When they heard, every Bond villain was like, “Good God, what is wrong with this guy?”
He wasn’t kidding! Trump even told his staff to find out how much building the snake and alligator moat would cost. That about sums up working for Trump. One minute you’re meeting in the Oval Office, the next you’re Googling, “How much does an alligator moat cost?”
Trump said the best part of the alligator moat was telling Eric and Don Jr. he built them a new lazy river.
Trump also said he wanted the wall electrified, with spikes on top that could pierce human flesh. Kim Jong Un was like, “Wait, this guy can have nukes, but I can’t?!”
After the story broke, Trump responded on Twitter and said...“Now the press is trying to sell the fact that I wanted a Moot stuffed with alligators and snakes”
I don’t know where to start – well, he misspelled “moat” and wrote, “moot.” When a staffer told him about the mistake, Trump was like, “Whatever, the point is moat.”
Trump also called the story “fake news.” He was like, “It wasn’t snakes and alligators, it was sharks and tornados!”
Trump tweeted about the Ukraine scandal and said...“what is taking place is not an impeachment, it is a COUP.”
People saw and we’re like, “Wait a minute, how the hell did he spell “coup” right and mess up “moat?”
Trump met with the president of Finland. At one point, Finland's president said, "I'm Finnish," and Trump was like, "I feel your pain, I think I'm finished too."
A California woman just won the World Pumpkin Pie Eating Contest after she ate 50 slices in 10 minutes. Or as most Americans call that, “Thanksgiving.”
I heard that New Yorkers have been smoking illegal toad venom. That’s crazy -- one week without vaping, and they’re like, “Yo, you think we can smoke that frog?”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.3.19
I saw Taylor backstage and was like, “Oh my god! I’m so glad you’re here! And her security tackled me and said, “Jimmy, you need to calm down.”
Everything happening in Washington right now feels like a Taylor Swift song. Democrats knew Trump was “Trouble When He Walked In.” Now they have “Bad Blood” and Nancy Pelosi is like, “Look What You Made Me Do.”
Well just when it felt like this impeachment scandal couldn’t get any crazier, Trump spoke to reporters this morning and got himself into even MORE trouble. He’s already in trouble for asking Ukraine to investigate the Bidens, so you’d think he’d stop there. But, as you know. Trump is gonna Trump.
It's crazy! In the middle of being investigated for asking foreign countries for election help, Trump publicly asked foreign countries for election help! That's like chugging a beer WHILE taking a breathalyzer test.
The chairwoman of the Federal Election Commission released a statement that said...“Let me make something 100% clear...It is illegal to receive anything of value from a foreign national in connection with a US election.” Trump saw that and was like, “Startingggg now!”
People close to Trump are worried that he’s becoming more and more unglued. Yeah, at this point, the only “glued” parts of Trump are his teeth and his hair.
It’s true, Trump may be losing it. Today, he tweeted in all caps...“ELECTION INTERFERENCE!” That wasn’t a complaint, he just accidentally tweeted his “to-do” list.
He was like, “My bad! That was supposed to be a DM to Ukraine, China, Australia and Russia!
Trump tweeted a video about Joe Biden that featured a Nickelback song, but Nickelback had the video taken down. Man, it’s not a good sign for Trump when even NICKELBACK is like, “We can’t be associated with you.”
Trump is staying busy. Today he gave a speech about healthcare in Florida. And when it was over, Trump swung by the Everglades to grab some alligators for his border moat.
Joe Biden made a speech in Nevada and told Trump, “You’re not going to destroy me.” Then Biden was like, “I’m letting Elizabeth Warren do that instead.”
Beto O’Rourke just posted an Instagram video of himself getting a flu shot. It’s the first time since the campaign started that we can honestly say Beto’s got a shot.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.4.19
It's currently Comic Con in New York City! So if you see 13 guys on the subway dressed as Spider-Man, I guess it’s that?
It’s almost the weekend. And if you think YOU need a break – imagine how Trump’s iPhone feels.
Joaquin Phoenix is my guest tonight! His new film “Joker” is out today, and we see the origins of how a man went completely insane. I guess it all started when he made a phone call to Ukraine and asked for help.
I saw that President Trump is thinking about starting his own news network to get a “real voice out there.” Americans are like, “FINALLY! A place to hear what Trump has to say!”
Trump talked about starting his own news network. It’ll be the only channel where the shows are way louder than the commercials.
The Yankees hosted the Minnesota Twins in Game One of the Division Series. Yankees fans were like, “You suck, Twins!” While Minnesota fans were like, “Hey, thanks so much for having us, this is so great.”
Uber is offering a helicopter service to JFK airport. Meanwhile, if you wanna fly to LaGuardia, they just send a lawn chair tied to some balloons.
I saw that Instagram is launching a new app called Threads, where you can send photos to your closest friends. It’s for when you don’t think the vacation photo you posted publicly made them jealous enough.
Bed Bath & Beyond announced that they’re closing 60 locations. I knew the company was in trouble when I got a 20-percent off coupon in the mail to BUY a “Bed Bath, and Beyond.”
Today is National Taco Day AND National Vodka Day. And if you celebrated both, be glad it’s not Monday.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.6.19
It is Sunday night and we are here with a special NFL postgame Tonight Show! And if you're drunk right now, either you tailgated all day, or you play for the Jets.
Patrick Mahomes is being called the “Face of the NFL.” Meanwhile his coach Andy Reid is the “Gut.”
The Patriots played the Redskins at FedEx Field. You can tell the stadium is sponsored by FedEx, cuz after you show them your ticket, they pick you up and throw you over the front gate.
This week, Tom Brady admitted that he’s been wearing the same shoulder pads for the last 25 years. Then his jockstrap was like, “And if you think THAT’S bad...”
My favorite thing were the referees. I’m not kidding, it was nice to hear from some whistleblowers that had NOTHING to do with Trump.
The big story is that a SECOND whistleblower is coming forward in the Ukraine scandal. Trump hasn’t been this upset since he found out there was a second Donald Trump.
The ax Jack Nicholson used in “The Shining” just sold at auction for 200,000 dollars. When the winner told his wife, she was like, “Heeeeeere’s divorce papers!”
I heard that you can now buy “whiskey pods” that are like Tide Pods, but filled with alcohol.
That’s great, cuz until now, if you wanted to get drunk off plastic you just had to swallow A LOT of Listerine strips.
Police in Pennsylvania just discovered 100-thousand dollars worth of marijuana growing inside someone’s empty swimming pool. When he heard that, Seth Rogen was like, “Cannonball!”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: October 3 – 10

Thursday, October 3: Guests include Taylor Swift, Chris O’Dowd and musical guest Angel Olsen. Show 1132

**Friday, October 4: Guests include Joaquin Phoenix and Zoey Deutch. Show 1133

Sunday, October 6: Guests include Edward Norton, Alessia Cara and musical guest Alessia Cara. Show 1134

**Monday, October 7: Guests include Lupita Nyong’o, Dane Cook, Jay ‘Sinatraa’ Won and Matthew ‘Super’ DeLisi and musical guest The Avett Brothers. Show 1135

Tuesday, October 8: Guests include Clive Owen, Elsie Fisher and musical guest Lewis Capaldi. Show 1136

**Wednesday, October 9: Guests include Jesse Eisenberg, Hailee Steinfeld, Steve Miller and musical guest Steve Miller. Show 1137

**Thursday, October 10: Guests include Priyanka Chopra Jonas, Questlove & Tariq and musical guest Rex Orange County. Show 1138

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: October 1 – 8

Tuesday, October 1: Guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda, Chris Colfer and musical guest the cast of Freestyle Love Supreme. Show 1130

Wednesday, October 2: Guests include Natalie Portman, Henry Winkler and musical guest Robbie Robertson. Show 1131

Thursday, October 3: Guests include Taylor Swift, Chris O’Dowd and musical guest Angel Olsen. Show 1132

Friday, October 4: Guests include Joaquin Phoenix, Zoey Deutch and Gary Vaynerchuk. Show 1133

**Sunday, October 6: Guests include Edward Norton, Alessia Cara and musical guest Alessia Cara. Show 1134

**Monday, October 7: Guests include Lupita Nyong’o, Dane Cook and musical guest The Avett Brothers. Show 1135

**Tuesday, October 8: Guests include Clive Owen, Elsie Fisher and musical guest Lewis Capaldi. Show 1136

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' September 23 - September 27

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.23.19
We are coming to you live every night this week! A special thank you to everyone in the audience for being here! Usually, when you’re out in New York City past midnight on a Monday you’ve made some pretty bad decisions.
Gwen Stefani is here! I love Gwen Stefani; not only is she a music icon, she’s the only reason I know how to spell the word bananas.
Today was the first day of fall. This morning I put on my favorite flannel shirt and scarf, made some hot chocolate, stepped outside and realized it was 90 degrees.
It was 90 degrees in New York today. It was so hot, Trump asked the president of Ukraine for some dirt on the sun.
There’s a giant new scandal involving the president. Trump asked officials in Ukraine to investigate Joe Biden’s family. Yeah, Trump asked Ukraine for election help -- or as he put it, “I was just trying to make Putin jealous!”
Apparently Trump asked the president of Ukraine to investigate Joe Biden’s son. Right now, Eric and Don Jr. are thinking, “Damn, he even pays more attention to Biden’s kid.”
Today reporters asked Trump if he did anything wrong, and he was like, “Yeah, I probably should’ve asked for dirt on Elizabeth Warren.”
Trump’s call with Ukraine could really put his presidency in danger. Today, Nancy Pelosi said, “Another 5 or 600 major violations and we might think about impeachment.”
Nancy Pelosi told the White House to hand over the secret whistleblower complaint by Thursday, or face the consequences. In response, Trump signed an order that eliminates Thursday -- “It now goes Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday.”
This whole thing is pretty shocking -- we’ve spent years talking about Russia, it might be Ukraine that takes down Trump. Who saw that coming? That’s like looking both ways before you cross the street, then getting hit by a drone.
Trump is in New York City to give a speech tomorrow at the UN General Assembly. Yeah, he’s speaking in a room full of leaders with different cultural backgrounds and ethnicities. It’s basically Trump’s version of walking into a haunted house.
Trump’s speech will be a little different. First he’ll make some opening remarks and then he’ll go around one-by-one asking world leaders for dirt on Joe Biden.
Several 2020 candidates were in Iowa, and Joe Biden set up a tent with a bouncy castle, a fire truck, and an ice cream truck. It’s all part of his plan to win that coveted 3 to 8-year old demographic.
New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio announced that he’s dropping out of the race and he’ll eventually support another Democrat. When they heard that, all the other Democrats were like, “Please not me, please not me.”
I heard that Nestlé is gonna start selling luxury, handmade Kit Kats for 17 dollars. They came up with the idea after asking, “What does nobody on Earth want or need?”
An American Airlines flight had to make an unscheduled landing after a passenger started smoking a joint. At first, all the other passengers were furious...and then...not so much.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.24.19
We are live this entire week! I’m really excited – which is nice – cuz if you know me, you know I normally don’t get excited about things.
Tonight was the season premiere of "This Is Us." Or as it’s known over at Kleenex headquarters, “Christmas.”
Tonight was the premiere of “This Is Us,” followed by Nancy Pelosi’s new show, “This Is Us Impeaching You.”
Nancy Pelosi announced a formal inquiry into impeaching President Trump. You can tell Trump’s desperate to make this go away cuz tonight he was like, “Hey! Who wants to see my tax returns?!”
This is really bad news for Trump. Which explains why today, he called Ukraine and was like, “Forget Biden, get me dirt on Pelosi.”
After years of anticipation, Democrats finally took a step toward impeachment. They’re pretty excited -- for them, it was like finally making it to the “Fantasy Suite.”
This whole thing is moving very fast. We found out about the Ukraine scandal last week. The impeachment inquiry is starting this week. Which means Trump will be on “Dancing with the Stars” next week.
It’s been a busy day for Trump. Today he spoke at the United Nations. When his staff first told him he’d be speaking at the world's most important international organization, Trump was like, “OMG, are we going to IHOP?!”
Trump addressed world leaders at the UN General Assembly, and he spoke very calmly and very slowly. Some said it was to “look presidential,” while Melania was like, “I put Xanax in Froot Loops.”
During Trump’s speech, his Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross was caught on camera sleeping. It got even worse when Wilbur started spooning the guy in front of him.
Later, Ross was like, “Oh please, I wasn’t sleeping -- I was just briefly dead.”
Facebook just paid almost one billion dollars for a company that makes wristbands that can read your brain. Which is crazy, cuz I was pretty sure Facebook already knew everything about me.
A woman in France found out she had a 13th century painting worth over six million dollars hanging in her kitchen above a hot plate. She’s pretty excited about the discovery, cuz now she can upgrade to a George Foreman grill.
I read about a woman in the UK who fell in love with her wedding DJ, and now they’re dating. Even worse, the woman told her ex-husband, “Should have sprung for a band.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.25.19
Robert stars in the new movie, “The Irishman” with Al Pacino and Joe Pesci. It’s a little strange to hear those three guys in a movie called “The Irishman.” That’s like a movie starring Liam Neeson, Colin Farrell and Pierce Brosnan called, “The Italians.”
I’m excited about this -- for the third night in a row, we are coming to you LIVE everybody! But don’t worry if you miss anything -- we’ve got a White House staffer backstage typing up a transcript.
Today, Trump released the transcript of his phone call with the President of Ukraine. And it started with him saying... “Congratulations on a great victory... Somebody who wasn't given much of a chance, and you ended up winning easily.”
And then Trump said, (TRUMP) “But enough about me...”
Later in the transcript there was a pretty damaging part where Trump talks about Biden’s son. When Trump saw that part, he said, “That can’t be my transcript, it looks nothing like my handwriting.”
You can tell Trump is running out of explanations. Today, he was like, “It’s not me on the transcript, it’s Alec Baldwin!”
The situation is escalating fast -- today it was all about impeachment, whistleblowers, transcripts -- can’t we go back to when things were simpler, and the president was just fighting with Chrissy Teigen?
Now, a lot of Democrats have come out to show their support for the impeachment of Trump. You can tell they’re on board cuz Nancy Pelosi crowd surfed her way into the office today.
A lot of people are calling the transcript a “smoking gun.” Which explains why today, Trump said, “Okay...NOW I’m ready for gun control.”
On NBC there was an all-new “Chicago Med,” “Chicago Fire,” and “Chicago P.D.” And that was followed by “Chicago Post Office,” “Chicago DMV,” and “Chicago Zoo.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.26.19
It was an absolutely gorgeous day here in New York City! Not cuz of the weather, but cuz President Trump finally went back to Washington.
After spending three days in the city for the UN General Assembly, Trump finally returned to Washington. But it was a little awkward when he got to the Oval Office and saw Mike Pence sitting behind his desk.
A lot of people are happy that Trump’s back in DC. When Trump walked up the White House steps, it was so cute - Rudy Giuliani started barking and scratching at the window.
It's been a rough couple of days for the president. But to put things in perspective, even e-cigarettes were like, “Trump’s having a bad week.”
The big news today is the release of the whistleblower’s complaint about Trump’s call with Ukraine. It started off by saying...“I am reporting an urgent concern.”
The whistleblower then said...“...there were approximately a dozen White House officials who listened to the call.”
But the biggest takeaway from the complaint was the section that claimed...“Officials had intervened to ‘lock down’ all records of the phone call.”
Basically Trump’s being accused of a cover up. I don’t know. Why would anyone think that Trump...is the type of guy...who would “cover something up?”
But the complaint also said...
“The transcript was loaded into a separate electronic system that is otherwise used to store and handle classified information.”
When she saw that, Hillary Clinton’s Apple Watch was like, “Yo, your heartbeat is off the charts right now!”
Marshalls just launched its first-ever online store. But to make shoppers feel like they’re in the real Marshalls, in the pictures online, all the clothes are balled up and thrown on the floor.
Japan Airlines is now letting passengers know ahead of time if a baby is sitting near them on a flight, and giving them the chance to move seats. Meanwhile on Spirit Airlines, if you're near a baby, you just get a text from them that says, “Lol suckaaa!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.27.19

Billie is incredible. She’s just 17 years old and she’s about to go on a world tour. Meanwhile, when I was 17, I was touring a fake ID around every 7-Eleven.
I just wanna thank our incredible staff for all their hard work. I also wanna thank President Trump for making everyone’s job a lot easier.
It came out today that Democrats wanna write-up formal articles of impeachment against Trump by Halloween. And you’ll know they’re bad when Trump buys a Dora costume and tries sneaking into Mexico. “Can you say ‘Desa Paracer?’”
It looks like Trump could be impeached sometime around the holidays. It’ll be weird on Thanksgiving when Trump pardons a turkey and then asks the turkey to pardon him back. “C’mon Giblet, we had a deal!”
A new poll finds that 47 percent of Americans approve of impeaching Trump. Or as Trump put it, “Hey! My approval rating is up to 47 percent!”
Mitch McConnell said if the House impeaches Trump, the Senate will immediately hold a trial. And here’s how I think the trial will work. Rudy Giuliani will make an opening statement, and five seconds later Trump will be impeached.
Nancy Pelosi said she thinks Attorney General William Barr, who is implicated in the Ukraine scandal, has gone rogue. Usually when this guy goes rogue, it’s when he puts on different wigs to keep getting free samples at Costco.
Trump has been sounding off on Twitter. This morning he once again tweeted... “IT WAS A PERFECT CONVERSATION WITH UKRAINE PRESIDENT!” Is it me? Or is Trump starting to sound like Ross from “Friends?” “WE WERE ON BREAK!”
Jason Momoa addressed the United Nations on climate change today. As soon as he walked in, everyone at UN was like, “Damn, it IS getting hotter.”
The new animated movie “Abominable” comes out today, about a Yeti named Everest. So if you need something to do with the kids, just tell them it’s the “Frozen” sequel and pray they don’t notice.
Finally police in Indiana are looking for the thieves who stole 50 thousand apples from a local orchard. Right now, some kingpin is screaming, “You idiots robbed the wrong Apple store!”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: September 27 – October 4

Friday, September 27: Guests include Billie Eilish and Sebastian Maniscalco. Live Show 1128

**Monday, September 30: Guests include James Spader, Ruby Rose, Elvis Duran and musical guest DaBaby. Show 1129

Tuesday, October 1: Guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda, Chris Colfer and musical guest the cast of Freestyle Love Supreme. Show 1130

Wednesday, October 2: Guests include Natalie Portman, Henry Winkler and musical guest Robbie Robertson. Show 1131

**Thursday, October 3: Guests include Taylor Swift, Chris O’Dowd and musical guest Angel Olsen. Show 1132

**Friday, October 4: Guests include Joaquin Phoenix, Zoey Deutch and Gary Vaynerchuk. Show 1133

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: September 25 – October 2

Wednesday, September 25: Guests include Robert De Niro, Jameela Jamil and musical guest Bastille. Live Show 1126

**Thursday, September 26: Guests include Michael Che & Colin Jost, Dove Cameron, Robert Irwin and musical guest Carole King. Live Show 1127

Friday, September 27: Guests include Billie Eilish and Sebastian Maniscalco. Live Show 1128

Monday, September 30: Guests include James Spader, Ruby Rose, Elvis Duran and musical guest Koffee. Show 1129

**Tuesday, October 1: Guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda, Chris Colfer and musical guest the cast of Freestyle Love Supreme. Show 1130

**Wednesday, October 2: Guests include Natalie Portman, Henry Winkler and musical guest Robbie Robertson. Show 1131

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: September 23 – 30

Monday, September 23: Guests include Gwen Stefani, Ben Platt and musical guest Zac Brown Band. Live Show 1124

Tuesday, September 24: Guests include Demi Moore, Justin Hartley and musical guest Mark Ronson featuring Yebba. Live Show 1125

Wednesday, September 25: Guests include Robert De Niro, Jameela Jamil and musical guest Bastille. Live Show 1126

**Thursday, September 26: Guests include Michael Che & Colin Jost, Robert Irwin and musical guest Carole King. Live Show 1127

Friday, September 27: Guests include Billie Eilish and Sebastian Maniscalco. Live Show 1128

**Monday, September 30: Guests include James Spader, Ruby Rose, Elvis Duran and musical guest Koffee. Show 1129

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: September 18 – 27

Wednesday, September 18: Guests include Nick Kroll, Dennis Miller, Tyler ‘Ninja’ Blevins and musical guest Residente Ft. Bad Bunny. Show 1121

Thursday, September 19: Guests include Sylvester Stallone, Cedric the Entertainer and Mark Normand. Show 1122

Friday, September 20: Guests include Paul Giamatti, Chrissy Metz and musical guest Sheryl Crow Ft. Chris Stapleton. Show 1123

**Monday, September 23: Guests include Gwen Stefani, Ben Platt and musical guest Zac Brown Band. Live Show 1124

**Tuesday, September 24: Guests include Demi Moore, Justin Hartley and musical guest Mark Ronson featuring Yebba. Live Show 1125

**Wednesday, September 25: Guests include Robert De Niro, Jameela Jamil and musical guest Bastille. Live Show 1126

**Thursday, September 26: Guests include Michael Che & Colin Jost, Robert Irwin and musical guest PUSHA-T. Live Show 1127

**Friday, September 27: Guests include Billie Eilish and Sebastian Maniscalco. Live Show 1128
These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

MEDIA ALERT: ‘THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON’

• From its home studio at 30 Rock, NBC’s “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” will be live the entire first week of the season (Sept. 23-27).

• The week will be filled with surprises and exciting music collaborations, including a special edition of classroom instruments featuring Ringo Starr with Fallon and The Roots performing The Beatles classic “Yellow Submarine.” Fallon also teams up with Charli XCX for a fun mashup of “Just Can’t Get Enough” and “I Love It.” Plus, other one-of-a-kind games, sketches and comedy are in-store. The all-star celebrity lineup includes:

• Monday, Sept. 23: Gwen Stefani, Ben Platt and musical performance by Zac Brown Band

• Tuesday, Sept. 24: Demi Moore, Justin Hartley and musical performance by Mark Ronson featuring Yebba

• Wednesday, Sept. 25: Robert De Niro, Jameela Jamil and musical performance by Bastille

• Thursday, Sept. 26: Michael Che & Colin Jost, Robert Irwin and musical performance by PUSHA-T

• Friday, Sept. 27: Billie Eilish and Sebastian Maniscalco

• Fallon most recently hosted two live shows after the first Democratic presidential primary debates on June 26-27. Prior to that, live telecasts aired following Super Bowl LII and Super Bowl XLIX.

• “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” airs weeknights at 11:35 p.m. ET/PT on NBC.
• From Universal Television and Broadway Video, “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” is executive produced by Lorne Michaels and Jim Bell serves as Executive in Charge. The show is produced by Gerard Bradford and Jamie Granet-Bederman. “The Tonight Show” tapes before a live studio audience from Studio 6B in 30 Rockefeller Center.

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: September 17 – 20

Tuesday, September 17: Guests include Sarah Paulson, Michelle Dockery, Fallonventions and musical guest The Lumineers. Show 1120

**Wednesday, September 18: Guests include Nick Kroll, Dennis Miller, Tyler ‘Ninja’ Blevins and musical guest Residente Ft. Bad Bunny. Show 1121

Thursday, September 19: Guests include Sylvester Stallone, Cedric the Entertainer and Mark Normand. Show 1122

**Friday, September 20: Guests include Paul Giamatti, Chrissy Metz and musical guest Sheryl Crow Ft. Chris Stapleton. Show 1123

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

MEDIA ALERT: “THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON” WILL HEAD TO COLLEGE WITH SAMSUNG ON THURSDAY, NOV. 7

• The news was announced during last night’s show in front of a college student-filled audience that saw Samsung enable Fallon to go out of the studio using the Galaxy Note10 and film how students can make gourmet meals in their dorm alongside Le Bernardine’s Eric Ripert.
   
• “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” will visit the University of Texas at Austin campus with celebrity guests and Texas-sized moments, captured with the innovative Samsung Galaxy Note10 smartphone. There will also be many surprises for fans throughout the campus that day.  Stay tuned for more!
   
• This week’s Wednesday, Sept. 19 show will feature special guest professional gamer Tyler “Ninja” Blevins, who will be teasing some upcoming Samsung gaming news.
   
• For more information, please visit www.nbc.com/thetonightshow.

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' September 9 - September 12

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.9.19
We’ve got Ashton Kutcher on the show tonight! It’s been a weird few years for Ashton - people keep waiting for him to pop outta the White House and yell, “You just got Punk’d!”
It’s Fashion Week here in New York City! You can tell it’s Fashion Week cuz earlier today, I watched a rat eat the cheese off a pizza and toss away the crust. “No carbs, no carbs this week.”
This is the time of year when all the big names release their new lines. For example, last night, President Trump released his new line of insults against Chrissy Teigen and John Legend.
After John Legend went on MSNBC and said we need more criminal justice reform, Trump went on Twitter, calling Legend “boring” and referring to Chrissy as “John Legend’s filthy mouth wife.”
You know these are strange times when the president attacks John Legend and Chrissy Teigen but invites the Taliban to Camp David.
We’re just three days away from the next Democratic debate and this one will feature the 10 leading candidates all on stage at the same time. That’s right, 10 candidates all on stage talking over each other, for ABC, it’s basically “The View” on steroids.
Apple was caught breaking a Chinese labor law to build its latest iPhone. People in China were shocked, they were like, “Wait, we have labor laws?!”
But now Apple is doing the best they can to fix the situation. Today, they apologized, and sent all of their temporary staffers back to Kindergarten.
I want to congratulate Rafael Nadal on winning the U.S. Open Title. The match lasted almost 5 hours! Let me put this in perspective for you, at the beginning of the match, Trump was in a feud with Debra Messing, by the end, he was in a feud with Chrissy Teigen.
You could tell the match was long, after the third hour, the ballboys were just like, “You get it.”
Yesterday was the first Sunday of the NFL season, and I saw that during his game against the Titans, Cleveland Browns receiver Odell Beckham Jr. wore a 350,000 dollar watch. He’s playing in the NFL with a 350,000 dollar watch on-- meanwhile, my dad puts his Casio in the hotel safe before he takes a shower.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.10.19
Jennifer Lopez is my guest tonight! Jennifer is here promoting her new movie “Hustlers,” which is about a group of strippers who steal money from wealthy men on Wall Street. Jennifer has done the impossible – she’s made a movie that both President Trump AND Bernie Sanders can enjoy.
Let’s get to the big news out of Washington. Earlier today, President Trump announced over Twitter that he fired his National Security Adviser John Bolton. Yeah, Trump tweeted “Bolton’s services were no longer needed” and that he “strongly disagreed with many of his suggestions.” Bolton thought we should continue the war in Afghanistan and Trump thought we should continue the war with Chrissy Teigen.
Pretty soon after Trump’s tweets, Bolton responded on Twitter by saying “I offered to resign last night and President Trump said, "Let's talk about it tomorrow." Trump was like, “Technically, I am talking about it tomorrow.” I mean, Bolton really should’ve seen this coming - every kid on Earth knows, “Let's talk about it tomorrow” means you’re definitely not getting that pony.
Now that he’s out of a job, Bolton said he’s going to spend more time with his fellow walruses. I’m just kidding. Bolton actually said he’s gonna head west and “Pan for gold in dem dere hills!”
But it’s not all bad news for Bolton. I mean, if he wants to keep his job, he could just shave his mustache and show up for work tomorrow. “Who’s the new guy? Welcome aboard.”
Last night, Trump went to North Carolina for a rally, and right after he arrived, a bolt of lightning struck close to Air Force One. It’s weird -- for a few minutes, everything Trump tweeted was spelled exactly right.
But it’s smart for Trump to hit the campaign trail, cuz a new poll is showing his approval rating is at just 38 percent. Trump didn’t seem too upset, he was like, “The only polls I care about now are the ones in strip clubs, go see ‘Hustlers’ out this weekend.”
And now Trump is doing the best he can to boost his approval rating. Today, he took a Sharpie and turned the “38” into an “88.”
Apple unveiled its new iPhones today, and everyone’s excited cuz the new version has three cameras on the back. Yeah, Apple says it takes such clear selfies, you’ll find chins you never knew you had.
They also introduced a new Frogger game for their Apple Arcade service. Because nothing says “cutting edge” like hottest game from 1981.
It’s currently Fashion Week here in New York City. This year, many designers are showing-off some interesting new looks. For example, one designer debuted something a little strange: A bejeweled beard. That’s actually part of their Wolf Blitzer Collection.
And I saw one of the hot new trends this year are tiny purses. They’re perfect if you only wanna carry around one Altoid. It’s tiny, but somehow it STILL takes 10 minutes to find your keys.
I heard that Kanye West just purchased a 14-million dollar ranch in Wyoming, where he’ll raise horses and cattle. Yeah, horses and cattle. So Kanye – get ready to “Scoopity-poop.”
There's a new version of Monopoly out called "Ms. Monopoly," where women get paid more than men. Yeah, the Monopoly guy got the boot! So between him and John Bolton, it’s been a rough day for old guys with mustaches. 

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.11.19
Coming into work today I saw a bunch of paparazzi outside and thought, “Well, you’ve still got it, Jimmy!” and then I remembered my guest tonight is Kim Kardashian West!
I actually ran into Kim backstage and asked if she’d post a picture of us on her Instagram, and then she was like, “No problem! That’ll be two million dollars.”
Tomorrow night is the third Democratic debate on ABC, so it’ll be Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune, followed by a debate full of people who watch Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune.
Tomorrow’s debate on ABC is scheduled to be three hours long. Americans were like, “Um, the only thing we’ll watch for three hours on ABC is “The Bachelor.”
Right now, the candidates are making their way to the debate and I saw that Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg were on the same flight. Then it got weird when Bill de Blasio walked by like, “Peanuts? Headphones?”
The other big story is President Trump firing National Security Advisor John Bolton. Some are saying that part of the reason Trump fired Bolton was because he “never-liked his mustache.” Well, I guess whatever animal is on Bolton’s lip didn’t get along with whatever animal is on Trump’s head. 

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.12.19
We’ve got a great show! Jennifer Garner is here! Jim Jefferies is here! And we’ve got music from Megan Thee Stallion! She’s huge right now with her hit, “Hot Girl Summer.” Although, after seeing Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders at tonight’s debate, it feels more like “Old Man Fall.”
Tonight was the third Democratic debate , and I read that the candidates were all warned not to swear during the debate. Then it got weird when Bernie was like, “And what about nudity?”
Yeah, tonight was the third Democratic debates and I heard that the candidates were warned not to swear on stage. Yeah, the moderators said that any dirty language would make them appear too presidential.
Trump’s campaign hired a plane to fly a banner over Houston that said, “Socialism will kill Houston’s economy.” It was a great plan until they realized the debate was happening at night.
It just came out that the racehorse Justify, who won last year’s Triple Crown, failed a drug test before the Kentucky Derby. Officials knew something was up before the race when Justify told the horse next to him, “Pee in this cup for me.” You could tell he was on something when his trainer needed a giant saddle to cover up his “bacne.”
There are rumors that Jennifer Lopez might perform at this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. The NFL is really hoping she says yes, cuz their next option is Pete Buttigieg and Beto O’Rourke.
I wanna say congrats to DJ Khaled who’s having a baby. When the baby was born DJ Khaled was like, “anotha one!”
A company has started making a new blue rosé. It’s pretty cool, they only use the finest grapes from France’s Listerine region.

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: September 16 – 20

Monday, September 16: Guests include Kamala Harris, Lilly Singh, Charli XCX and musical guest Charli XCX ft. Christine and the Queens. Show 1119

**Tuesday, September 17: Guests include Sarah Paulson, Michelle Dockery, Fallonventions and musical guest The Lumineers. Show 1120

**Wednesday, September 18: Guests include Dennis Miller, Tyler ‘Ninja’ Blevins and musical guest Residente Ft. Bad Bunny. Show 1121

**Thursday, September 19: Guests include Sylvester Stallone, Cedric the Entertainer and Mark Normand. Show 1122

**Friday, September 20: Guests include Paul Giamatti, Chrissy Metz and musical guest Sheryl Crow Ft. Chris Stapleton. Show 1123

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: September 9 – 16

**Monday, September 9: Guests include Ashton Kutcher, Billie Lour, Bianca Andreescu and musical guest Sheryl Crow Ft. Jason Isbell. Show 1115

Tuesday, September 10: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Russell Westbrook and Ryan Hamilton. Show 1116

Wednesday, September 11: Guests include Kim Kardashian West, Kim Kardashian West & Winnie Harlow and musical guest Iggy Pop. Show 1117

Thursday, September 12: Guests include Jennifer Garner, Jim Jefferies and musical guest Megan Thee Stallion. Show 1118

**Friday, September 13: TBD repeat episode.

**Monday, September 16: Guests include Kamala Harris, Lilly Singh, Charli XCX and musical guest Charli XCX ft. Christine and the Queens. Show 1119

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' September 3 - September 8

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.3.19
Earlier today, millions of students across the country went back to school. Kids told their parents, “I’ll miss you so much!” Then parents were like, “And I’ll...see you after school!”
It was a pretty typical day for most students. Teachers started off by asking, "Does everyone have their supplies?” And students were like, "Yep, headphones, vape pen and CBD gummies."
New York City’s public schools are trying to be healthier this year, so they’re no longer serving salami or bologna sandwiches, instead they’re going with organic, free-range pigeon.
With the hurricane possibly hitting Florida, Trump’s not taking any chances, he even sent Don Jr. to the roof of Mar-a-Lago to give him live updates. “Stay up there Don, aim the golf club at the biggest cloud.”
I saw that a lock of George Washington’s hair is going up for auction and it’s expected to sell for at least 50,000 dollars. As soon as he heard, Trump was like, “Wow! I have a shower drain that’s worth 20 million dollars!”
In Australia, a student pilot had to land the plane after his flying instructor passed out during his very first lesson. The student was congratulated by officials, while the instructor was hired by Spirit Airlines.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.4.19
Tomorrow is the official start of the 2019 NFL season! It kicks off right here on NBC with the Chicago Bears hosting the Green Bay Packers! Which makes sense, because legally, anything in Chicago HAS TO be on NBC.
For the next six months, 31 teams will battle for a chance to lose to the Patriots.
I love the NFL season! It’s that special time of year when everyone finds out which family members have a serious gambling problem.
Americans love gambling on football. Listen to this – a new survey finds that 15 percent of the country will bet on football this year. While the other 85 percent are completely broke from betting on football last year.
This is a special year because it’s the 100th anniversary of the NFL, and even more impressive, Tom Brady has played quarterback in all of them.
Long shot candidate Marianne Williamson had to delete a tweet that said the “power of the mind” could turn away Hurricane Dorian. I can't tell what's worse - Marianne tweeted that or Trump retweeted that. “She’s good. We should consider that. Call France and get me all the mimes.” “No sir, MIND not MIME.” “Close the windows. Power of the MIME.”
Democratic candidate Andrew Yang said today that electing Joe Biden would take America “backwards in time." And right after, Yang said electing Bernie Sanders would take America "Back To The Future.”
I saw that Netflix is releasing episodes of TV shows weekly, rather than all at once. Yeah, Netflix said they’re really excited about completely defeating the purpose of Netflix.
Netflix is releasing some shows week-by-week, instead of all at once. They looked at their viewers and said, “We thought you animals could control yourselves, but we were wrong.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.5.19
Earlier tonight, the NFL season kicked off with the Green Bay Packers taking on the Chicago Bears! Everybody was excited -- now we get to watch football, and more importantly, we get to drink in the middle of the week!
Tonight was the big Packers - Bears game, both teams played great, but in the end the big winner between those two cities was once again Pepto Bismol.
Right now, the Kansas City Chiefs are the big favorites to win the Super Bowl, while the biggest underdogs are the Miami Dolphins. The Dolphins are 500-to-1 longshots to win it all. You can tell they’re depressed -- when they run out of the tunnel, the music in the stadium is Adele.
Seriously, I am so pumped that football is back! For once, it’ll be nice to see someone fumble that isn’t Joe Biden.
Speaking of Biden - did you guys see him on CNN's Town Hall last night? It was crazy - he was on stage and just started bleeding from his eye. I don’t know if he wants to be president or the next Bond villain. “I think climate change is real, Mr. Bond. No more straws for you, Mr. Bond. The turtle will see to that.”
I saw that The Eagles offensive line just posed naked in ESPN The Magazine’s “Body Issue.” They look like a boy band that fell on really hard times. They just changed their slogan from Fly Eagles Fly" to "Why Eagles Why?"
Last night, CNN hosted 2020 Democrats for 7 hours of town halls focused on climate change. Yep, seven hours -- even CSPAN was like, (SNORE).
Bill de Blasio is thinking about dropping out of the presidential race next month. When he told his family, they were like, “We thought you dropped out six weeks ago.”
A bride told her maid of honor that she could wear anything she wanted to her wedding, so she decided to dress up like a T-Rex. It was funny until she dropped the rings and said, “Can someone help me pick this up?

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.6.19
“It: Chapter 2” comes out this weekend! When they heard, actual clowns were like, “Oh come on, I was JUST starting to get work again!
President Trump just promised that if he’s re-elected, he’d build 500 miles of border wall. Yeah, and if he’s not re-elected, he'll just draw a wall with a Sharpie.
The Trump Administration just announced they’re rolling back efficiency standards for light bulbs. It was a confusing day at the White House, because every time Trump said “dim bulbs,” Eric and Don Jr. busted in and said, “You rannnng?”
The third Democratic presidential debate is in less than a week, and this time, all the candidates can fit on one stage. Yeah, we’ll hear from the 10 candidates up there, plus Bill de Blasio shouting from the audience.
I saw that this debate will be on ABC, which is nice because the winners will get a boost in the polls, while the losers will get a spot on “Dancing with the Stars.’
Google is being fined 170 million dollars for violating children’s privacy. Pretty messed up -- not only did they collect kids’ data they also told Becky that Greg “liked her” but didn’t “like her-like her.’
Yellowstone’s Steamboat Geyser had a record number of premature eruptions this year. Today, Park Rangers walked up to it and said, “Don’t worry, this happens to lots of Geysers.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.8.19
This is so exciting! We are here on Sunday night! Right now, everyone who passed out during the games is waking up to this like, (DRUNK) “Oh my god, I slept through Monday!” (”I’m so fired!”)
It was an interesting day around the office too. At 1PM, people on the crew came up to me and we’re like, “I had to sell my Jets tickets because of today’s show. I had to sell them.” By 4PM, they were like, “Hey, thanks for doing a show so I didn’t have to watch the freakin’ Jets.”
We’re at the start of a new season, and I guess one of the big trends this year is healthier foods at the stadium. The Dallas Cowboys are now selling quinoa salad and mushroom burgers. If you’re interested, look for the concession stand with no one in line.
Not only that, I read that more stadiums are offering a selection of fine wines. Here’s how it works: First, you pick out a nice vintage, then you taste it, and then you strap two bottles to a helmet with a giant plastic tube. Bottle of red, bottle of white, rose baby!
Of course, we are coming to you after tonight’s big Sunday night game between the Patriots and the Steelers! Before the game, Rob Gronkowski busted out of the tunnel, chest bumped his teammates, trash talked the Steelers and then remembered he retired six months ago.
The big NFL story is about superstar wide receiver Antonio Brown. Here’s the story, Antonio got frostbite on his feet after he went into one of those cryotherapy chambers with the wrong shoes. Next, he didn’t wanna play because his helmet wasn’t NFL-approved. Then, he cursed out the GM and threatened to fight him. Then, he went on social media and asked to be released. Even Bachelor fans are like, “This is WAY too much drama.”

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: September 5 – 12

Thursday, September 5: Guests include Kendall Jenner, Desus & Mero and musical guest Tanya Tucker ft. Brandi Carlile. Show 1112

Friday, September 6: Guests include Ryan Seacrest, Robin Thede and Derren Brown. Show 1113

Sunday, September 8: Guests include Michael B. Jordan & Jamie Foxx, Kelly Clarkson and musical guest Kane Brown. Show 1114

Monday, September 9: Guests include Ashton Kutcher, Billie Lourd and musical guest Sheryl Crow Ft. Jason Isbell. Show 1115

**Tuesday, September 10: Guests include Jennifer Lopez and Russell Westbrook. Show 1116

**Wednesday, September 11: Guests include Kim Kardashian West, Kim Kardashian West & Winnie Harlow and musical guest Iggy Pop. Show 1117

**Thursday, September 12: Guests include Jennifer Garner, Jim Jefferies and musical guest Megan Thee Stallion. Show 1118

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: September 3 – 10

Tuesday, September 3: Guests include Bill Hader, Cara Delevingne, Lester Holt and musical guest Alec Benjamin. Show 1110

Wednesday, September 4: Guests include Orlando Bloom, Constance Wu, Jack White & Brendan Benson and musical guest The Raconteurs. Show 1111

Thursday, September 5: Guests include Kendall Jenner, Desus & Mero and musical guest Tanya Tucker ft. Brandi Carlile. Show 1112

Friday, September 6: Guests include Ryan Seacrest, Robin Thede and Derren Brown. Show 1113

**Sunday, September 8: Guests include Michael B. Jordan & Jamie Foxx, Kelly Clarkson and musical guest Kane Brown. Show 1114

**Monday, September 9: Guests include Ashton Kutcher, Billie Lourd and musical guest Sheryl Crow Ft. Jason Isbell. Show 1115

**Tuesday, September 10: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Russell Westbrook and musical guest Solange. Show 1116

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: August 29 – September 6

Thursday, August 29: Guests include Julianne Moore, Jacob Tremblay and Julio Torres. OAD 8/5/19

Friday, August 30: Guests include Millie Bobby Brown, Finn Wolfhard, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin, Noah Schnapp, and Sadie Sink, Ramy Youssef, and Ivan Orkin. OAD 6/14/19

Monday, September 2: Guests include Ron Burgundy, Lil Rel Howery and musical guest Natalie Merchant. OAD 8/8/19

Tuesday, September 3: Guests include Bill Hader, Cara Delevingne, Lester Holt and musical guest Alec Benjamin. Show 1110

Wednesday, September 4: Guests include Orlando Bloom, Constance Wu, Jack White & Brendan Benson and musical guest The Raconteurs. Show 1111

**Thursday, September 5: Guests include Kendall Jenner, Desus & Mero and musical guest Tanya Tucker ft. Brandi Carlile. Show 1112

**Friday, September 6: Guests include Ryan Seacrest, Robin Thede and Derren Brown. Show 1113

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: August 28 – September 4

Wednesday, August 28: Guests include Common, Kate Upton and musical guest Common ft. Swizz Beatz. OAD 8/12/19

Thursday, August 29: Guests include Julianne Moore, Jacob Tremblay and Julio Torres. OAD 8/5/19

Friday, August 30: Guests include Millie Bobby Brown, Finn Wolfhard, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin, Noah Schnapp, and Sadie Sink, Ramy Youssef, and Ivan Orkin. OAD 6/14/19

Monday, September 2: Guests include Ron Burgundy, Lil Rel Howery and musical guest Natalie Merchant. OAD 8/8/19

**Tuesday, September 3: Guests include Bill Hader, Cara Delevingne, Lester Holt and musical guest Alec Benjamin. Show 1110

**Wednesday, September 4: Guests include Orlando Bloom, Constance Wu, Jack White & Brendan Benson and musical guest The Raconteurs. Show 1111

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' August 12 - August 15

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.12.19
It was a beautiful weekend here in New York City! It was so nice, the prison guards watching Jeffrey Epstein's cell left for hours to have a picnic.
Right now, President Trump is in New Jersey on a 10 day vacation. White House staffers were excited, until they realized they’ve gotta spend 10 days with Mike Pence. “Who wants to alphabetize some memos?!”
This is Trump’s August retreat –- or as he calls it, “My August re-tweet.” People close to Trump say that he’s spending most of his vacation tweeting, golfing, and watching TV. Unlike when he’s working, where spends his time golfing, tweeting, and watching TV.
Not only is Trump on break -- so is Congress and the Supreme Court. It’s probably not a good sign for our country that all three branches of government are on vacation and no one can tell the difference.
The Trump administration is staying busy. Today they announced a new rule that makes it harder for legal immigrants to get green cards. Now the only way an immigrant can get a green card is by marrying Trump.
The White House also announced they’re taking away protections from endangered species. In response, the bald eagle living in Trump’s hair immediately went into hiding.
Back in Iowa, Kamala Harris just debuted a new campaign bus with her name on the side. Bill de Blasio is riding in something similar -- but across the side, it says “Greyhound.”
Speaking of de Blasio. He went to Iowa for the State Fair, but only 15 people showed up to his event. 15 people? There’s more moles in the whack-a-mole game at the Iowa State Fair.
Doctors say that a man suffered a collapsed lung after a night of intense karaoke. He’s doing okay now, but just to be safe they’re warning people not to even bother Lady Gaga’s part in “Shallow.”
I saw that today was National Middle Child Day and you could tell it was National Middle Child Day, because everyone forgot about it.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.13.19
Trump took a break from his trip to visit the Shell Chemical plant in Beaver County, Pennsylvania. When he showed up in Beaver County and saw a chemical plant, he was like, “This is definitely not what I thought it was.”
Actually, Trump was excited to visit the Shell Chemical plant, because “Shell Chemical” is his brand of hairspray.
While he was in San Francisco, Alex Rodriguez had 500,000 dollars-worth of stuff stolen from his rental car. The items included some jewelry, a camera, and a gym bag containing a house and another rental car.
Olive Garden is once again selling its “Lifetime Pasta Pass.” Here’s how it works – You eat a lifetime’s worth pasta at one meal, and then you pass.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.14.19
Hot crowd! Please please keep it down, you might wake up Jeffrey Epstein’s prison guards.
It just came out that the guards in charge of Jeffrey Epstein were asleep on the job. Even worse – today they were re-assigned to guard El Chapo.
Democratic candidate John Hickenlooper is considering dropping out of the presidential race. “Don’t do it!” Said, absolutely no one. Do you guys know about John Hickenlooper? Yeah, that was part of the problem. He’s leaving the race. When he broke the news to all his supporters, they were like, “Cool dad, thanks for telling us.”
It makes sense, right now, he’s polling at zero percent. I’m not saying his campaign is in bad shape, but even the guard who fell asleep watching Jeffrey Epstein is at two percent.
On a recent Delta flight from Aspen to Salt Lake City, there was just one passenger. Just one guy on the whole plane, but when they were boarding, they still made him wait until Zone 5. When the beverage cart went by – it STILL slammed into his knee, and they lost his bag.
A Florida couple who met at the grocery store Publix decided to take their engagement photos in the grocery store. If they ever split up, they’ll just put one of those checkout dividers between themselves.
Everyone’s okay, but in Seattle a 70 year-old man mixed up the break pedal and the gas pedal, and drove through the window of an LA Fitness. He’s in the pool! I can’t tell what’s scarier – the accident, or that the driver is seven years younger than Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.15.19
The one and only John Travolta is here! A legend! I’m a huge fan of every movie he’s been in. He can sing, he can dance, he can act! He’s here promoting his new film, “The Fanatic.” Which after saying all that – is probably about me.
We’re halfway through August and people don’t know how to handle this weird time between summer and fall. Today I saw someone drinking a Pumpkin Spiced Rosé.
Yesterday the stock market dropped 800 points and suffered its worst loss of the year. I’m not saying the economy is in trouble, but right now giving money to John Hickenlooper’s presidential campaign is a better investment.
The stock market plummeted 800 points! The graph was intense. It looked like a heart monitor BEFORE you buy Olive Garden’s Lifetime Pasta Pass...and AFTER you buy Olive Garden’s Lifetime Pasta Pass.
Trump’s allies are worried that he’s “running out of tools” to fix the economy. When Trump heard, he was like, “Not true. I have Eric and Don Jr, they’re more than enough tools.”
News of the economy is really hurting Trump’s popularity. A new poll was just released that says Trump’s disapproval rate is at 56 percent, and now I’m really worried Trump might not fix the economy because he just asked, “What do the other 56 percent think?”
The film “Blinded By The Light” comes out tomorrow night, and it’s inspired by the music of Bruce Springsteen! When asked how many stars he’d give the film, Bruce said, “One...two...three...four!”
Coca-Cola just announced they’re releasing two new flavors – Coca-Cola Cinnamon and Winter Spiced Cranberry Sprite. The company says they’ll be available while supplies last – and based on those flavors, that’ll be forever.
In Idaho, the Guinness World Record was just broken for “Most People Scratching Lotto Tickets At The Same Time.” Even worse, that’s Trump’s plan to fix the economy.
I saw a new study that found people who left their phones at home during vacation experienced symptoms of withdrawal, eventually they just started pointing at random objects and people and yelling “LIKE!”
I read about a new trend where people have started adding bitmoji's to their resumes. They’re actually pretty helpful, now the person interviewing you knows exactly why you’re unemployed.
In Florida, there was a raccoon that had to be rescued from a vending machine. The rescue was pretty easy - firefighters just put in a dollar and pressed “A-2.”
Have you guys ever heard of Longneck Avocados? Well, photos of them are going viral. The eggplant emoji saw that and was like, “Well, I had a good run.”

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: August 19 – September 2

Monday, August 19: Guests include Dwayne Johnson, Issa Rae and musical guest Eddy Grant. OAD 7/31/19

Tuesday, August 20: Guests include Nicki Minaj, Phoebe Robinson and musical guest Julia Michaels. OAD 6/27/19

Wednesday, August 21: Guests include Selena Gomez, Elaine Welteroth and musical guest Goldlink Ft. Maleek Berry. OAD 6/11/19

Thursday, August 22: Guests include Rachel Brosnahan, Carla Gugino, Fortnite World Cup Solo Champion Kyle “Bugha” Giersdorf and musical guest Ty Dolla $ign. OAD 7/29/19

Friday, August 23: Guests include Dana Carvey, Emily Ratajkowski and Chloe Hilliard. OAD 5/24/19

**Monday, August 26: Guests include Dakota Johnson, Post Malone, Jon Lovitz and musical guest Tyler Childers. OAD 8/6/19

**Tuesday, August 27: Guests include Maya Rudolph, Rita Ora and musical guests Kygo & Rita Ora. OAD 5/8/19

**Wednesday, August 28: Guests include Common, Kate Upton and musical guest Common ft. Swizz Beatz. OAD 8/12/19

**Thursday, August 29: Guests include Julianne Moore, Jacob Tremblay and Julio Torres. OAD 8/5/19

**Friday, August 30: Guests include Millie Bobby Brown, Finn Wolfhard, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin, Noah Schnapp, and Sadie Sink, Ramy Youssef, and Ivan Orkin. OAD 6/14/19

**Monday, September 2: Guests include Ron Burgundy, Lil Rel Howery, and musical guest Natalie Merchant. OAD 8/8/19

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: August 15 – 23

Thursday, August 15: Guests include John Travolta, Marlon Wayans, Mary Beth Keane and musical guest Caroline Jones. Show 1109

Friday, August 16: Guests include Hasan Minhaj, Vanessa Kirby and musical guest Sam Fender. OAD 8/1/19

**Monday, August 19: Guests include Dwayne Johnson, Issa Rae and musical guest Eddy Grant. OAD 7/31/19

**Tuesday, August 20: Guests include Nicki Minaj, Phoebe Robinson and musical guest Julia Michaels. OAD 6/27/19

**Wednesday, August 21: Guests include Selena Gomez, Elaine Welteroth and musical guest Goldlink Ft. Maleek Berry. OAD 6/11/19

**Thursday, August 22: Guests include Rachel Brosnahan, Carla Gugino, Fortnite World Cup Solo Champion Kyle “Bugha” Giersdorf and musical guest Ty Dolla $ign. OAD 7/29/19

**Friday, August 23: Guests include Dana Carvey, Emily Ratajkowski and Chloe Hilliard. OAD 5/24/19

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: August 12 – 16

Monday, August 12: Guests include Common, Kate Upton and musical guest Common ft. Swizz Beatz. Show 1106

Tuesday, August 13: Guests include Henry Golding, Jonathan Groff and musical guest Rick Ross Ft. Swizz Beatz. Show 1107

Wednesday, August 14: Guests include Ice Cube, Kieran Culkin, Alessia Cara and musical guest Juanes & Alessia Cara. Show 1108

Thursday, August 15: Guests include John Travolta, Marlon Wayans, Mary Beth Keane and musical guest Caroline Jones. Show 1109

**Friday, August 16: Guests include Hasan Minhaj, Vanessa Kirby and musical guest Sam Fender. OAD 8/1/19

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' August 5 -August 8

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.5.19
Tonight was the season premiere of “Bachelor in Paradise!” It’s for everyone who watched “The Bachelorette” and thought, “This is a litttttle too classy for me.”
“Bachelor in Paradise” is here! It’s the show that’s got way too much alcohol, and not nearly enough chlorine. The cast includes Caelynn, Dean, and Clay -- meanwhile, Luke P. wasn’t invited, but you know he’s gonna show up anyway.
It was a big night on TV. ABC had “Bachelor in Paradise,” CBS had “Love Island,” and here on NBC it was “Chicago: Orgy.”
Over the weekend, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell tripped at his house, and broke his shoulder. On the bright side, it’ll be harder for him to shrug off gun control.
There was a bat on the plane! The Spirit flight attendants were like, “Well, there goes the in-flight meal.”
They used a cup and a book and then they trapped it in a bathroom. That was great, unless you needed to use to the bathroom on a six -hour flight.
Instagram is changing its name, and soon it’ll officially be called “Instagram From Facebook.” Even “Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw” was like, “That’s a bit wordy.”
Yesterday, Instagram actually went down for a few hours. Instagram went down on a Sunday -- everybody eating brunch just looked at each other and said, “What’s the point?”
CVS is launching its own membership program that comes with free home delivery, they’ll deliver within a 10-mile radius -- or roughly the length of one receipt.
Kellogg’s is making a new cereal inspired by the song, “Baby Shark,” because that's what you need: you want to remind kids about the Baby Shark song, AND THEN give them five pounds of sugar.

July was the hottest month ever recorded on Earth. Right now, Democrats are blaming global warming, while Republicans are blaming video games.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.6.19
Dakota Johnson is my guest tonight! Jon Lovitz is stopping by! And Post Malone is here! Actually in honor of Post Malone, everyone in tonight’s audience is going home with a face tattoo!
The economy is having a pretty wild week. Thanks to our trade war with China, stocks have been up and down, and I saw that Apple lost almost 50 billion dollars. Then every customer with a missing AirPod was like, “Sucks losing something, doesn’t it?”
All the big tech companies like Amazon, Apple, and Facebook got hit hard, and you can tell their CEOs are depressed...
Last night, Jeff Bezos got drunk and ordered a bunch of crap off Amazon.
Tim Cook whispered to Siri, “Hold me.”
And Mark Zuckerberg poked himself just to feel something.
I can’t believe this hadn’t happened already, but in a tweet this morning, Trump misspelled his own name. Yeah, take a look. He wrote… “Donald Ttump.” Donald Ttump. When Don Jr. saw, he was like, “I can’t believe I’ve been spelling it wrong this whole time!”
Meanwhile, after staffers told Trump he misspelled his name, he tweeted this. “Sorry, I meant to say, “Ddnald Ttump.”

Kylie Jenner’s birthday is this week, and to celebrate, I saw that Travis Scott filled her whole house with roses. Kylie was like, “Awww!” While her Roomba was like, “Drop me in the tub.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.7.19
Greg Kinnear is my guest tonight! And Phoebe Waller-Bridge is here! Phoebe stars in the hit comedy series “Fleabag,” which is also the name of a hotel near Penn Station.
A new poll about the 2020 election just came out, and it shows Joe Biden, Elizabeth Warren, and Bernie Sanders are leading the pack -- even though they’re all over 70 years-old. So far, the only thing they agree on is that the next debate should be at 4:30.
The poll also found that Bill de Blasio is polling lower than one percent. That’s horrible. To give you an idea of how bad that is - that’s polling lower than kale.
He’s lower than the squirt of water that comes out of your ketchup bottle.
That’s lower than sliding into damp bowling shoes.
That’s lower than having a Q and no U in Scrabble.
That’s lower than filming concerts with an iPad.
Another Democrat, Andrew Yang, just released a Spotify playlist of his quote “favorite jams.” When they asked other candidates for their favorite jams, Bernie Sanders was like, “Strawberry Smuckers!”
Andrew Yang’s playlist includes the song, “Don’t You Forget About Me,” which is cool, because that’s also his campaign slogan.
In an interview this week, Marie Kondo admitted that sometimes her own house can get a little messy. Really?! Marie Kondo has a messy house? That’s like Oprah saying, “Can I have a ride? I don’t have a car.”

A guy in California who went to jail for pretending to be a doctor, just got his medical license in the Caribbean, and is now an actual doctor here in the U.S. Meanwhile his patient was like, “Okay, not the BEST story to tell during my prostate exam.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.8.19
We had a beautiful day here in New York City! It was 85 and sunny -- it was so nice, over at LaGuardia, United pilots switched from whiskey to Piña Coladas.
Starting today, all the Democratic presidential candidates are visiting the Iowa State Fair. Yeah, it’s the time of year they all pretend to be relatable by wearing jeans. “You fellas like the crease on these bad boys?”
The fair is a huge event, featuring deep-fried Twinkies, bacon-wrapped sausage, and brownies-on-a-stic, or as one guy put it, “Wow, it’s just like the White House!”
The fair is massive. Organizers set up literally hundreds of food tents, and this is nice -- they also set up a “pre-chewed” food tent for Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden.
The fair can be rough though -- it’s basically the time when a candidate is cruising in the polls, and then there’s an unfortunate photo of them eating a corn dog.
The fair has a 600-pound cow made out of butter. It’s tough for Democrats -- they try to make the case for universal healthcare, and people are like, “Move, you’re blocking the butter cow!”
They also got bumper cars. Bernie will spend the whole time looking for his turn signal, Buttigieg isn’t tall enough to ride, and the minute it starts, Biden will get slammed by every other candidate.
But all the candidates are excited to be there and meet the people of Iowa face-to-face, while Marianne Williamson is excited to drop acid and run naked through a corn maze.
The first Iowa State Fair was held in 1854. Even crazier – it also featured a speech from Bernie Sanders.
After it came out that SoulCycle’s owner is a Trump donor, a lot of people started boycotting their spin classes. Meanwhile, when Trump heard his donor owns a spin class, he boycotted the donor.
In a new interview, Woody Harrelson said he once had to smoke weed just to get through a dinner with Trump. It got awkward when he stepped outside with a joint, and Melania was already out there with a bong.

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: August 8 – 15

Thursday, August 8: Guests include Special Guest, Lil Rel Howery, and musical guest Natalie Merchant. Show 1105

Friday, August 9: Guests include Kevin Bacon, Queer Eye’s Fab Five and musical guest The Highwomen. OAD 7/30/19

Monday, August 12: Guests include Common, Kate Upton and musical guest Common ft. Swizz Beatz. Show 1106

Tuesday, August 13: Guests include Henry Golding, Jonathan Groff and musical guest Rick Ross Ft. Swizz Beatz. Show 1107

Wednesday, August 14: Guests include Ice Cube, Kieran Culkin, Alessia Cara and musical guest Juanes & Alessia Cara. Show 1108

**Thursday, August 15: Guests include John Travolta, Marlon Wayans, Mary Beth Keane and musical guest Caroline Jones. Show 1109

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

‘THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON’ OPENS THE NEW FALL SEASON WITH SUNDAY POST-FOOTBALL TELECASTS AND A WEEK OF LIVE SHOWS

Fallon to Air Five Times Following “Sunday Night Football” and Late Local News Beginning Sept. 8
Thrills Continue With Full Week of Live Shows Sept. 23-27 From Home Studio at 30 Rock

NEW YORK – Aug. 8, 2019 – In a late-night first, “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” is getting into the gridiron groove with five telecasts that will follow the fall’s most exciting sports event, NBC’s “Sunday Night Football.” 

The first post-“Sunday Night Football” show will air Sept. 8 following a prime AFC match-up when the Pittsburgh Steelers travel to Foxborough, Mass., to take on the World Champion New England Patriots.

Guests for the telecast will include Jamie Foxx and Michael B. Jordan, who will share a clip of their new film, “Just Mercy.” In addition, Kelly Clarkson will appear to discuss her latest project, the daytime series “The Kelly Clarkson Show,” and singer Kane Brown will perform.
The other four “Tonight Show” Sunday telecasts are Oct. 6, 20, 27 and Dec. 1. “The Tonight Show” will air all five nights following late local news. Check local listings for specific times/markets.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eglp6u8LBdU

Additionally, the show will broadcast an entire week live on Sept. 23-27, which is the opening week of the new fall season. Fallon recently hosted two live shows from its home studio at 30 Rock after the first Democratic presidential primary debates on June 26 and 27. Prior to that, live telecasts aired following Super Bowl LII and Super Bowl XLIX.

From Universal Television and Broadway Video, “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” is executive produced by Lorne Michaels and Jim Bell serves as Executive in Charge. The show is produced by Gerard Bradford and Jamie Granet-Bederman. 

“The Tonight Show” tapes before a live studio audience from Studio 6B in 30 Rockefeller Center.

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: August 7 – 14

Wednesday, August 7: Guests include Greg Kinnear, Phoebe Waller-Bridge and musical guest Big Sean. Show 1104

Thursday, August 8: Guests include Special Guest, Lil Rel Howery, and musical guest Natalie Merchant. Show 1105

**Friday, August 9: Guests include Kevin Bacon, Queer Eye’s Fab Five and musical guest The Highwomen. OAD 7/30/19

Monday, August 12: Guests include Common, Kate Upton and musical guest Common ft. Swizz Beatz. Show 1106

**Tuesday, August 13: Guests include Henry Golding, Jonathan Groff and musical guest Rick Ross Ft. Swizz Beatz. Show 1107

**Wednesday, August 14: Guests include Ice Cube, Kieran Culkin, Alessia Cara and musical guest Juanes & Alessia Cara. Show 1108

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: August 5 – August 12

Monday, August 5: Guests include Julianne Moore, Jacob Tremblay and Julio Torres. Show 1102

Tuesday, August 6: Guests include Dakota Johnson, Post Malone, Jon Lovitz and musical guest Tyler Childers. Show 1103

Wednesday, August 7: Guests include Greg Kinnear, Phoebe Waller-Bridge and musical guest Big Sean. Show 1104

Thursday, August 8: Guests include Special Guest, Lil Rel Howery, Lester Holt and musical guest Natalie Merchant. Show 1105

**Friday, August 9: TBD Repeat

**Monday, August 12: Guests include Common, Kate Upton and musical guest Common ft. Swizz Beatz. Show 1106.

These listings are subject to change.
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QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' July 29 - August 1

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.29.19
Shark Week is officially here, and if you’re excited about that, you’re either a marine biologist, or you’re really high.
Shark Week started back in 1988. It’s been around for over 30 years! Even crazier, they’ve just been airing the same ten shows and nobody’s noticed.
Every year, there are about 80 unprovoked shark attacks, or as President Trump calls that, “a weekend.”
Trump loves Shark Week. It’s the one time he can tweet “I love Great Whites” without being called a racist.
This week, there are two more Democratic debates, and tomorrow’s airs at the same time as “The Bachelorette” finale, so no matter which one you watch, you’ll see a bunch of sad guys going home in a limo.
There are rumors that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have banned their neighbors from talking to them, apparently, neighbors aren’t even allowed to say “good morning.” Right now you’re thinking, “That’s rude,” but you’re also a liiiiiiittle jealous.
Soon, Teslas will be able to stream Netflix on the car’s center display. It’s all part of Tesla’s plan to cut down on emissions AND pedestrians.
A woman in Tennessee was staying at a Hampton Inn, and she woke up when a snake slithered across her body. Hampton Inn is defending itself -- they were like, “Well, did our wake-up call work or not?!”
Tonight on the show, we have the winner of the Fortnite World Cup Championship, Kyle ‘Bugha’ Giersdorf! He’s 16 years-old, and he just won 3 million dollars! Right now, parents everywhere are going, “Put down your homework and go play video games!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.30.19
When the Fab Five saw Bernie Sanders at tonight’s debate, even they were like, “There’s nothing we can do.”
A poll said 34 percent of Democrats were “very motivated” to watch this week’s debates, but that number dropped to four percent when Democrats remembered it’s Shark Week.
While the debate was on CNN, ABC was showing the finale of “The Bachelorette.” You could tell some people were confused -- halfway through the debate, Luke P. burst on stage and proposed to Elizabeth Warren.
It just came out that Siri has actually been recording people when they have sex. Not only that, FitBits also count how many steps you take on your walk of shame.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.31.19
Dwayne Johnson is my guest tonight! He stars in the new film, “Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw.” Meanwhile, at tonight’s debate it was “Slow & Serious Presents: Biden & Kamala.”
Tonight was part two of the Democratic debate, featuring Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, and eight other candidates who were like, “Oh my God, I’m so close to Joe and Kamala!”
After two days and six hours, this round of debates is finally done. It was actually a nice change of pace - usually when people watch six hours of CNN, it means their flight was cancelled.
This is the last time we’ll see so many candidates on the debate stage, because going forward, it’ll be harder to qualify. Until now, getting on stage was like getting a job at Walmart -- next time, it’ll be like getting a job at Target.
There was a lot of big moments in the first debate, but probably the biggest was between Elizabeth Warren and John Delaney. After he kept arguing against her proposals, she fired back. Then Delaney turned to camera and was like, “If you’re watching at home, my name is Cory Booker.”
A Delta pilot was removed from a flight because people thought he’d been drinking. Flight attendants got suspicious becuase he couldn’t steer with two 40s duct-taped to his hands.
A new study found that kids see bearded men as strong, but unattractive. The study raises a lot of questions, like, “Why the hell are we asking kids if they find bearded men attractive?!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.1.19
Tonight on NBC, we had the first NFL preseason game between the Broncos and the Falcons! If you enjoyed watching people hit each other, you probably loved last night’s debate.
A lot of people are talking about Biden’s age, because there was also an awkward moment when he confused his campaign website with a text message. Bernie Sanders was watching at home going, “Bingo! I have Bingo!”
Even though he’s been struggling, Biden is STILL the front-runner by almost 20 points. I guess Democrats want to fight fire with fire -- they’re like, “The only way to stop a guy in his 70s who can’t speak...is with a guy in his 70s who can’t speak.”
A new study found that the moon is actually 100 million years older than we thought. You can tell the moon is a lot older because it ended the night by telling supporters to visit its website, “Moon-3-oh-3-3-oh.”

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: August 1 – August 8

Thursday, August 1: Guests include Hasan Minhaj, Vanessa Kirby and musical guest Sam Fender. Show 1101

Friday, August 2: Guests include Chance The Rapper, Special Cameo by Jennifer Lopez, David Crosby & Cameron Crowe and musical guest David Crosby. OAD 7/16/19

Monday, August 5: Guests include Julianne Moore, Jacob Tremblay and Julio Torres. Show 1102
Tuesday, August 6: Guests include Dakota Johnson, Post Malone, Jon Lovitz and musical guest Tyler Childers. Show 1103

Wednesday, August 7: Guests include Greg Kinnear, Phoebe Waller-Bridge and musical guest Big Sean. Show 1104

**Thursday, August 8: Guests include Special Guests, Lil Rel Howery, Lester Holt and musical guest Natalie Merchant. Show 1105

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: July 31 – August 7

Wednesday, July 31: Guests include Dwayne Johnson, Issa Rae and musical guest Eddy Grant. Show 1100

Thursday, August 1: Guests include Hasan Minhaj, Vanessa Kirby and musical guest Sam Fender. Show 1101

**Friday, August 2: Guests include Chance The Rapper, Special Cameo by Jennifer Lopez, David Crosby & Cameron Crowe and musical guest David Crosby. OAD 7/16/19

Monday, August 5: Guests include Julianne Moore, Jacob Tremblay and Julio Torres. Show 1102

**Tuesday, August 6: Guests include Dakota Johnson, Post Malone, Jon Lovitz and musical guest Tyler Childers. Show 1103

**Wednesday, August 7: Guests include Greg Kinnear, Phoebe Waller-Bridge and musical guest Big Sean. Show 1104

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' July 22 – July 25

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.22.19
The heat was brutal all around the country. For the first time in years, ice cream truck drivers sold more ice cream than weed.
It was so hot here in New York, they had to cancel the New York City Triathlon. Which means 4,000 people were just wandering the streets going, “NOW what do I brag about on Instagram? My brunch?”
Over the weekend, White House advisor Stephen Miller went on Fox News and said that Trump is not a racist. People at home were confused -- they couldn’t tell if they were watching Fox News or “Big Little Lies.”
Over the weekend, Trump asked Sweden’s Prime Minister to free rapper ASAP Rocky from jail. Then Sweden’s Prime Minister was like, “We’re the home of IKEA, we don’t do anything ASAP.”
Over the weekend, a couple at Trump’s New Jersey golf club held a “Make America Great Again”-themed wedding, and he actually crashed it. Yeah, he cut in right after hearing, “You may now kiss the bride.”
This weekend was the 50th anniversary of the moon landing! It’s crazy - only 12 people have ever set foot on the moon, and nobody’s been there since 1972. It’s basically the JC Penney of space.
Shaquille O’Neal was in the crowd for a big music festival in Belgium this weekend. It’s like a reverse “Where’s Waldo.” It’s called “There’s Waldo.”
Can you imagine being the guy standing BEHIND Shaq?
The concert abruptly ended when Shaq tried to crowd surf.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.23.19
Robert Mueller is about to testify in front of Congress. Or as President Trump is calling it, “Narc Week.”
Democrats are hoping Mueller goes out there and explains his written report, on camera. It’s their way of saying to Americans, “We know you didn’t read the book, so maybe you’ll watch the movie.”
Over the weekend, a man in California who was dressed as a clown led police on a 35 mile, high-speed chase. When asked what he was running from, the man said, “Myself.”
Cheez-It is teaming up with a vineyard to make a box that is half Cheez-Itz, half wine.
People in the store are like, “Gross! I’ll take a dozen boxes!”
It’s like Lunchables for adults.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.24.19
Today is National Tequila Day, and after six hours of Robert Mueller testifying, I think we all deserve it.
A lot of bars in Washington opened at 8am this morning for the Mueller hearings, and if you did a shot anytime Mueller said, “I can’t answer that” you were blacked out by 10am.
Three months after he released his report, Mueller went to Congress to answer some tough questions about his investigation. I don’t want to say watching it was draining, but by the end, every American looked like Robert Mueller.
Mueller was questioned by 60 lawmakers for six hours. The only other time you get grilled like that is if you’re single at your family reunion.
Mueller said the reason he couldn’t charge Trump with a crime was because he can’t indict a “sitting president.” That’s why for the last 12 hours, Trump’s been afraid to get up from the couch.
Mueller said that Trump couldn’t get indicted cuz he’s in office. But the president’s not out of the woods yet.
Trump could be charged after he’s done being president. Right now in Russia, Putin’s looking at his phone like, “Any second now...Hello, Donald! Yes, I can help.”
A lot of people are focusing on all the things Mueller didn’t say. Instead of talking, he kept telling lawmakers to go back and read his report. Then the lawmakers were like, “The whole point of us bringing you here was so we didn’t have to read the report!”
Mueller avoided a lot of questions. He’s like a Magic 8 Ball -- except no matter how you shake him, he just says, “That’s not in my purview.”
A lot of people in the media are saying that Mueller came across as old and slow. On the bright side, he’s now the favorite to win the Democratic nomination for president.
At one point, Mueller had a little trouble with the president’s name. Then Trump was like, “See! It was TRIMP who obstructed. Not Trump! Trimp! Lock him up!”
After the testimony, both sides tried to declare victory. And Trump sent out a tweet that said… “TRUTH IS A FORCE OF NATURE!” People were like, “Wow, that’s deep.” And Trump was like, “Thanks – I got it from a fortune cookie.”
If you missed Mueller’s hearing, don’t worry -- in a few weeks, William Barr will give a much shorter, inaccurate summary.
After all the hype and questioning, I don’t think anybody’s changed their mind about anything. Democrats are still thinking about impeachment. Republicans are still saying case closed. America hasn’t been this divided since the trailer for the “Cats” movie came out.
A pair of Nike shoes were just auctioned off for a record 430,000 dollars. One day the buyer will show his kids and say, “These are the reason you couldn’t go to college.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.25.19
I’m so excited and fired up to be here -- I’m pretty much the opposite of Robert Mueller.
Everyone’s still talking about Mueller’s testimony. Democrats were hoping it would, “Breathe life” into the effort to impeach Trump, but afterwards they were like, “Forget impeachment, someone should breathe life into Robert Mueller.”
Both Democrats and Republicans thought Mueller came off as slow and old. I’m not saying Mueller was bad, but he made Bernie Sanders look like one of the kids from “Stranger Things.”
President Trump is thrilled with how it went. He was so happy, he came THIS close to hugging Don Jr.
Trump was so happy, he formed his hair into a party hat.
He was so happy, he re-hired Jeff Sessions, and then fired him again.
He was so happy, he thought about taking a victory lap, then just made an intern do it for him.
He was so happy, he offered to fly “The Squad” back to where they came from on Air Force One.
The president watched all seven hours on TV, but today he went back to his usual schedule of watching seven hours of TV.
After the hearing, Trump said Mueller’s performance was, “One of the worst in the history of the country. Then Stormy Daniels was like, “Second worst performance.”
During Mueller’s testimony, Melania tweeted that she’s already prepping for Christmas at the White House. Not a good sign for Trump -- he’s hearing he could be indicted, and his wife’s like, “It’s gonna be the best Christmas ever!”
Soon, you’ll be able to drop off and pick up UPS packages at Advance Auto Parts. It’s pretty simple -- a UPS driver just throws your package over your fence, into an Advance Auto Parts.
Someone tried to order a cake for a two year old that said, “Happy Birthday Lizard,” but the bakery misheard them and sent them a cake that said, “Happy Birthday Loser.” Meanwhile, at the White House, Trump was like, “Why does the cake I ordered for Don Jr. say ‘lizard’?!”
In North Dakota, a college student discovered a 65 million year-old triceratops skull. Even more impressive, it only took his roommate an hour to turn it into a bong. 

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: July 29 – August 5

Monday, July 29: Guests include Rachel Brosnahan, Carla Gugino, Fortnite World Cup Solo Champion and musical guest Ty Dolla $ign. Show 1098

Tuesday, July 30: Guests include Kevin Bacon, Queer Eye’s Fab Five and musical guest Highwomen. Show 1099

Wednesday, July 31: Guests include Dwayne Johnson, Issa Rae and musical guest Eddy Grant. Show 1100

Thursday, August 1: Guests include Hasan Minhaj, Vanessa Kirby and musical guest Sam Fender. Show 1101

**Friday, August 2: TBD Repeat 

**Monday, August 5: Guests include Julianne Moore, Jacob Tremblay and Julio Torres. Show 1102
These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: July 25 – August 1

Thursday, July 25: Guests include Science Demo: Kevin Delaney, Zachary Quinto, Betty Gilpin and Mike Vecchione. Show 1097

Friday, July 26: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Jonas Brothers and musical guest Jonas Brothers. OAD 6/12/19

Monday, July 29: Guests include Rachel Brosnahan, Carla Gugino, Fortnite World Cup Solo Champion and musical guest Ty Dolla $ign. Show 1098

Tuesday, July 30: Guests include Kevin Bacon, Queer Eye’s Fab Five and musical guest Highwomen. Show 1099

**Wednesday, July 31: Guests include Dwayne Johnson, Issa Rae and musical guest Eddy Grant. Show 1100

**Thursday, August 1: Guests include Hasan Minhaj, Vanessa Kirby and musical guest Sam Fender. Show 1101

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: July 23 – 30

Tuesday, July 23: Guests include Octavia Spencer, Fred Armisen and musical guest YBN Cordae ft. Anderson .Paak Show 1095

Wednesday, July 24: Guests include Naomi Watts, Mike Birbiglia and musical guest Midland. Show 1096

Thursday, July 25: Guests include Science Demo: Kevin Delaney, Zachary Quinto, Betty Gilpin and Mike Vecchione. Show 1097

Friday, July 26: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Jonas Brothers and musical guest Jonas Brothers. OAD 6/12/19

Monday, July 29: Guests include Rachel Brosnahan, Carla Gugino, Fortnite World Cup Solo Champion and musical guest Ty Dolla $ign. Show 1098

**Tuesday, July 30: Guests include Kevin Bacon, Queer Eye’s Fab Five and musical guest Highwomen. Show 1099

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: July 22 – 29

Monday, July 22: Guests include David Spade, Jeff Foxworthy and musical guest Red Hearse. Show 1094

Tuesday, July 23: Guests include Octavia Spencer, Fred Armisen and musical guest YBN Cordae ft. Anderson .Paak Show 1095

Wednesday, July 24: Guests include Naomi Watts, Mike Birbiglia and musical guest Midland. Show 1096

Thursday, July 25: Guests include Science Demo: Kevin Delaney, Zachary Quinto, Betty Gilpin and Mike Vecchione. Show 1097

Friday, July 26: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Jonas Brothers and musical guest Jonas Brothers. OAD 6/12/19

**Monday, July 29: Guests include Rachel Brosnahan, Carla Gugino, Fortnite World Cup Solo Champion and musical guest Ty Dolla $ign. Show 1098

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' July 15 – July 18

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.15.19
You guys, we’ve gotta hurry, cause we could lose power at any second right now!
What a crazy weekend! Here in New York City, there was a huge blackout. For hours, New Yorkers were trapped on subways, traffic was at a standstill, and there was no air conditioning at Port Authority -- THEN the blackout hit.
But this is New York City, so New Yorkers rallied and managed to keep calm. Then everyone’s phone battery reached 5 percent and all hell broke loose.
I heard the blackout even affected some weddings. At the Plaza Hotel, the lights went off right before a couple exchanged vows. Even worse, the bride had just said, “God, if this is a mistake, please give me a sign.”
Everybody’s talking about this racist tweet the president sent yesterday. He told a group of Democratic American Congresswomen to "go back" from where they came to from. Meanwhile, Melania was like, “Hey, how come they get to leave?!”
I don't know what’s more shocking. That the president sent a racist tweet, or that we won’t be talking about this in two days. Too real.
I wanna say congrats to Novak Djokovic, who won the Wimbledon Men’s Final yesterday. It was the longest men’s final ever, lasting almost 5 hours! The players were fine, but the ball boy was carried out on a stretcher.
We are right in the middle of Amazon Prime Day! I read that one of the top selling items is the Instapot. Yeah, it’s also the most returned item once stoners realize it’s not what they thought it was.
To compete with Amazon, I saw that Best Buy is holding a big sale. You all know Best Buy – it’s where you test out electronics before going home and ordering them off Amazon.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.16.19
We’re in the middle of a heat wave here in New York City! Temperatures this week could reach 100 degrees! It was so hot today, when New Yorkers felt something drip on them, they didn’t even care where it came from.
It’s so hot, Ben & Jerry’s had to hire a bouncer.
It’s so hot, NBC has a new show called “Law & Order: Sweaty Victims Unit.”
It’s so hot, President Trump lashed out at the sun, and told it to go back where it came from.
Trump is still going after those four Democratic Congresswomen. In a tweet, he claimed that they’ve said some of the most “vile, hateful, and disgusting things” ever. As he read off examples, a staffer was like, “Sir, those are all quotes from you.”
Trump sent another tweet in all caps that said... “IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY HERE, YOU CAN LEAVE!” Then he teared up, because those were also his wedding vows.
While he talked to reporters, Trump accused one of the Congresswomen of supporting Al Qaeda, people noticed that on his notes, Trump misspelled “Al Qaeda.” He made it all one word, with a C.
When Trump realized people were making fun of him, he sent out a tweet. He said... “IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH MY SPELLING, YOU CAN LEAF!”
Today is the 50th anniversary of the Apollo 11 launch, when we first went to the moon. Back then, everyone held their breath and nobody knew if we’d make it -- today, that’s called “Flying Southwest.”
Iggy Azalea’s upcoming concerts will have a “Twerk Pit,” which is like a mosh pit, but for twerking. Even crazier, she got the idea from Kenny G.
Last night was the Fantasy Suite episode of “The Bachelorette,” and we found out that Hannah slept with Peter inside a windmill. Meanwhile, a dad taking his kids mini-golfing was like, “Uhh, let’s just skip this hole!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.17.19
We’re in the middle of a giant heat wave right now, with temperatures in the 90s. It’s crazy out there, I sat on a bench for two minutes -- when I got up, my pants had grill marks.
Officials are telling people that beer is not a good way to stay hydrated, and that you should drink water. When New Yorkers heard that, they were like, “Okay, Coors Light it is!”
The heat could cause another blackout here in New York. Think about that when you’re stepping into an elevator with your annoying co-worker.
Officials think there will be more blackouts at some point. They know something bad is coming, but they can’t say when -- it’s pretty much like following Trump on Twitter.
Last night, the House approved a resolution to condemn Trump’s racist tweets. It was the first time it’s happened since William Howard Taft. When he heard that, Trump was like, “Wow – what did HE tweet?!””
Today, the Mexican drug lord “El Chapo” was sentenced to life in prison, and he has to turn over 12.6 billion dollars in drug money. Then Trump was like, “SEE! I told you Mexico would pay for the wall.”
Taco Bell just came out with a new burrito that’s made with the world’s hottest pepper, the Carolina Reaper. It’s for people who walk into Taco Bell and think, “How can I make this bad decision even worse?”
The owners of a Miami restaurant called “Bacon Bitch" are suing the owners of a San Diego restaurant called “Breakfast Bitch” for stealing their idea. Experts say it could be the first case where a judge asks, “How do you bitches plead?”
A man in Belgium who just set a Guinness World Record for sitting on a toilet for 116 straight hours. He wasn’t trying to break the record, he just ate Taco Bell’s new Carolina Reaper Burrito.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.18.19
The whole country is still in the middle of this giant heat wave, and here in New York, the humidity is close to 100 percent! It’s so humid, tonight's crowd is just last night's crowd, still stuck to their chairs.
During a heat wave, experts say it’s important to check-in on the elderly. That’s why today, Bernie Sanders’ phone has been ringing off the hook.
You’ve gotta be careful out there. If you feel nauseous or have a headache, either you’ve got heat stroke, OR you watched last night’s Trump rally.
The president’s rally made a lot of news. After he started the week tweeting that four Congresswomen should “go back” to where they came from, his supporters turned it into a pretty awful chant.
First it was “Lock her up,” now it’s “Send her back.” At this point, it’s like a racist Bop-It.
A lot of people got upset, so today, Trump tried to distance himself from the chant. He was like, “It is wrong. That’s why I only let them do it for eight or nine minutes.”
He’s trying to distance himself from something he created -- it’s the same thing he did with Eric and Don Jr.
Netflix is losing subscribers, and they said 130,000 people have stopped watching. Yeah, it happened after one guy changed his password.
A woman who ordered a Moana cake for her daughter got a marijuana one instead. Meanwhile, at a stoner’s birthday party, they were like, “Who’s this little Hawaiian girl?”
You can book the Wienermobile on Airbnb. It’s the only hotel that shrinks when it’s cold out.
The couple had a snake, booze, a gun, and uranium! When asked where they got all that, they were like,“Walmart.”
A family in Texas just realized their vacation photos were photo-bombed by a topless woman. They knew something was up when their son ran up to his room with the family album and locked the door.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: July 19 – July 26

Friday, July 19: Guests include Chrissy Teigen, Bashir Salahuddin and Diallo Riddle and musical guest Aldous Harding. OAD 6/24/19

Monday, July 22: Guests include David Spade, Jeff Foxworthy and musical guest Red Hearse. Show 1094

Tuesday, July 23: Guests include Octavia Spencer, Fred Armisen and musical guest YBN Cordae ft. Anderson .Paak Show 1095

Wednesday, July 24: Guests include Naomi Watts, Mike Birbiglia and musical guest Midland. Show 1096

**Thursday, July 25: Guests include Science Demo: Kevin Delaney, Zachary Quinto, Betty Gilpin and Mike Vecchione. Show 1097

**Friday, July 26: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Jonas Brothers and musical guest Jonas Brothers. OAD 6/12/19

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: July 17 – July 24

Wednesday, July 17: Guests include Joel McHale, Marc Maron, Blake Griffin and Dusty Slay. Show 1092

Thursday, July 18: Guests include Kenan Thompson, Joe Manganiello and musical guest Robyn. Show 1093

Friday, July 19: Guests include Chrissy Teigen, Bashir Salahuddin and Diallo Riddle and musical guest Aldous Harding. OAD 6/24/19

Monday, July 22: Guests include David Spade, Jeff Foxworthy and musical guest Red Hearse. Show 1094

Tuesday, July 23: Guests include Octavia Spencer, Fred Armisen and musical guest YBN Cordae ft. Anderson .Paak Show 1095

**Wednesday, July 24: Guests include Naomi Watts, Mike Birbiglia and musical guest Midland. Show 1096

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: July 16 – July 23

Tuesday, July 16: Guests include Chance The Rapper, Special Cameo by Jennifer Lopez, David Crosby & Cameron Crowe and musical guest David Crosby. Show 1091

**Wednesday, July 17: Guests include Joel McHale, Marc Maron, Blake Griffin and Dusty Slay. Show 1092

Thursday, July 18: Guests include Kenan Thompson, Joe Manganiello and musical guest Robyn. Show 1093

**Friday, July 19: Guests include Chrissy Teigen, Bashir Salahuddin and Diallo Riddle and musical guest Aldous Harding. OAD 6/24/19

**Monday, July 22: Guests include David Spade, Jeff Foxworthy and musical guest Red Hearse. Show 1094

**Tuesday, July 23: Guests include Octavia Spencer, Fred Armisen and musical guest YBN Cordae ft. Anderson .Paak Show 1095

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: July 12 – July 19

Friday, July 12: Guests include Gabrielle Union, DJ Khaled and musical guest Vampire Weekend. OAD 5/17/19

Monday, July 15: Guests include Jesse Eisenberg, Fran Lebowitz and musical guest Denzel Curry. Show 1090

**Tuesday, July 16: Guests include Chance The Rapper, Special Cameo by Jennifer Lopez, David Crosby & Cameron Crowe and musical guest David Crosby. Show 1091

Wednesday, July 17: Guests include Joel McHale, Marc Maron and Dusty Slay. Show 1092

Thursday, July 18: Guests include Kenan Thompson, Joe Manganiello and musical guest Robyn. Show 1093

Friday, July 19: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Jonas Brothers and musical guest Jonas Brothers. OAD 6/12/19

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: July 11 – July 19

Thursday, July 11: Guests include Madonna, Guy Raz and musical guest Ari Lennox. OAD 6/20/19

Friday, July 12: Guests include Gabrielle Union, DJ Khaled and musical guest Vampire Weekend. OAD 5/17/19

**Monday, July 15: Guests include Jesse Eisenberg, Fran Lebowitz and musical guest Denzel Curry. Show 1090

**Tuesday, July 16: Guests include Chance The Rapper, David Crosby and Cameron Crowe and musical guest David Crosby. Show 1091

**Wednesday, July 17: Guests include Joel McHale, Marc Maron and Dusty Slay. Show 1092

**Thursday, July 18: Guests include Kenan Thompson, Joe Manganiello and musical guest Robyn. Show 1093

**Friday, July 19: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Jonas Brothers and musical guest Jonas Brothers. OAD 6/12/19

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: July 9 – July 16

Tuesday, July 9: Guests include Keegan-Michael Key, Horatio Sanz, Perry Farrell and musical guest Perry Farrell. OAD 6/17/19

Wednesday, July 10: Guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda, Willie Nelson, Adam Devine and musical guest Willie Nelson. OAD 6/18/19

Thursday, July 11: Guests include Madonna, Guy Raz and musical guest Ari Lennox. OAD 6/20/19

Friday, July 12: Guests include Gabrielle Union, DJ Khaled and musical guest Vampire Weekend. OAD 5/17/19

**Monday, July 15: Guests include Joel McHale, Fran Lebowitz and musical guest Denzel Curry. Show 1090

**Tuesday, July 16: Guests include Chance The Rapper, David Crosby and Cameron Crowe. Show 1091

These listings are subject to change.
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QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' June 24 – June 27

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.24.19
Last night, the brother-sister team the Flying Wallendas walked across a tight rope 25-stories above Times Square. Even more impressive -- they were stuck behind a slow-walking group of tourists.
Things got really tense. At one point, they almost fell when their buzzer from Bubba Gump Shrimp started vibrating.
The very first Democratic debates are this week down in Miami. Most of the candidates are busy with debate prep, while Bernie Sanders spent the day on the beach with a metal detector.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.25.19
Guys, it is summer, and here in New York City, it’s actually supposed to be in the high 80s, low 90s and humid all week! For the five-day forecast on the local news, instead of showing the sun, they just use five middle finger emojis.
We’re just one day away from the very first Democratic presidential debate -- and it’s right here on NBC. I love that it’s on NBC, cuz we do things a little differently. Anytime the moderators like what they hear, they press a button and their chair spins around.
You know the debate’s on NBC, cuz it’s set now in Chicago.
Tomorrow is the first of two debates, and we get to see 10 candidates. I read that the better you’re doing in the polls, the closer to center stage you get to stand. So Elizabeth Warren and Beto O’Rourke will be in the middle, while Bill de Blasio will be watching from home in his living room.
Tomorrow the big names are Elizabeth Warren and Beto O’Rourke. If things go well for Warren, she might catch Biden in the polls, and if things go well for Beto, ABC might make him “The Bachelor.”
Today we found out that the replacement for Sarah Huckabee Sanders will be a woman named Stephanie Grisham. There was a lovely ceremony today when Sarah handed Stephanie the keys to the liquor cabinet.
Things are getting ugly between the US and Iran. I guess after Iran insulted him today, Trump tweeted, “Iran’s very ignorant and insulting statement, put out today, only shows that they do not understand reality…” Trump was like, “No one understands reality better than your reality star president.
He then went on to tweet, “Any attack by Iran on anything American will be met with great and overwhelming force. In some areas, overwhelming will mean obliteration.” Then Iran was like, “Okay -- who gave Trump a thesaurus?”
A new study found that drinking coffee can help burn fat. America was like, “Great! I’ll have TWO mocha frappuccinos with whipped cream and sprinkles.” 

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.26.19
The debate was right here on NBC, and there was a lot of excitement in the building. It felt just like the Super Bowl -- you know, if 20 teams played the game over two nights and the winner wasn’t decided for another year.
We’re live and we just watched the first Democratic debate down in Miami! If you missed it, here’s what happened...There were 10 Democrats on stage, and to qualify, all a candidate needed was to poll at 1-percent or higher. That’s it?! I mean, even O.J. is at two percent.
Beto and Booker both spoke Spanish. But it's not that crazy because Miami has a large Spanish speaking community. I just hope that the next debate is in Boston so I can hear them say, "We need free college for anyone who is wicked smaht!"
As expected Elizabeth Warren and Cory Booker did well tonight, but I actually thought Bill de Blasio did a pretty good job too. Then New Yorkers were like, “Where the hell has this friggin’ guy been?!”
Trump tweeted and called the debate “boring,” but he still watched, even though he called it a, quote, "very unexciting group of people," as opposed to the rock stars he usually hangs with like Mike Pence and Steve Mnuchin.
I think I know why Trump’s upset. He’s probably jealous of the Democrats if you think about it. They got to be on TV, they got to talk about themselves, and they got to be in Florida. 

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.27.19
We are coming to you live from New York City, and Nicki Minaj is my guest tonight! Nicki’s gonna be on live -- which means right now, the NBC censor is breathing into a paper bag.
Tonight was the second Democratic debate -- or as nine candidates called it, “Operation: Destroy Joe Biden.”
There was a 40-year age difference between tonight’s candidates, ranging from 37 to 77. With Pete Buttigieg next to Biden it looked like “Take Your Kid To Work” Day.
Speaking of Buttigieg, he said Democrats need to move the party forward, and claimed his opponents want to “return to the 1990s.” Hey Pete – the top movies right now are “Toy Story,” “Men In Black,” and “Aladdin” -- we’re already back in the 90s.
In addition to the frontrunners, we also got to know some of the underdogs, and early on, a lot of people noticed that one of them, Andrew Yang, wasn’t wearing a tie. When he realized you could go casual, Biden tried to take off his pants.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: June 28 – July 12

Friday, June 28: Guests include Selena Gomez, Elaine Welteroth and musical guest Goldlink Ft. Maleek Berry. OAD 6/11/19

Monday, July 1: Guests include Ryan Reynolds, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and musical guest Protoje. OAD 5/2/19

Tuesday, July 2: Guests include Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Joel Kinnaman and a performance by the Broadway cast of Ain’t Too Proud. OAD 3/21/19

Wednesday, July 3: Guests include Amy Poehler, Ryan Eggold and musical guest Vampire Weekend. OAD 5/7/19

**Thursday, July 4: Guests include Millie Bobby Brown, Finn Wolfhard, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin, Noah Schnapp, and Sadie Sink, Ramy Youssef, and Ivan Orkin. OAD 6/14/19

**Friday, July 5: Guests include Sting, KJ Apa and musical guest Sting. OAD 4/26/19

**Monday, July 8: Guests include Kate Beckinsale, Ralph Macchio, and Rudy Francisco. OAD 4/17/19

**Tuesday, July 9: Guests include Keegan-Michael Key, Horatio Sanz, Perry Farrell and musical guest Perry Farrell. OAD 6/17/19

**Wednesday, July 10: Guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda, Willie Nelson, Adam Devine and musical guest Willie Nelson. OAD 6/18/19

**Thursday, July 11: Guests include Madonna, Guy Raz and musical guest Ari Lennox. OAD 6/20/19

**Friday, July 12: Guests include Gabrielle Union, DJ Khaled and musical guest Vampire Weekend. OAD 5/17/19

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: June 28 – July 12

Friday, June 28: Guests include Selena Gomez, Elaine Welteroth and musical guest Goldlink Ft. Maleek Berry. OAD 6/11/19

Monday, July 1: Guests include Ryan Reynolds, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and musical guest Protoje. OAD 5/2/19

Tuesday, July 2: Guests include Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Joel Kinnaman and a performance by the Broadway cast of Ain’t Too Proud. OAD 3/21/19

Wednesday, July 3: Guests include Amy Poehler, Ryan Eggold and musical guest Vampire Weekend. OAD 5/7/19

**Thursday, July 4: Guests include Millie Bobby Brown, Finn Wolfhard, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin, Noah Schnapp, and Sadie Sink, Ramy Youssef, and Ivan Orkin. OAD 6/14/19

**Friday, July 5: Guests include Sting, KJ Apa and musical guest Sting. OAD 4/26/19

**Monday, July 8: Guests include Kate Beckinsale, Ralph Macchio, and Rudy Francisco. OAD 4/17/19

**Tuesday, July 9: Guests include Keegan-Michael Key, Horatio Sanz, Perry Farrell and musical guest Perry Farrell. OAD 6/17/19

**Wednesday, July 10: Guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda, Willie Nelson, Adam Devine and musical guest Willie Nelson. OAD 6/18/19

**Thursday, July 11: Guests include Madonna, Guy Raz and musical guest Ari Lennox. OAD 6/20/19

**Friday, July 12: Guests include Gabrielle Union, DJ Khaled and musical guest Vampire Weekend. OAD 5/17/19

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: June 26 – July 3

Wednesday, June 26: LIVE: Guests include Daisy Ridley, Colin Quinn, musical guest Little Big Town. Show 1088

Thursday, June 27: LIVE: Guests include Nicki Minaj, Phoebe Robinson and musical guest Julia Michaels. Show 1089

Friday, June 28: Guests include Selena Gomez, Elaine Welteroth and musical guest Goldlink Ft. Maleek Berry. OAD 6/11/19

**Monday, July 1: Guests include Ryan Reynolds, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and musical guest Protoje. OAD 5/2/19

**Tuesday, July 2: Guests include Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Joel Kinnaman and a performance by the Broadway cast of Ain’t Too Proud. OAD 3/21/19

**Wednesday, July 3: Guests include Amy Poehler, Ryan Eggold and musical guest Vampire Weekend. OAD 5/7/19

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: June 24 – 28

Monday, June 24: Guests include Chrissy Teigen, Bashir Salahuddin and Diallo Riddle and musical guest Aldous Harding. Show 1086

Tuesday, June 25: Guests include Trevor Noah, Sebastian Maniscalco and Penn & Teller. Show 1087

Wednesday, June 26: Guests include Daisy Ridley, Colin Quinn, musical guest Little Big Town. Show 1088

Thursday, June 27: Guests include Nicki Minaj, Phoebe Robinson and musical guest Julia Michaels. Show 1089

**Friday, June 28: Guests include Selena Gomez, Elaine Welteroth and musical guest Goldlink Ft. Maleek Berry. OAD 6/11/19

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' June 17 – June 20

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.17.19

I hope everyone had a great Father’s Day! Like a lot of people, I spent the day on FaceTime, looking up my dad’s nose.

O.J. Simpson joined Twitter. If you thought Trump on Twitter was scary – wait until you get a notification that says, “O.J. Simpson is now following you.”

O.J. made a Twitter account, and he’s already got over 600 thousand followers. That’s more followers than when he was driving the White Bronco.

Even crazier -- O.J. just got a message from Trump asking if he’d be the White House Press Secretary.

The big news about the president right now is his interview with George Stephanopoulos. Last night, ABC aired a special called “President Trump: 30 Hours,” about the two days they spent together. I mean, 30 hours! They were together at the White House, then they took a trip on Air Force One, then they rode in Trump’s limo. It was like an “overnight date” on the Bachelorette.

Later this year, Domino’s is gonna start testing self-driving delivery cars. Yeah, self-driving delivery cars. If your pizza doesn’t crash into your house in less than 30 minutes, it’s free.

Pillsbury is recalling bags of flour due to an outbreak of E-Coli. So if you poke the Doughboy’s stomach, trust me, it’s not gonna be laughter that comes out.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.18.19

Trump launched his 2020 campaign with a huge rally. It was going well, until Trump started kicking out every person who coughed. “Get out! You in the balcony, get out!”

Trump drew a big crowd. He said thousands of supporters were lined up outside the arena two days before the rally. It’s kind of a strange thing to brag about. On one hand, thousands of people waited two days to see you, but on the other hand, none of them have jobs.

Facebook is coming out with its own cryptocurrency called “Libra.” Yeah, the company that can’t even keep your data safe now wants to keep your money. It’s like someone dropping a carton of eggs, then asking if they can hold your baby.

A United flight from Italy to Newark was infested with ants, after a bunch of them spilled out of a passenger’s carry-on. The other passengers were like, “We had to throw out our shampoo, but that guy got to bring ants??”

Actually, it explains the new slogan for Spirit Airlines “Spirit: Somehow We’re Not The Ones Infested With Ants.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.19.19

We are just two days away from the official start of summer! Which means kids are forced to take those summer jobs nobody else wants -- pool cleaner, delivery boy, White House Press Secretary.

Last night was the president’s first official 2020 campaign rally and festival – or as his supporters were calling it, “Wall-a-palooza.”

Trump filled up an arena in Orlando and gave a big speech. He spent most of the time bashing immigrants, journalists and Hillary Clinton. Meanwhile, everyone watching at home was like, “Is this a summer rerun? I’ve seen this before.”

The White House says Trump is gonna keep using the slogan “Make America Great Again,” and wearing his usual red hat. It’s like when your kid only wants to wear that one superhero outfit to school, and you’re like, “Whatever gets you on the bus.”

Trump is doing his first interview with Telemundo, and it’ll air tomorrow night. It’ll be a little different. For example, ABC’s interview was called “President Trump: 30 Hours,” and this one’s called, “El Presidente Loco.”

Trump is sitting down with Telemundo. It’ll be awkward when the reporter says, “Buenas dias,” and Trump’s like, “Oh, are you related to Cameron Diaz?”

A lot of people are surprised that Trump would get together with a Spanish-speaking channel, but the president was like, “If Katy Perry and Taylor Swift can make up, so can we.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.20.19

Tomorrow is the official start of summer! I’m very excited -- but my legs are still so pale. They’re so white, I’ve nicknamed them “Utah” and “NPR.”

My legs are so white they could have their own show on Fox News.

The big story now is Iran. Apparently this morning, Iran shot down a U.S. drone. When they told the president, he was like, “Oh my God, they got Mike Pence?!” They go, “No no, that drone is fine!”

Iran shot down an unmanned drone, they said they wanted to send America a “clear message,” but Trump was like, “Everyone knows if you wanna send the U.S. a message, you do it on Twitter. Everyone knows that!”

An Iranian General named Hossein Salami says they’re ready for war. Trump’s already got troops in Turkey ready for action, but Putin’s warning the White House against a conflict. So if you’re keeping track: we’ve got Salami and turkey on white, hold the Russian.

Reporters asked Trump if the U.S. is gonna strike back at Iran, and Trump said, “You’ll soon find out.” That’s reassuring – the president is treating war with Iran like a cliffhanger on “The Bachelorette.”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: June 20 – June 27

Thursday, June 20: Guests include Madonna, Guy Raz and musical guest Ari Lennox. Show 1085

Friday, June 21: Guests include Tina Fey, Robert Irwin & Animals and musical guest Florida Georgia Line. OAD 2/25/2019

**Monday, June 24: Guests include Chrissy Teigen, Bashir Salahuddin and Diallo Riddle and musical guest Aldous Harding. Show 1086

**Tuesday, June 25: Guests include Trevor Noah, Sebastian Maniscalco and Penn & Teller. Show 1087

**Wednesday, June 26: Guests include Daisy Ridley, Colin Quinn, musical guest Little Big Town. Show 1088

**Thursday, June 27: Guests include Nicki Minaj, Phoebe Robinson and musical guest Julia Michaels. Show 1089

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: June 18 – June 25

Tuesday, June 18: Guests include Willie Nelson, Adam Devine and musical guest Willie Nelson. Show 1083

Wednesday, June 19: Guests include Michael Strahan, Nikki & Brie Bella and musical guest Sleater-Kinney. Show 1084

**Thursday, June 20: Guests include Madonna, Guy Raz and musical guest Ari Lennox. Show 1085

**Friday, June 21: Guests include Tina Fey, Robert Irwin & Animals and musical guest Florida Georgia Line. OAD 2/25/2019

**Monday, June 24: Guests include Chrissy Teigen and musical guest Aldous Harding. Show 1086

**Tuesday, June 25: Guests include Trevor Noah, Bashir Salahuddin and Diallo Riddle and Penn & Teller. Show 1087

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' June 10 – June 14

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.10.19

President Trump is back in Washington after his trip to the UK, and like every American who goes abroad, now he’s speaking with a fake British accent. “Cheerio. Bring me some Honey Nut Cheerios!”

The race for 2020 is in full swing, and at an event in Iowa yesterday, 19 different Democrats gave speeches, one after the other, and it took over three hours. People in Iowa were like, “We’ve never been this bored -- and we live in Iowa.”

Pretty much every candidate was in Iowa, and they were doing everything they could for attention. Pete Buttigeig played keyboard, Beto O’Rourke ran a 5K, while Bernie Sanders wandered into a corn maze and has been missing ever since. “Get off me, I’m not a scarecrow!!”

I saw that Chris Pratt just got married to Katherine Schwarzenegger. It was beautiful a wedding – my favorite part was when Arnold told all the guests, “Get to the chapel!”

He paid for the wedding, do you know what he said? He said, “I’ll be broke.”

He walked his daughter down the aisle and then he said, “Hasta la vista, baby.”

Krispy Kreme said they’re gonna build a giant location in Times Square with a “glaze waterfall.” So if you see a sticky puddle next to Times Square Elmo...most likely it’s glaze from Krispy Kreme Times Square waterfall.

A Spirit Airlines passenger has been banned for life after a flight attendant caught him vaping on the plane. When he found out, the guy was like, “Oh no, now I’ll never be able to fly... Spirit Airlines.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.11.19

The race for 2020 is heating up, and I saw that today, President Trump campaigned in Iowa. Yeah, Trump looked over the cornfields and said, “Wow, I can’t believe that one day, all these plants will become corndogs.”

While Trump was in Iowa, Joe Biden was also there at same time. It’s very interesting--usually when two guys over 70 go on the same trip, it’s a movie starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman.

Walmart just announced that their employees are getting new vests. Yeah, here’s what happened – Walmart asked employees, “What does everyone want?” And they all said, “A livable wage!” Then they’re like, “Okay! Vests it is! New vests it is, everyone gets a new vest!”

I read that Mike Tyson wants to build a “marijuana resort” with a music stage and a lazy river, where you can smoke weed anywhere in the park. Or as that’s also known: Six Flags.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.12.19

Chris Hemsworth is here! The Jonas Brothers are here! I love Chris Hemsworth! When I talk to him, it’s like I’m looking in a mirror.

Everybody’s excited about the World Cup and the U.S. women’s national soccer team. That game was amazing, they beat Thailand 13-nothing! People in Thailand were like, “How could you do this after we made your uniforms!”

You’ve gotta feel for Thailand, that’s a tough way to start the tournament. It’s the worst thing to happen to a Thai soccer team that didn’t involve getting trapped in a cave.

Trump said that he’s sending more troops to Poland, and get this. The Polish president actually said they should call the U.S. base “Fort Trump,” but Trump said no, cuz that’s the name of the blankets stretched between two couches in the Oval Office.

Trump’s also been talking with France lately. French President Emmanuel Macron sent him a new “friendship tree” after the one they planted together died. For this tree, Macron also sent a note that said... “Don’t water it with Diet Coke.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.13.19

I wanna say congrats to the St. Louis Blues, who won the Stanley Cup last night! Last night, everybody in St. Louis went nuts -- they got drunk, and flipped over the Arch, it was unbelievable!

The Blues beat the Boston Bruins in Game 7! It was tough for people in Boston -- they were like, “We might not win another championship for three to four months!”

The big story today is this new interview President Trump did with George Stephanopoulos. The president let him spend two full days with him at the White House, and after two days, Trump STILL couldn’t say Stephanopoulos. “Snuffleupagus? George Snuffleupagus.”

Trump said you don’t have to tell the FBI if a foreign government contacts you. He said it’s just good manners -- a gentleman doesn’t collude and tell.

A lot of people are concerned that Trump just gave Russia a “green light” to interfere in 2020. In response, Putin was like, “Please, like I need his permission.”

This morning, Trump sent a tweet about Prince Charles, but when he wrote the official title -- Prince of Wales -- Trump spelled “Wales” wrong. He added an H, so he wrote…“Prince of Whales.”

Trump was like, “Prince Charles is in charge of all the whales. He’s basically a British Aquaman.”

Trump apologized for the mistake by tweeting...“Sorry, Prince of Wales! Sincerely, Prince of Walls.”

The White House announced that Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders will be leaving her job at the end of the month. In a statement, Sanders said… nothing, as usual.

When reporters asked the President who his new Press Secretary would be, he was like, “Twitter.”

A new study found that several types of cereal, including Peanut Butter Cheerios, actually contain chemicals from weed killer. It’s interesting – cuz usually you only eat Peanut Butter Cheerios after some killer weed.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.14.19

This Sunday is Father’s Day! Is everyone excited? I love Father’s Day. It’s that special day each year where you call up dad, get a few one-word answers, then go, “Well, good talking to you! All right, bye.”

But you’ve gotta call your dad on Father’s Day -- mainly because he has no idea how to text.

I read that Americans spend 40 percent less on Father’s Day than they do on Mother’s Day. I can’t believe it’s that close. On Mother’s Day, you do flowers, brunch, and jewelry. For Father’s Day it’s an air freshener from 7-Eleven.

I heard that one the most popular gifts for dads is a home DNA testing kit. So be sure to pick one up if you want a great Father’s Day, or a really awkward one.

A lot of people are shopping for that perfect Father’s Day card, and while there are lots of good choices, there are also some very unpopular cards out there. I’ll show you what I mean.

For instance, this card says..."I Don’t Know How You Do It...” Open it up and it says..."But You’re Single-Handedly Keeping ‘New Balance’ In Business.”

This card says..."We Can Always Count On You...” Open it up and it says..."To Ask How We Want Our Burgers, And Then Cook Them All Well Done.”

This card says..."You Always Put Your Best Foot Forward...” Open it up and it says..."And It’s Always Wearing Socks With Sandals.”

Not only is it Father’s Day this weekend, it’s also the U.S. Open out at Pebble Beach. Yeah, dad can spend all weekend playing golf AND watching golf – so basically, for one day, every dad will feel what it’s like to be president.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: June 14 – June 20

Friday, June 14: Guests include Millie Bobby Brown, Finn Wolfhard, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin, Noah Schnapp, and Sadie Sink, Ramy Youssef, and Ivan Orkin. Show 1081

Monday, June 17: Guests include Keegan-Michael Key, Horatio Sanz, Perry Farrell and musical guest Perry Farrell. Show 1082

Tuesday, June 18: Guests include Willie Nelson, Adam Devine and musical guest Willie Nelson. Show 1083

Wednesday, June 19: Guests include Michael Strahan, Nikki & Brie Bella and musical guest Sleater-Kinney. Show 1084

**Thursday, June 20: Guests include Madonna and musical guest Ari Lennox. Show 1085

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: June 12 – June 19

Wednesday, June 12: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Jonas Brothers and musical guest Jonas Brothers. Show 1079

Thursday, June 13: Guests include Sienna Miller, Josh Charles, Ryan Tedder and musical guest One Republic . Show 1080

Friday, June 14: Guests include Millie Bobby Brown, Finn Wolfhard, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin, Noah Schnapp, and Sadie Sink, Ramy Youssef, and Ivan Orkin. Show 1081

Monday, June 17: Guests include Keegan-Michael Key, Horatio Sanz, Perry Farrell and musical guest Perry Farrell. Show 1082

Tuesday, June 18: Guests include Willie Nelson, Adam Devine and musical guest Willie Nelson. Show 1083

**Wednesday, June 19: Guests include Michael Strahan, Nikki & Brie Bella and musical guest Sleater-Kinney. Show 1084

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: June 7 – June 14

Friday, June 7: Guests include Dana Carvey, Emily Ratajkowski and guest Chloe Hilliard. OAD 5/24/19

Monday, June 10: Guests include Shailene Woodley, Brian Tyree Henry and musical guest The National. Show 1077

Tuesday, June 11: Guests include Selena Gomez, Elaine Welteroth and musical guest Goldlink Ft. Maleek Berry. Show 1078

Wednesday, June 12: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Jonas Brothers and musical guest Jonas Brothers. Show 1079

**Thursday, June 13: Guests include Sienna Miller, Josh Charles, Ryan Tedder and musical guest One Republic . Show 1080

**Friday, June 14: Guests include Millie Bobby Brown, Finn Wolfhard, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin, Noah Schnapp, and Sadie Sink, Ramy Youssef, and Ivan Orkin. Show 1081

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: June 5 – June 12

Wednesday, June 5: Guests include Kevin Hart, Beanie Feldstein and musical guest Mabel. OAD 5/21/19

Thursday, June 6: Guests include Alexander Skarsgård, Sebastian Stan and musical guest Fontaines D.C. OAD 5/1/19

Friday, June 7: Guests include Dana Carvey, Emily Ratajkowski and guest Chloe Hilliard. OAD 5/24/19

Monday, June 10: Guests include Shailene Woodley, Brian Tyree Henry and musical guest The National. Show 1077

**Tuesday, June 11: Guests include Selena Gomez, Elaine Welteroth and musical guest Goldlink Ft. Maleek Berry. Show 1078

**Wednesday, June 12: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Jonas Brothers and musical guest Jonas Brothers. Show 1079

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: June 3 – June 10

Friday, May 31: Guests include Emma Thompson, Sophie Turner, Paula Pell and Amirah Kassem. OAD 5/10/19

Monday, June 3: Guests include Harrison Ford, Richard Madden and musical guest Bazzi. OAD 5/23/19

Tuesday, June 4: From Puerto Rico guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda & a performance from the cast of “Hamilton,” José Andrés, musical guests Bad Bunny, José Feliciano and Ozuna. OAD 1/15/19

Wednesday, June 5: Guests include Kevin Hart, Beanie Feldstein and musical guest Mabel. OAD 5/21/19

**Thursday, June 6: Guests include Alexander Skarsgård, Sebastian Stan and musical guest Fontaines D.C. OAD 5/1/19

**Friday, June 7: Guests include Dana Carvey, Emily Ratajkowski and guest Chloe Hilliard. OAD 5/24/19

**Monday, June 10: Guests include Shailene Woodley, Brian Tyree Henry and musical guest The National. Show 1077

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 29 – June 5

Wednesday, May 29: Guests include Brie Larson, Wyatt Cenac and musical guest Wu-Tang Clan. OAD 4/24/19

Thursday, May 30: Guests include Will Smith, Laurie Metcalf and Phil Hanley. OAD 5/6/19

Friday, May 31: Guests include Emma Thompson, Sophie Turner, Paula Pell and Amirah Kassem. OAD 5/10/19

**Monday, June 3: Guests include Harrison Ford, Richard Madden and musical guest Bazzi. OAD 5/23/19

**Tuesday, June 4: From Puerto Rico guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda & a performance from the cast of “Hamilton,” José Andrés, musical guests Bad Bunny, José Feliciano and Ozuna. OAD 1/15/19

**Wednesday, June 5: Guests include Kevin Hart, Beanie Feldstein and musical guest Mabel. OAD 5/21/19

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 23 - May 31

Thursday, May 23: Guests include Harrison Ford, Richard Madden and musical guest Bazzi. Show 1075

Friday, May 24: Guests include Dana Carvey, Emily Ratajkowski and guest Chloe Hilliard. Show 1076

Monday, May 27: Guests include Paul Rudd, Diane Guerrero and Leonard Ouzts. OAD 4/25/19

Tuesday, May 28: Guests include Howard Stern and musical guest Of Monsters and Men. OAD 5/15/19

Wednesday, May 29: Guests include Brie Larson, Wyatt Cenac and musical guest Wu-Tang Clan. OAD 4/24/19

**Thursday, May 30: Guests include Will Smith, Laurie Metcalf and Phil Hanley. OAD 5/6/19

**Friday, May 31: Guests include Emma Thompson, Sophie Turner, Paula Pell and Amirah Kassem. OAD 5/10/19

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 22 – May 29

Wednesday, May 22: Guests include Millie Bobby Brown, Jeff Ross, Richard Curtis and musical guest Lang Lang. Show 1074

Thursday, May 23: Guests include Harrison Ford, Richard Madden and musical guest Bazzi. Show 1075

Friday, May 24: Guests include Dana Carvey, Emily Ratajkowski and guest Chloe Hilliard. Show 1076

**Monday, May 27: Guests include Paul Rudd, Diane Guerrero and Leonard Ouzts. OAD 4/25/19

**Tuesday, May 28: Guests include Howard Stern and musical guest Of Monsters and Men. OAD 5/15/19

**Wednesday, May 29: Guests include Brie Larson, Wyatt Cenac and musical guest Wu-Tang Clan. OAD 4/24/19

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' May 13 – May 17

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.13.19

From “This Is Us,” Milo Ventimiglia is my guest tonight! And 2020 presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg is here! Right now, they're both backstage trying to pronounce each other's names.

Everybody’s talking about last night’s all-new episode of “Game of Thrones!” Now I won’t give away any spoilers -- but I will say they killed off the Starbucks cup.

“Game of Thrones” might be winding down, but “The Bachelorette” is just getting started! The season premiere was tonight, and you can tell they’re trying to copy the success of “Game of Thrones,” cuz one of the contestants is her brother.

President Trump is in a trade war with China, and I saw that Chinese officials said that, “No one should expect China to swallow bitter fruit.” Then Trump fired back, “I believe the word is ‘vegetable.’”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.14.19

It’s supposed to be Spring, but today it actually snowed in some parts of the country. People were like, “Where’s Daenerys and her dragon when you NEED them?!”

The president’s trade war isn’t letting up. After he decided to tax things we get from China, they decided to tax things they get from us -- and experts are calling it “tit for tat.” Then Trump was like, “Let’s trade all our tat for tit.”

I read that China already raised tariffs on wine, hair gel, swimsuits, and condoms, and that might not affect you, but it’s gonna cripple the Bachelor mansion.

I saw that the CEO of Bed Bath & Beyond is stepping down. He was supposed to leave Bed Bath & Beyond last month, but he kept seeing things he needed.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.15.19

Howard Stern is my guest tonight! The guy is a legend! He’s known for saying obviously outrageous, shocking, and sometimes even offensive things. With that kind of resumé - he shouldn’t be writing a book – he should be running for president! That’s right, he’s got a new book out, and it’s already a best seller! You can tell the book’s huge cuz for the first time in years, someone actually walked into a Barnes & Noble.

It’s pretty cool. This is the first book Howard’s written in 24 years. One book in 24 years! When he heard that, George R.R. Martin was like, “Wow, this guy is fast!”

Tonight we also have music from “Of Monsters and Men!” Not only is "Of Monsters and Men" a great name for a band, but it’s also how most women describe the Alabama Senate.

Today is May 15th. It’s the day everyone in Alabama set their clocks back 50 years.

Last night, Donald Trump Jr. agreed to testify before a Senate Committee, but only for a maximum of four hours. Apparently that’s as long as Don Jr. can leave Eric outside in the car.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.16.19

After 12 years, today was the final episode of “The Big Bang Theory.” But don’t worry, it was also the beginning of a brand new comedy -- Bill de Blasio’s presidential campaign.

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio joined the race, and a lot of people were surprised cuz his poll numbers are pretty bad. Right now, just 21 percent of New Yorkers support him running. To put that in perspective, 22 percent of New Yorkers support a wet seat on the subway.

I heard that right after he made his announcement, de Blasio left to go campaign in Iowa. Then when he got stuck at LaGuardia for six hours, he was like, “Friggin’ de Blasio!”

Today, President Trump revealed his new immigration plan. Not for the border -- he’s trying to stop every woman from leaving Alabama.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle might be raising their new baby to be a vegan. So what a day that’ll be – finding out you’re a prince, but then finding out you’re vegan.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.17.19

Let’s talk about this new law in Alabama. After they passed a bill restricting women’s reproductive rights, I saw that Missouri passed something similar. The lawmakers are proud of themselves now, but that’ll change when they look around like, “Hey, where’d all the women go?”

Even televangelist Pat Robertson said the Alabama law goes “too far.” Pat Robertson! That’s like Snoop Dogg telling Seth Rogen, “Bro, ease up on the weed.”

This week in New Hampshire, Joe Biden went to a house party where he told a group of supporters that he wants to decriminalize marijuana, and then a group of people out on the back deck were like, “Way ahead of you, buddy!”

I heard about a conservative radio station in Connecticut that’s renaming itself “Trump 103.3,” which is fitting, cuz that’s also what Trump tells people his approval rating is.

One of the big movies out this weekend is “A Dog’s Journey,” and I heard it’s been making everyone cry. Though it’s weird when you see someone crying and you’re like, “A Dog’s Journey?” and they’re like, “No, ‘Detective Pikachu.’”

“A Dog’s Journey” is in theaters, and so is “John Wick: Chapter 3.” But if you saw the first John Wick, you know “A Dog’s Journey” does not end well.

A couple at a restaurant in the UK ordered some regular wine, but their server accidentally gave them a 6,000 dollar bottle, and then the waiter was like, “Can I close out your check now, cuz I’m about to be fired.”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 17 – May 24

**Friday, May 17: Guests include Gabrielle Union, DJ Khaled and musical guest Vampire Weekend. Show 1071

Monday, May 20: Guests include John Lithgow, J Balvin and musical guest Sean Paul & J Balvin. Show 1072

Tuesday, May 21: Guests include Kevin Hart, Beanie Feldstein and musical guest Mabel. Show 1073

**Wednesday, May 22: Guests include Millie Bobby Brown, Jeff Ross, Richard Curtis and musical guest Lang Lang. Show 1074

**Thursday, May 23: Guests include Harrison Ford, Richard Madden and musical guest Bazzi. Show 1075

** Friday, May 24: Guests include Dana Carvey, Emily Ratajkowski and guest Chloe Hilliard. Show 1076

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 14 – May 21

Tuesday, May 14: Guests include Jeff Daniels, Maluma and musical guest Maluma. Show 1068

Wednesday, May 15: Guests include Howard Stern and musical guest Of Monsters and Men. Show 1069

Thursday, May 16: Guests include Jessica Alba, Yara Shahidi and musical guest The Head and The Heart. Show 1070

Friday, May 17: Guests include Gabrielle Union and DJ Khaled. Show 1071

**Monday, May 20: Guests include John Lithgow, J Balvin and musical guest Sean Paul & J Balvin. Show 1072

**Tuesday, May 21: Guests include Kevin Hart, Beanie Feldstein and musical guest Mabel. Show 1073

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' May 6 – May 10

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.6.19

Will Smith is our guest tonight! So between him and the new Royal Baby that makes TWO Fresh Princes.

I wanna say congrats to Meghan Markle and Prince Harry -- today, they welcomed a baby boy! The minute he was born, he looked at his parents, and said, “Ed Sheeran and the lady from Suits?!”

I read that the new baby is seventh in line for the throne. So the only way he’ll be king is if the Kentucky Derby judges disqualify everyone else.

Everyone’s still talking about the Kentucky Derby. It was crazy! The winner -- Maximum Security -- was disqualified after he made a wide turn and wandered into another horse’s lane. Afterward, the horse was like, “Yeah I had couple mint juleps before the race. So what?!” ”You think you’re better than me?”

On Friday, Trump called Vladimir Putin, and they spoke for over an hour. Yeah, it was an hour of Trump rambling, and an hour of Putin trying different lines to end the conversation. “Okay, then...Yes, well, I should get going...Wow, look at time...”

Today, the president’s former lawyer, Michael Cohen, reported to prison. And I heard he’s in the same prison as The Situation from “Jersey Shore” and the guy who started the Fyre Festival. I don’t know about you guys, but I’d totally watch that reality show.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.7.19

It is Teacher Appreciation Day and our entire audience is filled with New York City school teachers! But before we get started -- If I see any of you playing Fortnite, I’m taking your phone.

For teachers, there are only three things better than Teacher Appreciation Day and they are: June, July, and August.

Amy Poehler is here! She stars in the new movie “Wine Country,” or as my audience calls that, “The teacher’s lounge.”

Today, a lot of businesses had deals to celebrate teachers, like “Buy One, Get One Free” burritos at Chipotle. Cuz nothing says “Thank you for shaping the future of this country” like a free burrito. Teachers could get a free burrito at Chipotle, a free sandwich at Arby’s, and a free meal at Applebee’s. Yeah, Chipotle, Arby’s, and Applebee’s -- even the lunch ladies were like, “I wouldn’t put any of that in my body.”

Today, a lot of politicians went on social media to thank their favorite teachers. Yeah, Elizabeth Warren thanked her 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Lee. While President Trump thanked his favorite teacher, Mr. Feeny from “Boy Meets World.”

All day, teachers were like, “It would be cool if my famous students mentioned me.” While all of Betsy DeVos’s teachers were like, “Oh God, I hope she doesn’t mention me!”

A new poll just came out that shows Joe Biden has a giant, 32-point lead over Bernie Sanders. Then a horse in Kentucky was like, “Enjoy the lead while you can.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.8.19

Big news, today, we finally found out the name of the Royal Baby! Yeah, Meghan Markle and Prince Harry have decided to name him “Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor.” Even Benedict Cumberbatch was like, “That is a mouthful!”

But it’s true, the new baby’s name is Archie! Apparently, the Royals love the show "Riverdale," so it was either gonna be “Archie” or “Jughead.”

“Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor.” People didn’t see that coming. Right now, guys who bet on the name are calling their wives like, “Honey, you know that money I lost at the Derby? Well, I didn’t win it back.”

Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor, it sounds like a British slip-and-fall law firm.

Even though the Royal Baby’s only three days old, he’s already paid more taxes than President Trump.

Trump basically set a record by losing over a billion dollars. It’s crazy -- if you combine Trump and the Avengers, you break even.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.9.19

We are just a few days away from Mother’s day and I saw that on Sunday, if you bring your mom to Hooters, she can eat for free. Here’s how that breaks down: It’s one day of free food, then 364 days of apologizing.

The big story is that the Senate Intelligence Committee has subpoenaed Donald Trump Jr. so he’ll testify about the Russia investigation. When Don Jr. asked his dad, “What’s a subpoena?” the president was like, “She’s a teenage witch.”

It’s the first time a president’s kid has even been subpoenaed. And it’s also the first time Don Jr.’s ever been picked for something before Ivanka.

Last night in North Korea, Kim Jong Un fired two missiles. It’s impressive, cuz most guys just fall asleep after firing one.

A chef was going through customs at the airport in Los Angeles when he got caught with a bag full of piranhas. But they let him go when he was like, “Those are my emotional support piranhas.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.10.19

It’s the weekend and this Sunday is Mother’s Day! I read that people spend eight billion dollars more on Mother's Day than Father's Day. Which makes sense, since brunch and jewelry cost a little more than scratch-off tickets and a six-pack of Coors.

I heard that for Mother’s Day, Americans spend two billion dollars on electronics. Then they spend two billion hours showing their moms how to use them. “No Ma, just say ‘Alexa,’ there’s no phone number to call her! Ma! MA!”

The race for 2020 is heating up, and I read that the founder of LinkedIn is hosting a fundraiser for Cory Booker. Yeah, but if you go to an event for LinkedIn AND a presidential candidate, let me tell you something: your email inbox is about to explode.

The Bachelorette is back on Monday and this is crazy, I read that one of the contestants has fathered 114 children as a sperm donor. That’s insane! But on The Bachelorette, “professional sperm donor” is one of the more respected professions.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 8 – May 15

Wednesday, May 8: Guests include Maya Rudolph, Rita Ora and musical guest Kygo & Rita Ora. Show 1064

Thursday, May 9: Guests include Halle Berry, Chris Kattan and musical guest Luke Combs. Show 1065

**Friday, May 10: Guests include Emma Thompson, Sophie Turner, Paula Pell and Amirah Kassem. Show 1066

**Monday, May 13: Guests include Milo Ventimiglia, Mayor Pete Buttigieg and musical guest Morrissey. Show 1067

**Tuesday, May 14: Guests include Jeff Daniels, Maluma and musical guest Maluma. Show 1068

**Wednesday, May 15: Guests include Howard Stern and musical guest Of Monsters and Men. Show 1069

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' April 29 – May 2

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.29.19

What a weekend! We had “Avengers: Endgame” in theaters, and the Battle of Winterfell on “Game of Thrones!” It was the first time kids had to tell their parents, “Okay, that’s enough screen time.”

Fans had some strong reactions to the Avengers. I read about a woman in China who cried so much during the movie that she started hyperventilating and had to go to the Emergency Room. Her husband was like, “She did the same thing when we saw ‘The Emoji Movie.’”

It just came out that in the first 24 hours of his campaign, Joe Biden raised 6.3 million dollars and he did it in an interesting way – he stood outside a movie theater and said, “Gimme a thousand bucks or I’ll ruin the Avengers for you!”

A whale wearing an electronic device was spotted off the coast of Norway, and experts think it was spying for Russia. When reached for comment, Vladimir Putin was like, “In Russia, not even Willy is free.”

I saw that the CIA just launched their own account on Instagram. Yeah, it sounds cool until you get a notification that says, “The CIA is now following you.”

This week, the Emperor of Japan is giving up the throne. If you wanna know more - just read the 50 articles about it that Prince Charles taped to the Queen’s fridge.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.30.19

From the movie, “Long Shot,” Charlize Theron is my guest tonight! The film’s already made history, it’s the first movie in 10 years without any Avengers.

Joe Biden's in first place by 24 percent. Biden’s pretty proud – today he gave himself a pat, a squeeze, and a rub on the back.

A few candidates, like John Hickenlooper, are actually polling at zero percent. Zero percent, it’s crazy -- not even John Hickenlooper supports John Hickenlooper.

Last night, Biden had his first rally, and he introduced himself as “Jill Biden’s husband.” But only cuz he was told to stop calling himself “Barack Obama’s bro-ham.”

Beto O’Rourke is also in the news. He just visited Yosemite National Park, and called it a quote, “religious experience.” It’s the same thing President Trump said after visiting the M&M store.

Well the president’s also gearing up for 2020 and I heard Donald Trump Jr.’s girlfriend, Kimberly Guilfoyle, is joining the campaign as a senior adviser. Yep, while Don Jr. will remain in his role – unpaid intern.

Today, Trump met with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer, and they agreed to work on a two trillion dollar infrastructure plan to build roads, bridges, and highways or as Nancy Pelosi put it, “Anything but a wall.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.1.19

We are just four days away from Cinco de Mayo! But today William Barr was like, “I’m gonna need a margarita PRONTO.”

I saw that this morning, in under an hour, President Trump retweeted over 60 tweets. Which is why he spent the rest of the day with a tiny little ice pack on each thumb.

Trump was going crazy on Twitter because a big firefighters union decided to endorse Joe Biden instead of him. Trump was like, “It’s crazy -- I love firemen! I mean, no one loves to fire men more than me.”

Starting today, smoking is banned inside all Disney theme parks. When they heard, all the people in costume were like, “Whatever – we switched to edibles years ago.”

Instagram might get rid of “likes,” cuz they want users to quote, “focus on the photos and videos.” While users want Instagram to focus on what it’s really made for: making your friends jealous.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.2.19

There’s a lot to talk about, but let’s start with the Kentucky Derby. It’s this Saturday, and it should be fun. There’s nothing more exciting than a two-minute race that decides whether or not your kids go to college.

I heard NBC is gonna have four hours of coverage before the race. Yeah, four hours leading up to two exciting minutes -- or as that’s also known: prom.

This year’s race features one favorite and 19 long shots – which pretty much sums up the Democrats running for president.

I heard you can actually buy a jar of manure from a winning Derby horse for 200 dollars. So if you’re looking for that perfect Mother’s Day present -- keep looking.

This weekend is also Cinco de Mayo! Yeah, Cinco de Mayo – it’s the Super Bowl of accidentally racist office parties!

I heard that Joe Jonas just married “Game of Thrones” actress Sophie Turner in a surprise ceremony performed by an Elvis impersonator. Yeah, it was right in the middle of the last “Game of Thrones” episode -- we just couldn’t see it.

Everybody’s talking about how William Barr skipped a hearing in Congress cuz he didn’t wanna face another day of questioning. At one point, he tried hiding in a White House closet, but Melania was like, “Hey! Get your own place!”

I wanna say Happy Birthday to Spongebob Squarepants, who just turned 20. You can tell he’s getting old, because today they changed his name to SpongeBob DadJeans.

A Domino’s employee in Texas was arrested for punching his co-worker after he told him an “Avengers” spoiler. Police tried to take a statement from the victim, but as soon as he started talking, they were like,“No no no no no!”

I read that New Zealand accents were just ranked the sexiest in the world and then everyone from Boston was like, “Oh my GAWD! Are you friggin' kidding me? This crap is wicked rigged!"

According to NASA, there’s a giant asteroid named after the God of Death that’s currently plummeting towards Earth. Anyway...enjoy Cinco de Mayo, everyone!

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 2 – May 9

Thursday, May 2: Guests include Ryan Reynolds, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and musical guest Protoje. Show 1061

Friday, May 3: Guests include Cher and The Cher Show Cast. OAD 4/15/19

Monday, May 6: Guests include Will Smith, Laurie Metcalf and Phil Hanley. Show 1062

Tuesday, May 7: Guests include Amy Poehler, Ryan Eggold and musical guest Vampire Weekend. Show 1063

**Wednesday, May 8: Guests include Maya Rudolph, Rita Ora and musical guest Kygo & Rita Ora. Show 1064

**Thursday, May 9: Guests include Halle Berry, Chris Kattan and musical guest Luke Combs. Show 1065

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: April 30 – May 7

Tuesday, April 30: Guests include Charlize Theron, Desus and Mero and Robert Irwin. Show 1059

Wednesday, May 1: Guests include Alexander Skarsgård, Sebastian Stan and musical guest Fontaines D.C. Show 1060

**Thursday, May 2: Guests include Ryan Reynolds, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and musical guest Protoje. Show 1061

**Friday, May 3: Guests include Cher and The Cher Show Cast. OAD 4/15/19

**Monday, May 6: Guests include Will Smith, Laurie Metcalf and Phil Hanley. Show 1062

**Tuesday, May 7: Guests include Amy Poehler, Ryan Eggold and musical guest Vampire Weekend. Show 1063

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' April 22 – April 26

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.22.19

Today was the White House Easter Egg Roll! It was a lot of fun -- they had music, candy, and an Easter Egg Hunt -- but it got awkward when one of the kids was like, “I found Trump’s tax returns!”

The White House Easter Egg Roll has been an annual tradition since 1878! And here’s a fun fact: the first Easter Egg Roll was won by a young Bernie Sanders.

Trump had to fill a spot on the Federal Reserve Board, and said he wanted Herman Cain -- he’s the former presidential candidate and pizza CEO. But today, Cain withdrew his name from consideration. In response, Trump was like, “In that case, give me my second choice: Papa John.”

Today is Earth Day! But it’s really important that everyone does what they can to help the environment. For example, it sounds like Democrats are just a couple of days away from recycling Joe Biden.

That's right, it was Earth Day! People started the day like they always do: by forgetting their reusable tote bag at home.

I saw that Queen Elizabeth turned 93 years-old yesterday! To celebrate, there was a special Easter church service. But the Queen was like, “I already did all my celebrating on 4/20.”

Down in Florida, a man pretending to be a police officer was arrested after he pulled over an actual undercover cop. It got worse when the fake cop tried getting out of it by pretending to be a stripper. “No, you’re under arrest...for being too sexy.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.23.19

“Avengers: Endgame” is almost here, and I read that it could make over a billion dollars in its first weekend. A billion dollars! That means after Thanos, the Avengers’ next big enemy is gonna be Bernie Sanders. “Tony Stark is in the one percent!”

Speaking of Bernie Sanders. Last night, from 7 to midnight, CNN had five townhalls with five Democratic candidates. Yeah, five straight hours of town halls. Which is why Wolf Blitzer kicked things off by saying, “Good evening. I’m wearing a diaper.”

After a rough couple of months, Kraft Heinz announced that they’re getting rid of their CEO and Heinz is gonna get him out the only way they know how, flipping him upside down and whacking him on the butt.

A town in England has been having problems with aggressive seagulls on its beaches, so they brought in a pair of bald eagles to get rid of them. It's great. Now beach-goers can relax in peace, knowing if a seagull gets too close, an eagle will swoop in and murder it.

A pizza restaurant in Texas was shut down after people found out they were putting laxatives in the pizza. They even had a special deal: if you’re not on the toilet in 30 minutes, the next one’s free.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.24.19

Brie Larson is on the show tonight! We love Brie Larson. She’s here to finally try and get the word out about this movie called “Avengers: Endgame.”

Brie thought there were a lot of Avengers until she got here and met the 50 members of the Wu-Tang Clan.

But the new Avengers opens tomorrow, and it’s gonna be huge -- some theaters are staying open 24 hours a day, through Sunday. By then, the kid who works the butter pump is gonna have an arm like The Hulk.

President Trump met with the CEO of Twitter Jack Dorsey and I heard that Trump complained about losing Twitter followers. It was just like when Abraham Lincoln met with his generals and said, “Why aren’t my speeches getting more likes?!”

Trump asked Jack Dorsey why Obama has more Twitter followers than him, that it got awkward when Jack realized pressing the mute button doesn’t work on people in real life.

Today in Russia, Kim Jong Un met with Vladimir Putin. Yeah, it turns out Kim and Putin are good friends -- they’re actually so close, they can finish each other’s poisonings.

I saw that Kim arrived for the meeting by train. You know things are rough in North Korea, cuz Kim stepped off the train in Russia and was like, “Aah, the good life.”

I read that a lot of germ-killing brands like Clorox are now selling products with germs that are good for you or you could save a few bucks, and just walk onto a New York Subway with your mouth open.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.25.19

It’s a very special night here! Tonight’s entire audience is filled with people who couldn’t get tickets to “The Avengers.”

“Avengers: Endgame” is finally here! And I heard the movie’s actually three hours long! Yeah, after three hours, even the biggest Avengers fans are like, “Dear God, please don’t let there be scenes after the credits.”

Well you might not be at the Avengers tonight, but you guys do get to see one Avenger, Paul Rudd is here! We love him as Ant-Man which, by the way, is also Stormy Daniels’ nickname for Donald Trump.

I heard Kanye West is thinking about starting a church. Yeah, it’s the first church where people go to worship themselves.

There’s been a mysterious countdown clock on Taylor Swift’s Instagram, and it ends at midnight tonight. A lot of fans think she’s announcing a new album, while the rest are praying she’s running for president.

Today it was announced that Rami Malek will be the villain in the next James Bond movie. Yeah, he plays the head of HR who tells James Bond all the things he can’t do or say to women anymore in 2019.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.26.19

You guys, it’s the weekend and there’s so much going on! Avengers is in theaters! There’s an all new “Game of Thrones”! The NFL Draft is underway right now! At some point, Netflix is gonna be like, “Where the hell did everyone go?!”

Speaking of “Game of Thrones,” I heard this weekend’s episode has an epic battle scene that’s not very “family friendly.” Which is strange, cuz with all the sex between brothers and sisters, I think the show’s a little TOO “family friendly.”

Joe Biden just entered the race for 2020, but I heard that President Obama doesn’t plan on endorsing anyone in the primary. Yeah, it’s not good when Obama looks at 20 different candidates and goes, “Uhh, pass!”

Well now that Biden’s in the race, I read he’s shutting down his charity. When he heard, Trump was like, “I remember when I said goodbye to Charity. And Destiny. And Roxy.

President Trump is also gearing up for 2020. And I heard that on Saturday, he’s holding a campaign rally in Green Bay, Wisconsin. You can tell Trump’s excited, cuz he just styled his hair into a cheese head.

I saw that a 25 year-old woman that graduated from Princeton just got engaged to her 71 year- old professor. It was pretty romantic, he got down on one knee, then spent the next 10 minutes trying to get back up.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: April 25 – May 2

Thursday, April 25: Guests include Paul Rudd, Diane Guerrero and Leonard Ouzts. Show 1056

Friday, April 26: Guests include Sting, KJ Apa and musical guest Sting. Show 1057

Monday, April 29: Guests include Kate McKinnon, Noah Centineo and musical guest Mac DeMarco. Show 1058

Tuesday, April 30: Guests include Charlize Theron, Desus and Mero and Robert Irwin. Show 1059

Wednesday, May 1: Guests include Alexander Skarsgård and musical guest Fontaines D.C. Show 1060

**Thursday, May 2: Guests include Ryan Reynolds, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and musical guest Kevin Abstract. Show 1061

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: April 24 – May 1

Wednesday, April 24: Guests include Brie Larson, Wyatt Cenac and musical guest Wu-Tang Clan. Show 1055

Thursday, April 25: Guests include Paul Rudd, Diane Guerrero and Leonard Ouzts. Show 1056

Friday, April 26: Guests include Sting, KJ Apa and musical guest Sting. Show 1057

Monday, April 29: Guests include Kate McKinnon, Noah Centineo and musical guest Mac DeMarco. Show 1058

**Tuesday, April 30: Guests include Charlize Theron, Desus and Mero and Robert Irwin. Show 1059

**Wednesday, May 1: Guests include Alexander Skarsgård and musical guest Fontaines D.C. Show 1060

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: April 22 – 29

Monday, April 22: Guests include Nathan Lane, Pitbull, Philippe Cousteau and Lenny Marcus. Show 1053

Tuesday, April 23: Guests include Dr. Phil McGraw, Sophia Bush, Tyler ‘Ninja’ Blevins and musical guest Maggie Rogers. Show 1054

Wednesday, April 24: Guests include Brie Larson, Wyatt Cenac and musical guest Wu-Tang Clan. Show 1055

Thursday, April 25: Guests include Paul Rudd, Diane Guerrero and Leonard Ouzts. Show 1056

**Friday, April 26: Guests include Sting, KJ Apa and musical guest Sting. Show 1057

**Monday, April 29: Guests include Kate McKinnon, Noah Centineo and musical guest Mac DeMarco. Show 1058

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' April 15 – April 19

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.15.19

I heard that Bed Bath & Beyond is trying to re-brand itself, and they’re launching new stores that focus on home décor, furniture, food, and beverages. They even have a cool name for the new store: Target.

Yesterday, Facebook and Instagram both experienced major outages. It was terrible – people at Coachella couldn’t upload awful, shaky videos of all the performances.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.16.19

The race for 2020 is already underway, and a new poll found that Bernie Sanders is now leading Joe Biden, 29 percent to 24. You can tell Biden’s stressed -- he spent all day giving himself a massage.

Pete Buttigieg has skyrocketed into third place! Asked what separates him from Bernie and Biden, Buttigieg said, “Well, for starters, I wear my pants below the nipple.”

Well a lot of people watched Bernie’s town hall, including the president. And get this -- I read that sometimes, Trump actually stops meetings to yell at TVs playing cable news. It sounds crazy until you realize that screaming at cable news actually makes him more relatable.

But back to Bernie. He also made headlines yesterday by releasing 10 years of tax returns. And it turns out in the last two years, he’s earned 1.7 million dollars. Most of it was from his book sales, the rest was from silver dollars he pulled out of his grandkids’ ears.

Bernie provided 10 years of tax returns. Meanwhile, Trump was like, “I’d do the same but I gave up taxes for Lent.”

I read that Trump’s re-election campaign has been spending a lot of money on Facebook ads. And most of them target users that are over 65. Americans were shocked -- they were like, “There’s people on Facebook under 65?”

Everyone’s still talking about “Game of Thrones.” I saw that Sunday’s premiere set a record, with 17 million people tuning in. While another 17 million people sat next to them going, “Who’s that again?”

I heard that the children’s show “Peppa Pig” is so popular that little kids are starting to speak with British accents. When their parents said, “Maybe it’s time to watch something else,” they were like, “Not bloody likely!”

Microsoft is working on its own wireless earbuds to compete with Apple’s AirPods, and they’re calling them “Surface Buds.” Which sounds less like earphones, and more like your relationship with your old college roommates. “We’re not tight, we’re more like 'surface buds.’”

I heard that Chips Ahoy cookies are being recalled because they might contain a quote, “unexpected ingredient.” In response, stoners were like, “So what? The best cookies have “unexpected ingredients!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.17.19

Beyoncé just dropped a new album and Netflix documentary all in the same day, also the TIME 100 list was released, the Mueller report comes out tomorrow, and someone leaked the end to Avengers.

E.L. James, the woman who wrote “Fifty Shades of Grey,” has just come out with her newest erotic novel. It’s called “The Mister,” and the story is actually about income inequality. Or as Bernie Sanders put it, “I’ve never been so turned on in my life!”

The book is called “The Mister.” Critics are calling it the most sexually charged story ever about the guy at the supermarket that sprays the produce. “Hi, I’m the Mister.”

A science teacher in Japan was arrested for teaching his students how to make ecstasy. The teacher says he feels terrible...but also really, really good.

The other day in Connecticut, a police officer who likes to wear tap shoes while he's on duty was able to run down a car thief. When the suspect asked how many years he’d spend in jail, the officer was like, “Five-six-seven-eight!”

Carl’s Jr. is testing a CBD-infused burger. So far it’s working, cuz customers eat the burger, walk outside, look up and say, “Sweet! Carl’s Jr.!” and walk right back in.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.18.19

The Mueller Report is finally here, and it’s a huge mess. Republicans say it proves there was no collusion and exonerates Trump. Democrats say they wanna see the redacted parts and have the Attorney General testify. While every American is like, “Thank God it’s almost 4/20.”

The report talks about collusion, obstruction, and Russian interference. And it’s pretty thick -- 381 pages. But when Hillary Clinton read it, she was still able to tear it in half with her bare hands.

The report also said Trump tried to obstruct justice several times, but it never happened cuz his staff refused to carry out his orders. In response, Trump thanked his staffers for not listening to him...and then he fired them all for not listening to him.

But rather than saying whether or not Trump obstructed justice, Mueller is leaving it up to Congress to decide. That’s a relief, cuz if there’s one group that’s good at agreeing on things, it’s Congress.

Facebook says it "unintentionally uploaded" 1.5 million of its users' email contacts without permission. Facebook was like, “It was a complete accident and we didn’t mean to upload the information – we meant to sell it.”

I read that Google's headquarters just got hit with a case of measles. Meanwhile, over at Bing, they were like, "Damn, not even the MEASLES come to us."

I read about a man in Florida who broke into a Little League concession stand and stole hot dogs and cash – all while being completely naked. Meanwhile, one kid on the field was like, “Ugh, dad, you’re embarrassing me!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.19.19

You guys, it’s the weekend and there’s a lot going on, including Easter and Passover. That’s right, Jewish people started celebrating Passover today, on the 19th. While stoners will celebrate Passover tomorrow, on 4/20.

I read that on 4/20, there are actually fewer car accidents than there are on other holidays. Mostly cuz it’s hard to get into a car accident when you’re driving 3 miles per hour.

The 2020 campaign is underway, and next week, I saw that CNN is hosting five Democratic town halls. Which is a great way for America to get to know one percent of the Democrats running for president.

There’s another new episode of “Game of Thrones” this weekend! And I read that the show set a record by using 4,000 gallons of fake blood. Even crazier, the previous record-holder? “The Golden Girls.”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: April 18 – 25

Thursday, April 18: Guests include Andy Cohen, Pete Davidson, Mario, Michael & Marco Andretti and José Andrés. Show 1051

Friday, April 19: Guests include Michael Shannon, Jane Goodall, Winnie Harlow and Jess Salomon. Show 1052

Monday, April 22: Guests include Nathan Lane, Pitbull, Philippe Cousteau and Lenny Marcus. Show 1053

Tuesday, April 23: Guests include Dr. Phil McGraw, Sophia Bush, Tyler ‘Ninja’ Blevins and musical guest Maggie Rogers. Show 1054

**Wednesday, April 24: Guests include Brie Larson, Wyatt Cenac and musical guest Wu-Tang Clan. Show 1055

**Thursday, April 25: Guests include Paul Rudd, Diane Guerrero and Leonard Ouzts. Show 1056

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: April 16 – 23

Tuesday, April 16: Guests include Alex Rodriguez, Ashley Benson and musical guest Jade Bird. Show 1049

Wednesday, April 17: Guests include Kate Beckinsale, Ralph Macchio, and Rudy Francisco. Show 1050

**Thursday, April 18: Guests include Andy Cohen, Pete Davidson, Mario, Michael & Marco Andretti and José Andrés. Show 1051

**Friday, April 19: Guests include Michael Shannon, Jane Goodall, Winnie Harlow and Jess Salomon. Show 1052

**Monday, April 22: Guests include Nathan Lane, Pitbull and Philippe Cousteau. Show 1053

**Tuesday, April 23: Guests include Dr. Phil McGraw, Sophia Bush, Tyler ‘Ninja’ Blevins and musical guest Maggie Rogers. Show 1054

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' April 8 – April 12

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.8.19

How great was it outside in New York City, it was 77 degrees out there! It was so nice outside, even President Trump did a little a spring cleaning -- he threw out his Secretary of Homeland Security.

Trump’s Homeland Security Secretary, Kirstjen Nielsen, resigned. She was in charge of border security, but after working with Trump for two years, she finally decided to deport herself. Actually, Nielsen said that this was the right time to step down, and she looks forward to spending more time separating her own family.

Nielsen said she’ll stay on until Wednesday so she can “assist with an orderly transition.” That’s right, she’s training the new Homeland Security Secretary for 2 days! Shouldn’t that take longer? Hell, even Starbucks baristas take two weeks to train their replacements!

The 2020 election is in full swing, and Pete Buttigieg is feeling pretty confident. On “Meet The Press,” he said he’s got more experience than the past two presidents. Some people disagree cuz he’s only a 37-year-old mayor. But I think those people forgot our current president is a former game show host.

But all the candidates are trying to stand out. Now Bernie Sanders is saying that he wants to make it legal for felons to be able to vote while they’re in prison. It’s an interesting idea, but you do NOT wanna know how he plans on getting the ballots inside the jail.

Elizabeth Warren is also in the news. A new poll found that she’s currently in third place in her own home state of Massachusetts. But keep in mind, second place is a Dunkin’ Donuts cashier, and first place is Gronk.

There was a marathon in North Korea, and they had a record-high turnout. Marathons are a little different in North Korea – as soon as the race starts, everyone runs in different directions.

March Madness wrapped up tonight with the championship game between Virginia and Texas Tech! So, if you had picked those two teams in your brackets...you are a liar.

Police in New York City had to remove a raccoon that had snuck down into the subway. Passengers saw the raccoon and were like, “Gross! He’s actually TOUCHING the pole!”

I read that McDonald’s will no longer serve Filet-O-Fish sandwiches after midnight. If you’re someone who was eating fish at McDonald’s after midnight, this might be a good time to re-evaluate your life choices.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.9.19

March Madness came to an end last night, with Virginia coming out on top as the number one team! In three weeks, we went from 68 all the way down to 1 -- it was just like the staff at the White House

But I wanna say congrats to the Virginia Cavaliers, it’s the first time they’ve ever won a National Championship. After the game, the coach told his players, “I love you guys more than anything.” Then he looked up, and realized they’d already left for the NBA.

Of course, it was a tough loss for Texas Tech and I read that last November, someone in Vegas actually bet fifteen-hundred bucks on Texas Tech to win the tournament, which would’ve given him 300,000 dollars. If you want to ask him about it, he’s currently sitting on the floor of his closet, rocking back and forth.

Bernie Sanders is on the campaign trail, and this week he’s visiting five battleground states. Yeah, it’s actually Bernie’s first time on a battleground since Gettysburg.

This week alone, Bernie’s heading to Wisconsin, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Indiana, and Ohio. The only thing more impressive than Bernie campaigning in five states is that you can actually hear him in ten.

But Bernie’s got his work cut out for him, cuz a new poll has Joe Biden leading the Democratic field. And it’s a tricky situation. Some experts think Biden’s too inappropriate with women to beat the other Democrats -- and yet, not inappropriate enough to beat Trump.

Today, Attorney General William Barr said he'll deliver the Mueller Report to Congress within a week, and it’ll have “color-coded” redactions. And this is nice, he’s letting Don Jr. do all the coloring.

I read that prosecutors want all the parents who pleaded guilty to get prison time. Yeah, they’ll be forced to live in a tiny concrete room with a stranger. So at least SOMEONE in the family gets to experience dorm life.

Right now in Japan, one in four adults is a virgin, and sexual inexperience is becoming a major concern. It's so bad, when sons ask their dads how sex works, the dads respond, “I was hoping you’d tell me.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.10.19

It was 60 degrees here in New York today! But the Midwest wasn’t as lucky -- they’re getting hit with freezing temperatures and several feet of snow. People in the Midwest were like, “Okay -- this marketing campaign for ‘Game of Thrones’ is way too intense.”

Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders says that he’s gonna release his tax returns on Monday, and thanks to his book sales, they’re actually expected to show that Bernie is now a millionaire. Yeah, Bernie Sanders is a millionaire! He’s pretty freaked out -- he was like, “Oh my God, the one percent is coming from inside the house!”

Of course, Bernie’s trying to downplay it. At a rally today, he was like, “Don’t be fooled by the new socks that I got, I’m still, I’m still Bernie from the block!”

The guy who’s spent his life ranting against millionaires IS a millionaire. That’s like finding out Smokey the Bear is a pyromaniac! It’s like finding out the Hamburglar is a vegan! It’s like Joe Biden telling us he’s spent 40 years teaching classes on workplace harassment.

Speaking of Biden. I heard that he’s gonna officially announce he’s running after Easter. Which is fitting, since his current strategy is hiding in a cave for a few days until some stuff blows over.

Today is Wednesday, but it’s also “National Siblings Day.” Or as Jamie and Cersei Lannister call it “Humpday.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.11.19

This morning, the founder of Wikileaks, Julian Assange was arrested in London. He’s being brought to the U.S. on charges of leaking secrets, and he’s facing a pretty rough punishment. They're gonna make him Trump’s new Secretary of Homeland Security.

I saw that the European Union is pushing back Brexit until October. When American’s heard about the delay they were like, “Great, that gives me six more months to figure out what Brexit is.”

Today, President Trump had a big meeting with South Korea’s president, who’s trying to convince Trump to meet with Kim Jong Un for a THIRD time. But it got weird today when Trump was like, “Wait – I thought you WERE Kim Jong Un.”

I heard that 37 year-old Democratic candidate Pete Buttigieg has been gaining in the polls, and he’s now third behind Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders. He said he’s got a great strategy to beat Biden and Bernie – make it to 2020.

I heard about an Argentinian company that designed a new condom that comes in a package that requires 4 hands to open. Because that was the problem with condoms, they were too easy to open.

According to a new study, we could help slow down the effects of climate change by using flying cars and if you think that’s a good idea - think about the worst Uber driver you’ve ever had - and imagine them driving a plane.

This week, on an American Airlines flight to Dallas, the flight attendant accidentally spilled drinks on a passenger -- and then she found out, he was the CEO of American Airlines. When the rest of the plane heard, they also dumped their drinks on him.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.12.19

I read that the cloak that Kit Harington wears on the show is actually a rug from IKEA. Yeah, and when he heard that, President Trump was like, “Who cares? So is my hair.”

It’s not just Game of Thrones weekend, it’s also Coachella, a lot of people are getting ready to travel out to California for the festival -- while their friends are getting ready to mute them on Instagram.

The 2020 election is in full swing, and I read that two young campaign staffers that used to work for Beto O’Rourke, left him for Bernie Sanders. Beto says he knew they were cheating on him when they would come back to his office smelling like Bengay.

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' April 1 – April 5

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.1.19

Guys, there were some great March Madness games this weekend, and we’re now down to the Final Four! Virginia is taking on Auburn, and Michigan State is taking on Texas Tech. Meanwhile, Duke will be taking on Netflix and some Ben & Jerry’s.

Yeah, it was a tough loss. Duke was the number-one overall team, but they got beat by Michigan State. Duke scored 67 points, which happens to be the same number of points you get in Scrabble for the word “Krzyzewski.”

Let’s get to some news here. The big political story is that President Trump is threatening to shut down the Mexican border to stop the flow of migrants. You can tell he’s serious about closing it down, cuz today he hired the CEOs of Sears, Payless, and Blockbuster to make it happen.

Some more news about the president. The Justice Department is saying they’ll release the entire Mueller Report later this month. Then Trump said, “Just release it today so that anything bad seems like an April Fool’s joke.”

Here’s another big political story. A politician named Lucy Flores is accusing Joe Biden of inappropriately kissing the back of her head, and smelling her hair. When he heard, President Obama was like, “I forgot -- whenever he does that, just spritz him with a little water.”

But it’s not a good look for Biden. If any other women come forward and say he acted inappropriate, he could get elected president.

Listen to this. Today, a computer glitch grounded flights across the country for several major airlines, including American, Delta, United and Southwest. Most airlines apologized, while Southwest said, “We’re considered a ‘major airline?’ Awesome!”

Here’s some business news. I heard that pretty soon, Walgreens is gonna start selling CBD products in their stores. Meanwhile, you can get actual weed at any Walmart if you just raise your eyebrows at the right employee.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.2.19

“Avengers Endgame” doesn’t come out for three weeks, but tickets went on sale today -- and so many people tried to buy them, that all the ticket sites crashed. That pretty much sums up the country – we buy our Avengers tickets three weeks early, and file our taxes five minutes before they’re due.

The studio says "Avengers: Endgame" is the last in the series. Until it makes a billion dollars, and they immediately release "Avengers Endgame: A New Beginning."

Last night, President Trump tweeted that he’s got a really great healthcare plan to replace Obamacare, but he said he won’t reveal it until AFTER the 2020 election. Which is basically the political version of saying, “I do have a girlfriend, she just goes to a different school!”

Trump told reporters that he still might close the Mexican border and experts say if that happens, the U.S. could run out of avocados in 3 weeks and that’s when Trader Joe’s will officially change its name to “Fight Club.”

In a new article, one Republican Senator said that Trump “lives in the moment. He's not thinking of the next day or even the next hour." It’s always comforting to hear the most powerful man in the world has so much in common with a goldfish.

Well, the 2020 presidential race is underway, and I read that Pete Buttigieg and Joe Biden are the most Googled Democrats. Yeah, Buttigieg is thinking, “Sweet, people are Googling me!” while Biden is like, “Stop Googling me!”

I read that Keebler was just sold in a deal worth 1.3 billion dollars. It’s great for Keebler, but tough on the elves who found an eviction notice nailed to their tree this morning.

Scientists have built a six-foot 10-inch robot that can hit perfect 3-pointers. Unfortunately, rival scientists built a six-foot ELEVEN-inch robot that can say, “Not in my house.”

A new report just confirmed that the Curiosity Rover detected Methane on Mars. Although you know what they say: He who detected it, ejected it.

I saw that a school in Japan is teaching people how to become professional mascots. When the Elmo in Times Square heard, he was like, “For 15 dollars I’ll give you a degree and my costume right now.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.3.19

Alec Baldwin is here tonight, Kelly Clarkson is here tonight! Yeah, Alec Baldwin is here! You know what that means -- there’s a good chance President Trump will be angrily live-tweeting the show.

This weekend, the Secret Service arrested a woman from China who snuck into Mar-a-Lago with multiple passports and a thumb drive with computer viruses. And people think she might be a Chinese spy! Trump’s not taking any chances - he just announced that he’s shutting down the border between the U.S. and China. Apparently the woman got into Mar-a-Lago by telling security, “I’m just going to the pool.” Yeah, it’s not good that Mar-a-Lago has the same security protocols as Planet Fitness.

Even though his dad was born in New York, yesterday Trump told reporters that his dad was born in Germany. Even weirder, then he said Melania was born in New Jersey.

Trump thinks his dad was German. It’s because Trump’s dad used to tell his assistant, “If Donald is looking for me, just tell him I’m in Germany.”

I saw that Bernie Sanders has raised more money than any other 2020 Democratic candidates, with 18 million dollars. Which means that in Vermont, a haircut must cost over 18 million dollars. That’s right, Bernie’s raised 18 million bucks. Yeah, it’s so much money, the AARP has started asking HIM for benefits.

I heard that Netflix just announced they’re raising prices next month. In response, we’re all gonna complain for five minutes and then keep paying Netflix whatever they want.

Last night was the big season finale of “This Is Us.” It ended with a flash-forward, several decades into the future. The characters were old, grey, and STILL waiting for the new season of “Game of Thrones.”

I saw that “Game of Thrones” just released a new trailer for the upcoming season that’s one minute long, and has zero dialogue. Yeah, a minute long and no talking - or as Trump calls that: sex.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.4.19

I saw that Democrats have formally requested six years of President Trump’s tax returns from the IRS. Then Trump was like, “Joke’s on you -- I didn’t file taxes any of those years!”

The Democrats are going after Trump’s tax returns. And he doesn’t want people to see them, cuz under “Marital Status” he wrote “It’s Complicated.”

The other big story is the Mueller Report. So far all we’ve seen is the summary, which wasn’t so bad for Trump. But now some people from Mueller’s team are saying the summary doesn’t tell the whole story, and it left out some stuff that could make Trump look pretty bad. Which is why today, officials told Trump, “Sir, you may be suffering from premature exoneration.”

The woman who snuck into Mar-a-Lago the other day might be a Chinese spy, so now officials are reviewing the security at Trump's resort. And Trump’s not taking any chances. Today, he told staffers to change all his passwords from “12345” to uppercase “12345.”

Today is apparently something called "National Hug a Newsperson Day." Or as Joe Biden put it, “Awkwarrrrd!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.5.19

March Madness is back with the Final Four! The games are in Minneapolis, and I heard the NCAA actually had to take down some signs they hung up around the city cuz they misspelled “NCAA.” The guy who did it was like, “Why didn’t my parents bribe me into a better college!” Yeah, they misspelled “NCAA” as “NCCA.” And if you think that’s bad, you do NOT wanna know how they misspelled “Virginia.”

This weekend, we’ve also got WrestleMania 35! It’s over at MetLife Stadium in New Jersey! And you know it’s gonna be crazy in New Jersey. Every time a wrestler gets hit with an illegal object, the ref’s gonna be like, “I didn’t see nuthin!” I’m excited about WrestleMania – watching a bunch of people attack each other for three hours is great practice for the Democratic debates.

I read that over in Ukraine, a comedian who plays their president on TV is currently leading the polls in their upcoming presidential election. Americans heard that and were like, “Why not -- Alec Baldwin 2020!”

There’s another new book about Trump coming out. And this one claims that when a Congressman accused Trump of lying, the president responded by saying, “Who the f-- are you?” Then Eric Trump was like, “Hey, that's my nickname!"

April 11, 2019

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: April 11 – 18

Thursday, April 11: Guests include Emma Stone, Tracy Pollan & Michael J. Fox and musical guest Tank and the Bangas. Show 1046

**Friday, April 12: Guests include Ethan Hawke, Dwyane Wade, Kate del Castillo and Ronny Chieng. Show 1047

Monday, April 15: Guests include Cher and musical guest Cher and The Cher Show cast. Show 1048

**Tuesday, April 16: Guests include Alex Rodriguez, Ashley Benson and musical guest Jade Bird. Show 1049

**Wednesday, April 17: Guests include Kate Beckinsale, Ralph Macchio, and Rudy Francisco. Show 1050

**Thursday, April 18: Guests include Andy Cohen, Mario, Michael & Marco Andretti and José Andrés. Show 1051

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: April 2 – 9

Tuesday, April 2: Guests include Sam Rockwell, Kathie Lee Gifford and a performance from Rodgers & Hammerstein’s “Oklahoma!” Show 1039

Wednesday, April 3: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Kelly Clarkson and musical guest Kelly Clarkson. Show 1040

Thursday, April 4: Guests include Kit Harington, Elle Fanning and musical guest Khalid. Show 1041

Friday, April 5: Guests include Taraji P Henson, Jason Clarke and Nate Bargatze. Show 1042

**Monday, April 8: Guests include Hugh Jackman, Chrissy Metz and musical guest Juice Wrld. Show 1043

**Tuesday, April 9: Guests include Chelsea Handler, Justin Hartley and musical guest Brooks & Dunn ft. Midland. Bernard Purdie sits in with The Roots. Show 1044

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: March 29 – April 5

Friday, March 29: Guests include Jordan Peele, Malcolm Gladwell, Marlon du Toit and musical guest Sharon Van Etten. OAD 3/18/19

Monday, April 1: Guests include Tracy Morgan, Maisie Williams, Patrick Mahomes and musical guest The Zombies. Show 1038

Tuesday, April 2: Guests include Sam Rockwell, Kathie Lee Gifford and a performance from Rodgers & Hammerstein’s “Oklahoma!” Show 1039

Wednesday, April 3: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Kelly Clarkson and musical guest Kelly Clarkson. Show 1040

Thursday, April 4: Guests include Kit Harington, Elle Fanning and musical guest Khalid. Show 1041

**Friday, April 5: Guests include Taraji P Henson, Jason Clarke and Nate Bargatze. Show 1042

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: March 28 – April 4

Thursday, March 28: Guests include Mark Ruffalo, Jim Jefferies and musical guest Normani ft. 6lack. OAD 3/13/19

Friday, March 29: Guests include Jordan Peele, Malcolm Gladwell, Marlon du Toit and musical guest Sharon Van Etten. OAD 3/18/19

Monday, April 1: Guests include Tracy Morgan, Maisie Williams, Patrick Mahomes and musical guest The Zombies. Show 1038

Tuesday, April 2: Guests include Sam Rockwell, Kathie Lee Gifford and a performance from Rodgers & Hammerstein’s “Oklahoma!” Show 1039

Wednesday, April 3: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Kelly Clarkson and musical guest Kelly Clarkson. Show 1040

**Thursday, April 4: Guests include Kit Harington, Elle Fanning and musical guest Khalid. Show 1041

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' March 18 – March 22

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.18.19

March Madness is here! And I’m not even talking about the 35 crazy tweets Trump sent this weekend.

Yesterday was Selection Sunday, where we got to see the NCAA Tournament’s official bracket. 68 teams go head-to-head until there’s only one left standing. It’s the same system Democrats are gonna use to pick their nominee.

But everybody’s talking about March Madness. It’s that exciting time when Americans watch kids play college basketball while gambling away their kids’ college tuition.

The first games start tomorrow, when Prairie View plays Fairleigh Dickinson. In response, even “Game of Thrones” fans were like, “Those names sound totally made up.”

Over the weekend, J.K. Rowling revealed that Dumbledore had an “intense sexual relationship” with Grindelwald. You can read all about it in her next book “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Too Much Information.”

I saw that health experts are saying that the “snooze button” is bad for your health, and they’re telling Apple to take the feature off their phones. In response, Apple was like, “Okay, we’ll take it off, just gimme like 9 more minutes.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.19.19

Tomorrow is the first day of Spring! I love Spring! It’s that special time of year when we go from flu season directly into allergy season.

Spring officially starts tomorrow and this was nice – today three more Democrats came out of hibernation and announced they’re running for president.

There’s another candidate who’s starting to get some attention named Andrew Yang. Apparently wants to give every American a thousand dollars a month by taxing companies like Google. If you wanna read more about Andrew Yang, you should search for him on Yahoo, cuz his name was just completely erased from Google.

Last night, Elizabeth Warren said she wants to get rid of the Electoral College. Actually, the president was like, “We can’t get rid of the Electoral College, I picked them to go all the way in March Madness!”

But a lot of people wanna get rid of the Electoral College. Which is too bad, cuz it’s the only college left that parents can’t bribe their way into.

But all the cable networks are busy covering the election. And I wanna say congrats to CSPAN for turning 40 years old today. It’s exciting! That means CSPAN is only 40 more years away from being the average age of someone who watches CSPAN.

It just came out that the president wants to slash funding for PBS. And PBS characters aren’t happy. Today, the Count was like,“I have one...one finger I’d like to show President Trump!”

Trump’s been busy. Today, he met with the Brazilian President. But when they first saw the word “Brazilian” listed on Trump’s schedule, people thought, “Uh oh, it’s date night!”

Florida prosecutors are now offering to drop prostitution charges against New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft for visiting that massage parlor. When he got the news, Kraft celebrated by going back to the massage parlor. It looks like the charges against Kraft are getting dropped. So good for him, he got off twice.

The first trailer for “Toy Story 4” came out today! Which is why everyone at work was like, “No, I’m not crying – I was just chopping onions...at my desk...”

Today, the LA Angels signed outfielder Mike Trout to the biggest contract in baseball history, worth 430 million dollars. Wow, 430 million! In a related story, a hot dog at an Angels game now costs 3.2 million dollars.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.20.19

Today was the first day of Spring! Millions of people looked at their bodies in the mirror and were like, “I thought I had more time!”

A new CNN poll found that even though he’s not officially campaigning, Joe Biden is the frontrunner for the Democratic nomination. Biden was thrilled - he said he hadn’t accomplished this much without doing anything since he was vice president.

Kellyanne Conway’s husband George has been critical of President Trump lately, so the president tweeted that he thinks George Conway is jealous of Kellyanne’s success. Today, even Melania was like, “How are those two still together?”

A lot of people are excited about the new trailer for “Stranger Things.” It’s season three, the kids are getting a little older – this time they deal with the fallout after their parents try bribing them into college.

Apple just released a new pair of AirPods today that work better with Siri. So get ready for all the people shouting, “Hey Siri, where are my AirPods?!”

Tonight Americans got to see a “Super Worm Equinox Moon,” When they heard that, hurricanes were like, “How come we get stuck with names like Steve and Phil?”

A woman in upstate New York just gave birth to a healthy baby girl that weighs 15 pounds. 15 pounds, when you give that baby a bottle, she just unscrews the top and chugs it. The mother said she felt like she was quote, "hit by two tractor trailers simultaneously." While the baby said, “It was no picnic for me either, Candace.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.21.19

The race for the Democratic presidential nomination has barely started and it’s already getting crazy. Former Democratic Senator Mike Gravel is thinking about running at 88 years old! 88, when they heard, Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden were like, “Hey! Who’s the new kid?!”

We could have a 76 year-old, a 77 year-old and an 88 year-old running for president! I can’t wait for the debates. Who wouldn’t be pumped about the possibility of listening to a three-hour symphony of dry coughs? These guys shouldn’t be running for president, they should be in a movie about a group of friends taking their last trip to Las Vegas.

Today, former President Jimmy Carter became America's longest-living president at 94 years! These are strange times – somehow Jimmy Carter is the oldest living president, but today, he would still be the youngest Democrat running for president.

The frontrunner is still Joe Biden, even though he hasn’t officially joined the race. But the other night, he did tell a few people that he’s gonna run. It’s like when you’ve got a female friend who starts wearing looser clothes and stops drinking, then you’ve still gotta act surprised in three months when she’s like, “I’m pregnant you guys!”

Speaking of Beto O’Rourke. He’s been able to campaign more than anyone because right now, he doesn’t have a job. So he’s actually been driving around the country in a rented Dodge minivan. So let me get this straight -- one of the top Democratic candidates is a 40 year-old unemployed guy living out of a van.

March Madness started today! And there were some great matchups-- Baylor vs. Syracuse, Montana vs. Michigan, Donald Trump vs. Kellyanne Conway’s husband.

Trump and Kellyanne’s husband are in a huge Twitter feud, but Kellyanne says she’s not being asked to choose between her marriage and her job. Then Trump was like, “Do what I do – choose neither.”

On Twitter today, Kellyanne’s husband George called Trump a liar and “the worst kind of dumb.” And when Trump saw George posting insults on Twitter, he fired Kellyanne, and hired George.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.22.19

You guys, it’s the first weekend of Spring! And what better way to celebrate Spring than spending the next two days on the couch watching March Madness!

That’s right, the NCAA Tournament is here! FINALLY! A chance for college kids to drink and watch sports!

Unlike past presidents, Donald Trump didn’t fill out his own March Madness bracket. Trump said he wants to focus on more important things, like live-tweeting reruns of “Saturday Night Live.”

Well there’s a lot happening in politics right now. Everybody’s talking about 2020. And even though he’s not technically in the race yet, a new poll says that Biden is in first place. Then it said Bernie Sanders is second, Kamala Harris is third, and Beto O’Rourke is fourth. Followed by a 92-way tie for fifth place.

Later this year, the creators of “Game of Thrones” are gonna start shooting some new “Star Wars” films. It’s very exciting for fans who love the “Star Wars” movies, but always thought they could use more incest.

I saw that for Easter, some IKEA stores are having an all-you-can-eat buffet. Yeah, cuz spending the holidays with family wasn’t stressful enough – let’s throw a trip to IKEA into the mix.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: March 27 – April 3

Wednesday, March 27: Guests include Oscar Isaac, Lilly Singh, Fallonventions and Jimmy Carr. OAD 3/14/19

Thursday, March 28: Guests include Mark Ruffalo, Jim Jefferies and musical guest Normani ft. 6lack. OAD 3/13/19

Friday, March 29: Guests include Jordan Peele, Malcolm Gladwell, Marlon du Toit and musical guest Sharon Van Etten. OAD 3/18/19

**Monday, April 1: Guests include Tracy Morgan, Maisie Williams, Patrick Mahomes and musical guest The Zombies. Show 1038

**Tuesday, April 2: Guests include Sam Rockwell, Kathie Lee Gifford and a performance from Rodgers & Hammerstein’s “Oklahoma!” Show 1039

**Wednesday, April 3: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Kelly Clarkson and musical guest Kelly Clarkson. Show 1040

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: March 21 – 29

Thursday, March 21: Guests include Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Joel Kinnaman and a performance by the Broadway cast of Ain’t Too Proud. Show 1035

Friday, March 22: Guests include Norman Reedus, IIana Glazer, Mikaela Shiffrin and James Veitch. Show 1036

Monday, March 25: Guests include Conor McGregor, Michael Che, Rachel Feinstein and Frank Pellegrino Jr. Show 1037

**Tuesday, March 26: Guests include John Mulaney, Kevin Nealon and musical guest 2 Chainz ft. Marsha Ambrosius. OAD 2/28/19

**Wednesday, March 27: Guests include Oscar Isaac, Lilly Singh, Fallonventions and Jimmy Carr. OAD 3/14/19

**Thursday, March 28: Guests include Mark Ruffalo, Jim Jefferies and musical guest Normani ft. 6lack. OAD 3/13/19

**Friday, March 29: Guests include Jordan Peele, Malcolm Gladwell, Marlon du Toit and musical guest Sharon Van Etten. OAD 3/18/19

These listings are subject to change.

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QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' January 28 – February 1

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.28.19

Shaquille O’Neal is my guest tonight! I’m looking forward to seeing him. He hasn’t been here since he put the star on top of the Rockefeller Christmas Tree.

I love Shaq, but it’s tough getting him up here. You have to maneuver him in the elevator like you’re moving a couch.

Shaq is here! Or as one guy watching at home put it, “Now HE would make a great border wall.”

Today for the first time since the government shutdown, federal employees went back to work! TSA agents were so happy, they popped opened the champagne they’d been confiscating for a special occasion.

I heard that former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is thinking about running for president. Meanwhile, the CEO of Dunkin Donuts is thinking about running a meth lab out of every store.

Last night, there was supposed to be a live broadcast of the musical “Rent,” but one of the actors broke his foot, so they had to air a pre-taped rehearsal. The actor’s fine, but doctors say he’s gotta wear a cast for about five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.29.19

A Polar Vortex is bringing record-breaking cold weather from up north to large parts of the U.S., which explains why today, President Trump announced that he wants to build a border wall across Canada.

It’s freezing in Chicago, I heard that it’s actually colder than Antarctica! On the news, the weatherman wasn’t giving the forecast, he was just spooning the camera guy for warmth.

I read that by the end of the week, 250 million Americans will experience freezing temperatures. So if you can, please check in on the elderly. All day long the Patriots kept checking on Tom Brady.

Experts say that during a polar vortex, you shouldn’t leave items like, beer, eggs, and medicine in your car. Though if that’s what you’re keeping in your car, the Polar Vortex is the least of your problems.

Federal employees returned to work this week. Though one woman says when she got back to her office, she had over 4,000 unread emails. Even worse: they were all from one employee who kept writing, “WHERE IS EVERYBODY?”

Trump’s Acting Attorney General says that Robert Mueller’s investigation is close to being finished. It’s been almost two years -- even Colton the Bachelor was like, “I don’t know how much longer I can wait.”

The 2020 presidential election is heating up, and former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz might run as an independent. Well, now some Democrats are threatening to boycott Starbucks. Then Starbucks said, “Go ahead, the food in the display case will still be here when you get back.”

Democrats might boycott Starbucks. You can tell 7-Eleven is excited, cuz they just replaced the coffee pot that’s been on the burner all week.

Chris Christie’s new tell-all book came out today, and it has some pretty shocking revelations about Trump. You’re not gonna believe this, but it turns out Trump has no idea what he’s doing.

Christie’s book, “Let Me Finish,” is now available. And Christie’s trying something different – instead of hardcover or paperback, he’s offering it in hard shell or soft tortilla.

Denmark is building a 43 mile-long fence along its border with Germany to keep out wild pigs. And just to mess with Trump, Mexico agreed to pay for it.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.30.19

The whole country is dealing with crazy weather right now. Today, the Polar Vortex brought the coldest temperatures in 20 years to parts of the Midwest. And Midwesterners were so upset, they ALMOST started cursing. “Gosh darnit, it’s flipping freezing!”

An 80 year-old crossing guard in Iowa said the cold won’t stop him from doing his job. Then his boss said, “Nothing stops him – we fired that guy 40 years ago.”

Well today, Trump made headlines when he called U.S. intelligence officials “passive and naïve.” Yeah, “Passive and Naïve.” It sounds like a buddy cop show starring Mike Pence and Donald Trump.

The Super Bowl is this Sunday and on game day, a marijuana dispensary in Oregon is delivering pizza AND weed. When they heard that, every Domino’s delivery guy was like, “Oh please, we’ve been doing that for years.”

I heard that soon, you might start seeing personalized TV ads that are based on your habits. It’s fun until you’re watching the Super Bowl with friends, and the Cialis commercial is footage of YOU in the bathtub.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.31.19

I’m so glad you guys are here – and I promise that by the end of the show, you should be all thawed out.

It was freezing cold in New York City today. With the wind chill, it was down to negative 17. Even crazier - that's still higher than Trump's approval rating.

It’s been brutal out there, and I saw that yesterday a bunch of colleges were closed. This morning, it was still so cold, students were doing the RUN of shame.

It is so cold...earlier today, the Empire State Building shrunk 50 floors.

It is so cold...Ariana Grande got a Japanese tattoo that means, “Tiny space heater.”

It is so cold...Canadian geese are wearing Canada Goose jackets.

It is so cold...Trump is actually enjoying getting burned by Nancy Pelosi.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.1.19

Super Bowl 53 is on Sunday! Which means we’re just a few days away from your drunk friend walking in front of the TV at a crucial moment.

I love the Super Bowl. Every year, I watch the game on a hundred inch TV -- until Best Buy says, “Sir, we need you to leave.”

A 30-second ad costs five million dollars, but it’ll be worth it when people watching are like, “Oh yeah! I totally forgot about Amazon, Bud Light, and Google.”

Five million dollars for 30 seconds. The president said, “That’s crazy - 30 seconds only cost me 130,000 dollars.”

I heard about a man in Arizona who just set a world record by stacking 353 Jenga blocks. Or as one guy put it, “Maybe HE can build the wall!”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: February 4 – 11

Monday, February 4: Guests include Christoph Waltz, Rory Mcllroy and a performance from The Band’s Visit. Show 1008

Tuesday, February 5: Guests include Priyanka Chopra, Savannah Guthrie, Henry Winkler and musical guest Lizzo. Show 1009

Wednesday, February 6: Guests include Liam Hemsworth, Jessica Williams and musical guest Ronnie Milsap Ft. Little Big Town. Show 1010

Thursday, February 7: Guests include Kim Kardashian West, James Cameron and Christina Tosi. Show 1011

Friday, February 8: Guests include Rebel Wilson, Willie Geist, Nathan Macintosh and Erykah Badu sits in with The Roots. Show 1012

**Monday, February 11: Guests include Stephen Merchant and musical guest Metro Boomin ft. Gunna. Show 1013

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: February 1 – 8

Friday, February 1: Guests include Anthony Mackie, Tim Gunn and Matthew Broussard. Show 1007

Monday, February 4: Guests include Christoph Waltz, Rory Mcllroy and a performance from The Band’s Visit. Show 1008

**Tuesday, February 5: Guests include Priyanka Chopra, Savannah Guthrie, Henry Winkler and musical guest Lizzo. Show 1009

Wednesday, February 6: Guests include Liam Hemsworth, Jessica Williams and musical guest Ronnie Milsap Ft. Little Big Town. Show 1010

**Thursday, February 7: Guests include Kim Kardashian West, James Cameron and Christina Tosi. Show 1011

**Friday, February 8: Guests include Rebel Wilson, Willie Geist, Nathan Macintosh and Erykah Badu sits in with The Roots. Show 1012

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 30 – February 6

Wednesday, January 30: Guests include Kenan Thompson, Luis Fonsi and musical guest Luis Fonsi. Show 1005

Thursday, January 31: Guests Include Seth Meyers, Danai Gurira and Dan White. Show 1006

Friday, February 1: Guests include Anthony Mackie, Tim Gunn and Matthew Broussard. Show 1007

Monday, February 4: Guests include Christopher Waltz, Rory Mcllroy and a performance from The Band’s Visit. Show 1008

**Tuesday, February 5: Guests include Priyanka Chopra, Henry Winkler and musical guest Lizzo. Show 1009

**Wednesday, February 6: Guests include Liam Hemsworth, Jessica Williams and musical guest Ronnie Milsap Ft. Little Big Town. Show 1010

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' January 21 – January 25

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.21.19

Well you guys, it was just five degrees in New York City today! It was so cold, hot dog vendors were complaining about shrinkage.

It was freezing outside here in New York. You’ve gotta be careful out there. If you start feeling symptoms of confusion or memory loss – you’re either suffering from hypothermia, or you’re Rudy Giuliani.

But temperatures are below-freezing all over the country. Up in Boston, two Patriots fans high-fived and their hands just shattered. 

I saw that during the game, CBS commentator Tony Romo was actually predicting what was gonna happen before each play. Then every guy watching at home was like, “Oh sure, but when I do it, I’m ruining the Super Bowl party.”

And the LA Rams are also going to the Super Bowl! Yesterday, they beat the New Orleans Saints, and at one point, when a Saints receiver was tackled, his pants came off. So it turns out there were TWO "super moons" last night.

Let’s get to some news here. Today is Day 31 of the government shutdown. Now that the shutdown is over 30, Democrats are just hoping Trump will start to lose interest.

Well on Saturday, Trump gave a speech where he offered a deal to Democrats to end the shutdown. If you missed it, Trump basically said, “You give me the border wall, and in return, I’ll let you give me the border wall.”

Here’s another big story. The website BuzzFeed reported that Trump told Michael Cohen to lie to Congress, but then Robert Mueller’s team said that report wasn’t accurate. So turns out, Mueller was just mad cuz he took a BuzzFeed quiz about which “Friends” character he is, and he got Gunther.

Well as I mentioned earlier, last night, there was a “Super Blood Wolf Moon,” and lots of people posted photos of it on Instagram. Then the moon was like “OMG untag me, I look so big!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.22.19

Throughout the country, people are dealing with freezing temperatures. All day long, New Yorkers struggled with how to give each other the finger while wearing mittens. 

Well you guys, nominations for the Academy Awards were announced early this morning by Tracee Ellis Ross and Kumail Nanjiani. So if you're keeping track, they found two people to wake up at 5AM to read the nominations, but still no one to host the show.

I saw that Christian Bale was nominated for his role in “Vice,” while Bradley Cooper and Sam Elliot were nominated for “A Star Is Born.” They were actually all nominated in the same category: “Best Achievement In Growling.” 

I read that “Mary Poppins Returns” was shut out of all the major categories. You can tell Marry Poppins was upset – today, her spoonful of sugar was cut with a liiittle bit of Xanax.

But the film “Roma” led the way with 10 nominations, including “Best Director,” “Best Actress,” and “Best Supporting Actress” – all of whom are Mexican. That's the good news. The bad news is Trump now wants to shut down the Academy Awards. 

Well you guys, it’s Day 32 of the government shutdown, and I read that a record 10 percent of TSA workers are now skipping work. So if you've ever wanted to sneak a bottle of water onto a plane, now's your chance!

Guys, listen to this. To end the shutdown, an Arizona lawmaker wants to fund Trump's border wall by taxing porn. Experts say that if we do, the wall will be finished by Friday.

Actually, I read that lately, there's been a big spike in traffic on adult websites in Washington, and people think it’s due to the government shutdown. When asked for comment, every male Senator was like, “Uh, just a minute! Don’t come in yet!”

Oh, I saw that today is Donald and Melania’s 14th wedding anniversary. And they celebrated the way most couples do after 14 years – they didn't.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.23.19

You guys, this is our 1,000th show! I’m not sure what’s crazier -- that we’ve done 1,000 shows, or that the government has been shut down for almost all of them.

That’s right. It’s Day 33 of the government shutdown, and experts warn that if it continues, the economy might not grow in the first quarter. Then President Trump said, “That’s okay, we’ll make up for it in the 5th and 6th quarters.”

And did you guys hear what’s going on with the whole State of the Union thing? First, Nancy Pelosi told Trump, “You can’t give the speech in the House.” And then today, Trump sent a letter saying, “I’m doing it in the House.” Then later today, Pelosi sent him a letter that said, “Oh no, you’re not.” She said she won’t allow the speech in the House while the government is shut down, but he is welcome if they can mutually agree on a date. When Trump asked Pelosi what date, she said, “February 41st.” 

And due to the shutdown, I heard that the State Department had to cancel a major conference on border security. When asked if he saw the irony in it, Trump was like, “Irony. Steel. I don’t care what metal the wall is made of.”

Oh, get this. Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen is delaying his Congress testimony because he says he’s been threatened by Trump, which could actually be witness tampering. So now Trump’s being investigated for collusion, obstruction, AND witness tampering -- or as Robert Mueller put it, “I got Bingo!”

And finally – did you hear about this? – flights in and out of Newark Airport were delayed yesterday when a small drone was spotted flying near the airport. Then United Airlines said, “Actually that's our new ‘Basic Economy’ plane."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.24.19

Well you guys, it was freezing earlier this week, but today in Washington, it was almost 60 degrees. It was so warm, President Trump spent the day fanning himself with his unused State of The Union speech.

But it’s true. Trump delayed his State of the Union, and now people are saying that Pelosi “owned” him. Then Putin said, “Stay in your lane girl.”

Guys, federal workers aren’t happy about the shutdown. Air traffic controllers just issued a statement saying that it’s created a lot of stress. Then airline pilots were like, “Try drinking, it helps.”

And get this. The shutdown might also delay the release of new wines. When asked how they feel about it, wine makers said, “Bitter, with hints of anger and resentment.”

But here’s some good news. A marijuana company is giving out free weed to government workers. Which is why a bunch of TSA agents are staring at their security wands like, “Duuude, I’m Harry Potter!”

Free weed for federal workers. So guess what travelers? That TSA line CAN get slower.

Hey guys, the Super Bowl is just 10 days away! I saw that CBS wants to interview Trump before the game. They called Trump and said it’s important for the nation to hear from the person in charge. So Trump was like, “Hang on, I’ll transfer you to Nancy Pelosi.”

Here’s some entertainment news. This spring, Netflix is debuting a “Baby Shark” TV show. When they heard, parents reacted like the people in “Bird Box” who took off their blindfolds.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.25.19

Let’s get to some news. I heard that President Trump is planning to have his second meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un next month, but so far, no date has been announced. Which means right now, Melania is like, “Please be Valentine’s Day...Please be Valentine’s Day...”

Some more news. I saw the plans for the tower President Trump wanted to build in Moscow were leaked, and it was gonna have a luxury spa named after Ivanka Trump. It’s expected to attract way more customers than the hair salon named after Donald.

Guys, listen to this. A new poll found that California Senator Kamala Harris is currently leading the 2020 Democratic field. You can tell Bernie Sanders is nervous, cuz he was just spotted pouring vodka in his applesauce.

More TV news. I heard that CBS is refusing to air an ad that calls for legalizing weed during the Super Bowl. Instead, they're just gonna air one of those Matthew McConaughey ads that makes you feel like you’re high.

Speaking of the Super Bowl. I read that the stadium in Atlanta that’s hosting has a Chick-fil-A, but it’s closed on Super Bowl Sunday. What are they doing?! That’s like if the Girl Scouts decided to STOP selling cookies on 4/20.

Get this. A billionaire just bought a 238 million dollar penthouse overlooking Central Park, and it’s the most anyone has ever paid for a home in the U.S. But since it’s New York, he’s still gotta live with three roommates.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 28 – February 4

Monday, January 28: Guests include Shaquille O'Neal, Colin Quinn and musical guest 21 Savage. Show 1003 

**Tuesday, January 29: Guests include Matthew Broderick, Spike Lee, Maddie Ziegler, Alysa Liu and musical guest Yo Gotti Ft. Lil Baby. Show 1004

Wednesday, January 30: Guests include Kenan Thompson, Luis Fonsi and musical guest Luis Fonsi. Show 1005

Thursday, January 31: Guests include Seth Meyers, Danai Gurira and Dan White. Show 1006

Friday, February 1: Guests include Anthony Mackie, Tim Gunn and Matthew Broussard. Show 1007

**Monday, February 4: Guests include Christopher Waltz, Rory Mcllroy and a performance from The Band’s Visit. Show 1008

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 25 – February 1

Friday, January 25: Guests include Matt LeBlanc, Nikki & Brie Bella and Jo Firestone. Show 1002

Monday, January 28: Guests include Shaquille O'Neal, Colin Quinn and musical guest 21 Savage. Show 1003 

Tuesday, January 29: Guests include Matthew Broderick, Maddie Ziegler and musical guest Yo Gotti Ft. Lil Baby. Show 1004

Wednesday, January 30: Guests include Kenan Thompson, Luis Fonsi and musical guest Luis Fonsi. Show 1005

**Thursday, January 31: Guests include Seth Meyers, Danai Gurira and Dan White. Show 1006

**Friday, February 1: Guests include Anthony Mackie, Tim Gunn and Matthew Broussard. Show 1007

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 23 – 30

**Wednesday, January 23: Guests include Molly Shannon, Zachary Quinto and Robert Irwin. Show 1000

**Thursday, January 24: Guests include Jada Pinkett Smith and musical guest Backstreet Boys. Show 1001

Friday, January 25: Guests include Matt LeBlanc, Nikki & Brie Bella and Jo Firestone. Show 1002

**Monday, January 28: Guests include Shaquille O'Neal, Colin Quinn and musical guest 21 Savage. Show 1003 

**Tuesday, January 29: Guests include Matthew Broderick, Maddie Ziegler and musical guest Yo Gotti Ft. Lil Baby. Show 1004

**Wednesday, January 30: Guests include Kenan Thompson, Luis Fonsi and musical guest Luis Fonsi. Show 1005

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions